I don't know when I will stop hating Alex or when I will stop remembering how it felt to touch him. I don't know if I could ever let another man back into my life or if I'll ever want to.
History dictates that I always do anyway.
It was a shame that I had to drink on Thursday night, and that the drink inevitably led to eating foods that I had cut out of my diet with my Dukan Diet regime. But I'm back on track again, eating only chicken, fish and seafood and drinking only water and skimmed milk.
The new gym I joined is totally worth the £100 a month that I am paying. However, I'm aware that I think that because I am mad... but it is totally mind-numbingly awesome... even though, really, it's just a bloody gym...
Anyway, point is, I feel fabulous. I've been put on a fat blasting, supreme workout plan, which is quite frankly painfully, achingly body changing. And I love my instructor for giving me kudos on my fitness and attitude and giving me the super-challenging regime I need to lose the fat. Usually I'll get set some pansy 30 mins on a treadmill workout by an instructor who gives every girl the same standard training plan - lame. With this new plan, even when my legs are screaming, I do my intervals on the treadmill with a kind of euphoria I've never felt before because I'm so inspired.
And do I look fabulous? Ha, don't be silly. Not yet, anyway. But I damn well will be. Three months, tops, until I see the number I want on the scale - that's what Dr Dukan and my trainer say separately. So imagine the effect now I'm putting them together.
Also, it's amazing what a bit of good PR does to boost my motivation to lose weight even further. Tell a friend or anyone who doesn't know you that you want to lose weight and they say: "But you're fine!" "Lose weight from where?!", "Don't be silly!". But tell Dr Dukan or a personal trainer that you want to lose enough weight to give you a superwoman BMI and they want to offer you support and planning to make your dreams come true.
"I love working with clients who are so determined and driven," my trainer said, "You're gonna be great fun to work with."
To top it all off, on Monday I went for my first Ballet Class and my already tight legs now feel like steel - absolutely fabulous. I must admit I was a little disheartened at being the curviest girl in the class with hips at least 5 inches bigger than anyone elses (I swear!) but I can at least be comforted by the numbers on the scales going steadily down everyday and knowing that I'll be as sleek and gazelle-like as the rest of them soon.
But don't let me put a gloss on my hard work and let you think it's been a delightful journey. Yes, I've loved working out at a higher level, and yes I've been eating well under 1,000 calories a day, and yes the scales are behaving accordingly... but today, for example, I walked and ran and ate only 180g of smoked salmon and it began to catch up with me. I'd never felt so physically sick in my life from under eating. The only way I could stabilise myself was with a bread roll with peanut butter. It killed to do it because it means totally messing up my Dukan Diet plan, but I didn't have a choice, my stomach was full of acid and making it unbearable for me to cope even though I tried to just sleep it off. It was stupid of me, I went from 7am to 4pm without any food and then wolfed down the smoked salmon and went for a run in the sunshine. When I got back I decided I still didn't need to eat and my body rebelled and I had to eat bread which was even worse! Argh! I can't be stupid about this, I have to be strict but I have to be realistic too.
So, to round off my super body issue, just as I did a post about Who's in my Head Full of Beauty, I would also like to give you a quick guide to Ophelia's Bodies Full of Beauty:
1. Victoria's Secret Models. All of them. Wow.