Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Yes, I'm the great maintainer

So, a few days ago I declared that I was off to buy some laxatives to clear out my podgy belly. Took one. Nothing.
Took two. Standard.
Took three. And spent all day at work cramped over in severe pain and running to the loo every half hour.
Oh my god did I curse myself. 8am to 5pm sat in an office, feeling like something inside me had collapsed. What I would give to go back to uni already and spend my days curled up under my duvet!

I am sick of maintaining my weight.
I'm working so hard on restricting my calorie intake and nothing is happening.

Although I haven't exercised for like two weeks or something - maybe three. That's disgusting. I need to sort it out.
I was a member of my gym at uni, and loved it. Now that I'm back home I can't get a gym membership anymore because my Mum believes in saving money over being healthy. She controls everything I spend and everything I do when I'm living with her. Working in an office with these long hours leaves me no time to go out running because when I get home I'm always so tired. From next week, my working hours will increase to 7am to 10pm.

Perhaps I need to get up super early and go for a run. But it'll be so humiliating and I'd be sweaty and red and look horrible at work all day. Do you think it's worth it? If I got up at 5am to go running and do toning exercises I'd be on 5/6 hours sleep a night, possibly less, so I'd go into work looking disgusting and tired and wouldn't have time to wash my hair or anything... But, worth it in the long term to look shit in the office? I guess I only have this job for another 4 weeks... but then my also mum works here and I don't want everyone to see how ugly her daughter is...

I used to be incredibly fit and regularly torture myself in the gym while I was at university, but I suppose I had all the time in the world to workout. I could spend the whole day in the gym and work my day around my swimming and running. I would walk all over town, never driving, never getting public transport. No one in London walks. Everyone is always in too much of a rush. Never enough time. Health comes last.

With my office job I've become so caught up in this world of 'not enough time'. So, even though I'm eating small amounts with ABC, I'm still just sitting here like a blob, food festering inside me, rolling on my thighs because I haven't had the time to go running or workout. Gross. Office workers don't have a chance.

My Mum hates me. My Mum wishes I were perfect. She hates me because I'm not as pretty as the other girls, not as naturally beautiful as the other girls, not as thin, not as nice, not as pleasant, not as happy, not as smiley, not as confident...Not Perfect.
My Mum hates me and my flaws. And she tells me so. At the weekend because the weather was really hot and sunny she forced me to sit outside in a tiny t-shirt and shorts. I couldn't stop crying. Torture. The view in the mirror made me want to smash my body in.
She screamed at me.
"MAD!" "SICK" "YOU ARE FAT" "U_G_L_Y!!!!"
Yes, my Mum has tantrums like a little child, but its because she hates me. I'd give anything for her to love me and be proud of me. To stand as thin and beautiful as her without makeup so she could have no reason to scream and hate me. She deserves a perfect daughter. I wish I could make her happy.


13 comments:

  1. i'm sorry.

    sending a hug your way.

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  2. Oh my sweet, so sad. It is impossible to maintain forever on the abc. Soon the weight will come off, even if you do absolutely nothing. I would stick to sleep and hair washing over early morning running. At least for now. It is more likely to keep you seen which will stop you falling off the rails.

    Chin up, it will happen, and soon. Just keep going x

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  3. Ugh.

    I wish I could give you a hug.

    I wish I could say something with more substance than that.

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  4. im so sorry about your mom.
    my mom likes to be evil to me as well, telling me im not good enough and that i should lose weight..
    but then she tries to torture me by forcing me to eat :/
    and then tells me i look fat when we go to the beach :/
    *hugs*
    but one day it will be better.
    <3

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  5. my mum does the same.
    hope your doing okay.
    were all here if you need us :)
    xx

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  6. I don't know what you look like, but from everything I have read that you have written, I can tell that you are a beautiful girl. Your blog name is Head Full of Beauty (I love that, by the way) and this is what you are. I'm so sorry that your mom is being the way that she is.. but please understand that you don't have to let her attitude about you affect you and she is probably treating you like that because she herself has doubts about her own appearance and so forth. She may never say it, but from what it sounds like, she has them and is projecting them all on you because then it's easier for her to deal with. It's cruel and it's wrong, but it happens. A lot. Your mom does not get to define who you are - she does not get to tell you who you who you are. You get to tell her who you are and you are not ugly or disgusting or sick or crazy or fat or whatever else she may be pounding into your head (forcing out all those beautiful things that make you you).

    Keep your head up - you are strong and beautiful.

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  7. you are beautiful and talented, and you will reach your goals. do not let your mother break you down. don't give her the satisfaction.
    stay strong! you are a perfect being, just as you are.

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  8. Skipping. £2 ropes off the British Heart Foundation.

    Most fun thing to do in the world. Of course, it depends on your downstairs neighbours. Mine are noisy. So I take great pleasure to skip at inopportune times. However, you probably live in a house, which erases this pleasure from the list.

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  10. As I write this the tears are streaming down my face. My mother has always behaved hostile towards me. I don't understand, because I am her flesh & blood. I've done nothing but seeked out her unconditional love & approval. Iwas still doing it & I am now 39 yrs. old. I am currently living with her and she is driving me nuts!!! Cut your losses and just see it as her problem. You are a beautiful, lovely young woman. I finally gave up on my mother. I will be returning to Pennsylvania, at the end of the summer. I refuse to let her damage my 8-yr. old son and have her make him feel worthless. What our mothers do to us is called mental abuse and we do not deserve it. It is her problem if she cannot see you for who you really are, take it from me and don't waste anymore time or energy. You cannot change her. I send you Peace an Love.

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  11. chin up hun.
    about the laxatives, is it the first time youve taken them?? cos i had cramps when i first took them but now i can take a packet and still nothing :( i actually long for those days when my stomach would cramp and i could get rid of all the bulk inside of me, painful as it was.

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  12. Ah! I'm sorry I haven't been reading and commenting lately. I'm going to get caught up because you are seriously one of my favorite bloggers (like top 5, in no specific order lol)...

    Mothers are difficult, because we're trained to love them no matter what and sometimes they do terrible things. I hope you're ok and can find some peace.
    ---

    Yeah, I agree with Pasco, if you stick with ABC, the weight will start melting. If you really want to help things along, you could always to jumprope (which doesn't even require a real jump rope and you can do it after work in the comfort of your home)... it won't burn as many cals, but it's about the same as a stationary bike I think.

    ---

    Also, I'm moving to London in September and I need advice b/c I don't know anything about the city or where I should live or anything!!! lol

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  13. Hey Sweetie,

    Thank you so much for the warm welcome back. I'm happy to have you to share my melodrama with!

    Looks like the other gals have already given you great advice. I've always believed that food is more important than exercise. As long as you stick to your plan, the pounds will come off.

    I am so sorry about what you are going through at home. Mothers can always be such a powerful source of pain in our lives. I hope you find the way to deal with yours.

    I'm thinking of you,
    <3 Eva

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