Monday, 14 June 2010

(why) Can't

This is the bare bones:
I want to recover.
But I want to be thin first.

It's been a bad week. Uncontrolled crying. In public.
I can't
I can't
Why can't I get better.

I cried myself sick, over and over again. I couldn't stop it. Crying hysterically in front of everyone and anyone... because of him.
Not because he upset me - no. Quite the opposite. He's perfect. And his perfection, his beauty, his innocence, it hurts me so much.
I don't know why.
Or maybe, it's because I know:
I have to end it.
I have to.
He's killing me.
It's all killing me.
Starving. Eating. Throwing Up. Binging. Laxatives. Restricting. Exercising.
Sick. Sick. Sick

I'm supposed to be going to a posh dinner as his guest tomorrow evening. And I can't.
I can't.
I can't put on a pretty dress that exposes the fat on my back, my huge arms and a tummy that sticks out 5 inches.
I can't do my hair nice when it frames such a podgy and puffy face; or put mascara on eyes so swollen from crying.
I can't look nice
its so hard
too hard
cant do

This is the beginning of the end.
I can't live it.

I know that this is Ana talking, evil Ana - wants me all to herself - wants to destroy everything else - everyone else - wants to push him away because he might save me.
No saving me.

How the fuck..


  1. This is exactly what my last few days have been, I'm falling apart.

    what do we do? I hate my fat body too much to give up/recover now - can't I lose the weight first and then fix the rest?

    dammit - what a horrible frustrating life this is

  2. Do you have a reason why you think you deserve to be punished and unhappy? I am sure that you are the only one who believes the reasons to be true.

    Your head cannot be full of beauty when all it creates is sadness.

    "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

    -John Milton

    Don't be afraid of the change that goes along with getting better. Just think, it can't get much worse than this.

    Feel free to email me any old time :)


  3. you can get control of your life. one decision at the time. keep the things that make you happy. keep alex.

  4. I'm so sorry I have been absent. You are lovely and you deserve happiness. I know how painful it is to try and be beautiful when everything reflected back at you disgusts you. But you have to know, please know, that it isn't true. I know you can't see the truth in the mirror, nor can I, but you just have to KNOW that somewhere under the lies is the real you. And even if you have to FORCE it, do it.


  5. stop binge eating stop throwing up stop taking laxatives and you'll be fine. eat a bit and starve the rest of the time. if you can't starve eat a little bit of fruit or veg. if you carry on like this, if you lose alex, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
    get it together.

  6. Why dont you tell your boyfreind that you need a break. And that's it's not cause youre seeing another, but that you need to learn to love yourself first before you can truely love him?

    If you let him go, and he comes back then it's true love. If not, it was probably never meant to be anyways.

    Whatever you decide, I hope you can pick yourself up again, without ana. It is difficult though, even ask for outside help maybe?
    lots of love...take care <3

  7. I'm in the same spot, hun. I wanna recover...but i wanna be thin... My man is too perfect for someone like me, but i will NOT let go of him. I wish i had some advice to give you... but i don't even know what to do myself. Just know that you're not alone in the situation you're in. Stay strong.

  8. Keep him. If you give him up then what do you have to look forward to? I know that's how I feel about my boyfriend. Some days I feel so unworthy of just being with him, but other days he's what keeps me going.

  9. if you've found someone who is perfect for you, and vice versa, don't give that up.

    serioulsy don't let the ED win and ruin your relationship. don't let it ruin what you have with Alex, that's special.

  10. I recently stumbled across your blog and today I've been reading through your previous entries... Has ANYTHING ever made you happy?

  11. I've been away for a little while and just catching up and there's too much for me to comment on. As always it's like everything you say mirrors my feelings exactly, right down to the things you wrote when you were 17, the way you feel about Alex, and they way you used to be before him, in the days of the Club. I empathise with this post so much. I too want recovery, but not enough to agree to give up dieting and accept myself at a higher weight like my CRB therapist said I must. I only want recovery if I can be thin too. Sometimes I feel so sickened by what I see in the mirror I can't bear to go out, and I'm miserable when I do, even though I know that I'm torturing myself and that if only I could just let it go, I would have a great time...

    I could swear we are twins. And we are our own worst enemies. I am so confused. Sometimes I look forward to leaving this broken me behind, I feel I have been trying for so long. But is this me? What am I without it? Like you say in a previous post, in our pain there is also beauty. We see things differently and feel things deeper but that is a blessing as well as a curse and I'm not sure how I can ever be rid of one without the other. Though too I wonder how much of this is self-imposed, how much of me wants to give in to the inner tortured artist, the inner Sylvia Plath. Could I be happy if I just...let myself? I think maybe yes, but we may have to accept that we may never be 'ordinary' and super happy all the time. But try to remember that Alex doesn't love you, minus the disordered thoughts, he loves ALL of you, and the way you see the world and our struggles is a part of you too. Own it, just don't let it own you.

    Here for you. x


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