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Look How I Fell

I think that sometimes, my drunken posts (which have been few) are some of the best. So here is my two pence drunken thoughts for this evening (morning).

I have just completed three days of the Dukan Diet (my three days of the attack phase of pure protein only.)
Day one, admittedly was a struggle. I smelt like protein - fish scent and poultry odour pouring from my very pores. It was hard. But I did it. Day two was easier, but still smelt like a piece of rotton protein. Day three and I'm thinking I could go on like this forever were it apart from the fact that I would kill for an apple.
At lunch, I swished the food around my plate to make it look like I was eating and maintained the most wonderful air of superiority and self control - just like the good old days.

Originially, several years ago, the bulimia spread from this girl who couldn't handle nightclubs and men and mirrors all in one go. I used to do it over and over and over again to myself, the torture, boys and music and reflections. But I have been safe since I've been here - no alcohol, no men, no deviation from the straight and narrow rails.
But this evening, I went out, and drank, and have binged. Two bowls of cereal, peanut butter, 3 kitkats, chocolate spread...
On the dancefloor the rage spread through me. If Alex had been there I'd have grabbed him by the neck and strangled him to death, screaming my anger at him. As it was, I stood in front of the mirror, over and over again, just like all those nights at university, same, never changing... never changing. There was nothing in my makeup bag to change the relfection in the mirror, no matter how many times I went in, no matter how long I stood there.

I pulled a guy, kissed him hungrily, ran my hands through his hair and spread my hands across his chest just like I used to do with Alex, felt his abs and biceps beneath his shirt, hungered for him, hungered so bad. Fed.

I was craving.

Wait, make that 4 bowls of cereal.

Oh God I was so hungry. Am so hungry. He tasted of beer and man, just like I remember boys used to taste. I didn't care a damn except that he tasted good, felt good, satisfied me.
I need to be sick - am going to be sick - when I've finished this. But it will feel wonderful, it will be the best feeling I've had all night,
and then tomorrow I go to Dukan
and the gym
and more and more and more
because I just wanted to be one of those girls, I wanted to put my hand around Alex's throat, I wanted all the boys down on their knees.

You want to know what kind of a person I am? That's the kind of person I am.
I hungered for the days when I played with men in my hand like putty. When I walked like a priceless untouchable through a room full of men, when Hugh and Rowan fought their Public School Boy wars over me, when Alex was just one of so many impressionable little boys that I dangled from my little finger.
Look how I fell.

Bulimia is a purging of the evil. fed by my nights as a girl


  1. I love how you still write so eloquently while drunk, haha! Sometimes it's good to let loose and have fun every now and then...just takes some moderation.

  2. favorite post so far<3

    Intense. Good luck living. It seems as if you're caught between being two people. I wish you the best.

  3. Perhaps you needed a night like that in order to contrast it to the existence you have had over the last few months? Sometimes it's good for us to see our different options in a new light

  4. i love this post. SOOO much. You dont understand h0ow much i can relate to this sentence : There was nothing in my makeup bag to change the relfection in the mirror, no matter how many times I went in, no matter how long I stood there.

    I APPLY IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN...but i still look like shit...still feel like shit. I am shit.

  5. Youre so right about your drunken posts being awesome! But i've been out of the loop for so long... What happened with Alex? Where exactly is this new residence of yours? Update me, darling; update me.
    But i do know how you feel. Imiss having all the boys as putty in my hands as well..

  6. How do you write so amazingly while drunk? It's incredible.

  7. Even when drunk you write beautifully...
    You have not fallen. You are human. We all have our moments... some more than others. But none the less, you are strong and beautiful and I am glad to know you, even if it is through the internet and not in real life. I just thought you should know.


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What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
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We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…