Wednesday, 20 April 2011

"Obsession is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated" - I love my White Swan

Of course, thank you to Anonymous who commented in the last post - I forgot Natalie Portman!
Natalie is one of those actresses who I've adored since the first time I saw her for having such flawless and dainty features - I mean, the woman still looked stunning when she shaved all her hair off for V for Vendetta.
I went to see Black Swan twice at the cinema and am counting down the days for it to be released on DVD here in the UK.
I love that you can see all her ribs in this picture and she has practically no breasts (I would give anything to be totally flat-chested).


Anyway, not only am a big fan of Natalie Portman, the film and its ridiculously sky-high thinspirational quality, I am also a big lover of ballet. This Spring I've been to see Swan Lake and Cinderella and have also booked to see Manon and Anna Karenina in London later this Summer.

I just love ballet...for all the obvious reasons. And yes, I am the only person I know who likes ballet, and yes, I go on my own.

As I mentioned before, I've started classes and once a week you will find my hefty, muscular thighs and thick set arms and neck waving around, out of time, trying to be floaty and elegant. What a picture.
...Ok I'm not that appalling, but I still have the widest hips in my class.
If you've ever seen a professional ballet dancer close up in the flesh you will know what I mean when I talk about incredible muscle tone and carves that jut out like cheekbones whilst also being some of the skinniest people I've ever laid eyes on. I mean, I drool with envy. It's sobering to see bodies like that in front of you, kinda like meeting a famous person whose poster you have on your wall and realising they really EXIST in the living flesh.



My progression with the Dukan Diet is still going ok, although I had a massive wobbly patch last week which saw me eat a series of cakes/bread and throw up continually in a mini-return to the dark days of bulimia. However, I am completely back on track and riding high on the wave of strong control and exercise. To be honest I am absolutely sick to death of chicken, fish, eggs, skimmed milk and low fat yoghurt. But... well... the obsessive in me can't seem to stray, and if I do, my fingers will go straight down my throat anyway, so the Dukan Diet is the lesser of two evils.

I've been pushing myself really hard with the training recently - probably the most dedicated I've been, although I was pretty obsessive in early 2010 - and as a consequence I think I'm definitely back to my personal best level of fitness. This personal best is something I hope to surpass in the next couple of weeks or so as I start to put my foot down on the gas even harder. I have two 10k races scheduled for May - one city and one off-road and I've got a target time which I'm pretty unrelenting about.

Only problem is that my feet - which I totally blistered and bleed to pieces when I went for a long run in new trainers a little while back - are still blistering in the same places even with heavy plastering and zinc oxide tape and although it's not stopping me from going to the gym or out running (nothing short of a apocalypse would stop me) it's really making things a bit miserable. My only hope is that the more I run, the more comfortable the trainers will get.


In the last two weeks as I have maintained my strict Dukan Diet eating and have been exercising almost every day, I've felt utterly in control and completely euphoric. My calculations told me that some days I was burning off nearly as many calories as I was consuming,
and I loved it.
The white swan, Odette, is perfect and pure and elegant. By mirroring the hardwork, strength and control of a ballet dancer, I can look like one too. 
I have become aware that there are two very distinct sides of my ED - obsessive restriction/exercising (I don't call it Anorexia because it's not) and Bulimia. I was totally consumed with Bulimia for the best part of 2010 - the very worst, disgusting kind which made me depressed and want to die - and now I'm back in the obsessive restriction/exercising perfect pure 'white swan' which makes me feel on top of the world and stronger than ever.
*shrugs shoulders*
What can you do?

My therapist of course is not impressed. She thinks it's all about my need for control - something we've never touched on before. And it makes sense I suppose - I can't stand being told what to eat. She asked me, "Do you feel like I'm holding you back?" and I choked up, because I do. Although on the one hand I love her for caring about me, she knew that I also hated her for making me be 'good' and 'obedient' and not letting her see the numbers on the scale fall.
I've started to regain the side of the eating disorder that I fell in love with - the restriction and exercise and falling numbers - and somehow that feels like recovery for me. This side of the ED makes me feel superior, makes me feel like I can achieve what I want to... My aim for going into treatment was always primarily to stop the binges as I knew that was the key to finally getting to the low weight I wanted. I know I will never be fully 'cured' because I don't want to let go of the behaviours that will make me thin, just the behaviours that make me fat.
But there have been other changes too... I don't hate myself so much, I want to eat the right things... and honestly everyone comments on how much I look and sound healthier (I try to convince myself this is not just due to the exercising and sunshine).

The girl who was writing this blog back in the dark times of October/November has gone.
I'm happy. I keep myself busy.

Thanks to the Easter Holidays I've been back in London the last two weeks reminding myself of the dreams I long to come back and fulfill...

