So, a few days ago I declared that I was off to buy some laxatives to clear out my podgy belly. Took one. Nothing.
Took two. Standard.
Took three. And spent all day at work cramped over in severe pain and running to the loo every half hour.
Oh my god did I curse myself. 8am to 5pm sat in an office, feeling like something inside me had collapsed. What I would give to go back to uni already and spend my days curled up under my duvet!
I am sick of maintaining my weight.
I'm working so hard on restricting my calorie intake and nothing is happening.
Although I haven't exercised for like two weeks or something - maybe three. That's disgusting. I need to sort it out.
I was a member of my gym at uni, and loved it. Now that I'm back home I can't get a gym membership anymore because my Mum believes in saving money over being healthy. She controls everything I spend and everything I do when I'm living with her. Working in an office with these long hours leaves me no time to go out running because when I get home I'm always so tired. From next week, my working hours will increase to 7am to 10pm.
Perhaps I need to get up super early and go for a run. But it'll be so humiliating and I'd be sweaty and red and look horrible at work all day. Do you think it's worth it? If I got up at 5am to go running and do toning exercises I'd be on 5/6 hours sleep a night, possibly less, so I'd go into work looking disgusting and tired and wouldn't have time to wash my hair or anything... But, worth it in the long term to look shit in the office? I guess I only have this job for another 4 weeks... but then my also mum works here and I don't want everyone to see how ugly her daughter is...
I used to be incredibly fit and regularly torture myself in the gym while I was at university, but I suppose I had all the time in the world to workout. I could spend the whole day in the gym and work my day around my swimming and running. I would walk all over town, never driving, never getting public transport. No one in London walks. Everyone is always in too much of a rush. Never enough time. Health comes last.
With my office job I've become so caught up in this world of 'not enough time'. So, even though I'm eating small amounts with ABC, I'm still just sitting here like a blob, food festering inside me, rolling on my thighs because I haven't had the time to go running or workout. Gross. Office workers don't have a chance.
My Mum hates me. My Mum wishes I were perfect. She hates me because I'm not as pretty as the other girls, not as naturally beautiful as the other girls, not as thin, not as nice, not as pleasant, not as happy, not as smiley, not as confident...Not Perfect.
My Mum hates me and my flaws. And she tells me so. At the weekend because the weather was really hot and sunny she forced me to sit outside in a tiny t-shirt and shorts. I couldn't stop crying. Torture. The view in the mirror made me want to smash my body in.
She screamed at me.
"MAD!" "SICK" "YOU ARE FAT" "U_G_L_Y!!!!"
Yes, my Mum has tantrums like a little child, but its because she hates me. I'd give anything for her to love me and be proud of me. To stand as thin and beautiful as her without makeup so she could have no reason to scream and hate me. She deserves a perfect daughter. I wish I could make her happy.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago