Skip to main content

Apologies

A quick note... to tell you all that I am ok, alive.
And I am safe now.

You have to forgive me. Please, please forgive me for being away so long and then for posting such things.
There is no excuse.
I have notebooks filled with writing from the last month which needs to all be posted on here. I have no excuse. But I promise you, it will ALL be up before September.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.

I AM NOT A FUCKING ROLE MODEL.

I love you all so much; I may not show it, I may have abandoned you for so long, but I will never, never stop loving you all.
And I thank God for all your beauty and strength. each and every one.

x x x

Comments

  1. Oh thank god.

    *Love* Keep yourself safe, ok hun?

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. happy to know you're alright. i'm not a role model either. that's fine. hang in there, darling. look forward to hearing more from you.

    xoxo
    zette

    ReplyDelete
  3. No need to be sorry!
    The blog will be here, and so will we, for as long as you need. :]

    ReplyDelete
  4. It´s weird I don´t know you but I´ve been checking your blog everyday since your last post to see if you were ok.
    I´m so glad you are sweetie =D
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.


The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …

Wanting

We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…