Yesterday I went walking through Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park - a regular haunt of Alex and mine when we were together. It didn't hurt to back, it was just beautiful and full of sunshine, and though I walked the paths alone, I felt completely at peace - because I was alone.

Today, I rose early and upon hearing that it would be an even sunnier day than yesterday, I hopped onto the train to Hampton Court and bought myself entry to the gardens. I used to love coming to Hampton Court when I was younger and I was hungry for more beautiful scenery to keep myself at peace. After walking 3 miles along the river bank, I stopped in the at little restaurant to find some water. As I passed tables of people sitting down to have their lunch my stomach twisted with revulsion. Trays full of food, plates with potatoes and pasta, bread rolls, cakes and fancies. I thanked God I didn't have to sit down with anyone and look at that or be expected to eat it.
As I inspected all the bottled drinks to find one which used only sweeteners I felt a pang of sadness. I was never going to be one of those people sitting down for lunch without feeling hatred towards the person I was with for making me feel like I had to eat things I didn't want to or without feeling out of control and full of anxiety.
But. The fact is, I'm managing my eating disorder by not putting myself in situations where other people see what I eat. And I'm managing it well. I'm happy this way.
If you were at Hampton Court today, you'd have spotted me in the afternoon, sitting on a bench in the Privy Garden, politely eating a chicken breast with a knife and fork which I had dry baked in the morning and put into a little plastic tub to take with me. I was happy.

I cannot resist sharing some of the happiness that I felt today:






12 comments:

  1. I'll come to the ballet with you...I love it!
    Will email tomorrow xxxxxx

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  2. I love ballet too!! I went to the Ballet about a month ago and I want to take classes so badly. But they just cost too much. You sound so much happier! Your tone in this post is so much more positive and I'm glad to see that. Black Swan ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

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  3. I ADORE ballet. A few years ago I dragged the hubby (then only the BF) with me for my birthday. It's so captivating to me.

    I haven't seen Black Swan yet, but I'm buying it soon so I can watch it multiple times. :-)

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  4. I'm sick to death of chicken breast and eggs as well!

    Good for you, doing ballet!! I failed miserably at it when I was 8, and then tried to take a ballet class in college and bailed after the first day. Too scared. :(

    That's crazy doing 2 10k races. Good luck!! Have you tried using duct tape on your runners? I do that with new ones--either wrap the blistering spots on my feet in surgical tape, or tape up the problem spots in the runners with duct tape. It wears the bad spots down without blistering your feet, so eventually you don't need the tape anymore.

    Those pictures are gorgeous. I'm glad you're feeling happier. <3

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  5. Lovely photos! I too embrace my white swan. Although arguably not 'healthy' I agree that it feels like recovery compared to bulimia.

    I am glad that you are feeling stronger and in control these days. This post is like sunshine. :)

    xox,
    A

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  6. Ballet dancers, circus performers and rhythmic gymnasts inspire me so much!

    I loves the photos so much, thank you for the flowers in the middle of Autumn <3

    The bellbirds have just started the dawn chorus, gotta dash.

    Love you, wonderful Ophelia!

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  7. Oh Black Swan... I've gone on many, many lengthy rants about how horrible that movie is. As well as V for Vendetta (film and graphic novel included). I try to like Natalie Portman, but her resume is just one giant indictment.

    Ballet is wonderful, and since my mom raised me on it I've developed an obsession with the beauty of collar bones. As well as posture... because no one else I encounter on a daily basis has it. It makes a massive difference.

    I love your photos. I've always wanted to go to England... everything just looks so... proper.

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  8. The first time i watched that movie i could have sworn that the eating disorder her character obviously had was going to take a huge role in it, and when i found that it didn't i was rather disappointed. The movie was still very thinspiring though. And natalie portman has the most lovely figure ever.
    I'm glad you're finding some sort of happiness, dearie, and i hope it stays that way for you.

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  9. I love The Black Swan! I think it's my favorite film... if I ever own it (seeing how I am dirt poor, at the moment), I will probably watch it until I am sick of it (though I doubt it).

    I'm so glad you're happy! Your photos are beautiful and make me smile, and that's saying something, because the past few days have been rough for me. :)

    I'm glad for you. You give me hope.

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  10. <3 Beautiful
    Glad you're doing well

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  11. No problem, Natalie is beautiful.

    Ophelia. Btw have you seen Princess Diana talking about her bulimia in the panorama interview she did? I watched it earlier today...

    Interesting.

    And then she says she's not destructive at the end of it.

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  12. Wow... incredibly jealous of your dedication right about now =]
    Hopefully after reading a few more of your recent posts, it'll rub off on me.
    Keep going strong.

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