This is the bare bones:
I want to recover.
But I want to be thin first.
It's been a bad week. Uncontrolled crying. In public.
Why can't I get better.
I cried myself sick, over and over again. I couldn't stop it. Crying hysterically in front of everyone and anyone... because of him.
Not because he upset me - no. Quite the opposite. He's perfect. And his perfection, his beauty, his innocence, it hurts me so much.
I don't know why.
Or maybe, it's because I know:
I have to end it.
I have to.
He's killing me.
It's all killing me.
Starving. Eating. Throwing Up. Binging. Laxatives. Restricting. Exercising.
Sick. Sick. Sick
I'm supposed to be going to a posh dinner as his guest tomorrow evening. And I can't.
I can't put on a pretty dress that exposes the fat on my back, my huge arms and a tummy that sticks out 5 inches.
I can't do my hair nice when it frames such a podgy and puffy face; or put mascara on eyes so swollen from crying.
I can't look nice
its so hard
This is the beginning of the end.
I can't live it.
I know that this is Ana talking, evil Ana - wants me all to herself - wants to destroy everything else - everyone else - wants to push him away because he might save me.
No saving me.
How the fuck..
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago