Skip to main content
I have pills. And I am tired. exhausted. And I have had enough.
sleep and stay safe forever


  1. I've been an anonymous follower of yours for a longggg time, and you constantly inspire and amaze me. You continue to. Your entries are captivating, in an truly enchanting way that keeps me coming back! Stay well hun, we all have days of exhaustion, but you'll pull through.
    <3 stay well

  2. I just came across your blog tonight . . . and this post wrenched my soul. Please be okay. You can E-Mail me if you want. Don't do anything rash until you've exhausted other possibilities.

    here's a smile for you:

    and a virtual hug.



    I love you and you deserve BETTER than that!!

  4. Ive been reading your blog for a while and i think you´re very tallented at writing and you can have a bright future.
    I understand the feeling of wanting everything to stop and just sleep forever...I´ve tried to kill myself several times, and most times I´m glad it didn´t work.
    This dissease is so consuming but you have to fight it sweetie, don´t give up.
    I really hope you don´t do this, you´ll hurt so much people and more important you´ll miss all the good things life can and will give you.
    Sorry for my english, I´m from Argentina
    Hugs and i hope I´ll we reading more of you

  5. Please, please, please don't. You are such a beautiful person, and this world would be so much darker without you in it. It does get better.

  6. Your words inspire me.
    And they are so true to what I feel.
    I want to help you, but I'm not sure you'd listen.
    We all love you.
    Please, stay.

  7. Ophelia... What have you done?

  8. I hope you're okay, darling.

  9. Please stay - our bodies and our lives are the only things we really have - you've destroyed one, so please, please hold onto the other. I've been reading your blog from the beginning and your words cling to me, your writing is beautiful, and I want to grab hold of you and make you stay. And tell you it will be ok, somehow. xoxo


Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…