Ophelia presented with symptoms of severe depression and severe levels of anxiety (as indicated by scores of 22 on the PHQ9 and 17 on the GAD7 respectively). Ophelia told me that she is obsessed with her weight and how she looks. Ophelia explained that she will restrict her food for a few days, and then will eat a lot and vomit afterwards. Ophelia said that this is having an impact on her studies, and she won't go out to lectures if she is feeling particularly bad about her appearance.
Ophelia said that she often has thoughts of suicide, but said that she would never act on those thoughts. Ophelia also explained that she does self-harm about once a fortnight. She told me that these cuts are fairly superficial, and she has never needed medical treatment for them.
Ophelia and I agreed that I would refer her for a further assessment with one of our high intensity therapists. In the meantime, I have sent Ophelia some self-help materials around eating disorders. Ophelia will be contacted as soon as an appointment for a further assessment becomes available.
Such is my most recent diagnosis.
Isn't it nice to be reduced to such an insensitive list. Such heart-rendering stuff.
The NHS is one long waiting list. They don't really care if you have an eating disorder unless you are so thin you are about to die.
I should probably never have left treatment two years ago. I might have been saved. But I lied my way though and escaped. I don't believe you can be an expert in depression or eating disorders until you have suffered the hell yourself and realised that you can't escape it. They force fed me CBT and I went home and threw it up. And finally, I said thank you, shook hands and promised I would be ok. And they never noticed or cared that I never came back. They only care about you when it's too late. I have always been able to physically stand on my own two feet - therefore I could do so mentally too. But I can't.
So you see, even if I wanted to recover, I couldn't. I'd need to kill myself first to get attention. (But as my diagnosis above states, I won't, PHEW!)
Now, here's the thing.
I am going to see D.
Ok, so on New Years Eve, I decided, while facebook stalking, that D has a girlfriend. So I decided that that was it. I was filling my head with hopes that were just going to tear me up. I was committing myself to stay in a club which I had no interest in remaining. I couldn't bear the thought of making myself look perfect for him, taking on new work at the club and then finding out it was all for nothing. That's the kind of shit which makes me bed ridden for weeks. Ridiculously pathetic, but true.
So I deleted all the text messages from my phone which had bought incomprehensible smiles to my face, deleted his number, and posted on my facebook a declaration that I had removed the last guy from my head and was leaving the club to enjoy a sane 2010.
And that was it, all the pressure lifted. No need to push myself to lose weight. I was not seeing him, I was not going back to see anyone that mattered.
He was out of my head.
Until, of course, he commented on my facebook status.
I doubt he knew the guy I was removing from my head was him... well, maybe he does, but, I don't think it's that obvious... anyway he said I shouldn't leave the club.
So, brilliant, back into my head he goes! And there he stays.
So I managed to subtly ask a mutual friend... and find out he's single. Of course he's single. I bloody knew this all along! And of course he likes me, a guy who didn't like me would not have gone out of his way to keep asking to help me out with stuff.
So, now he's single, and I'm pretty certain he must like me - even if only a little and even if only superficially - it's ok for him to be in my head. It's ok for me to pursue this.
I dug out his number and added it to my phone again. And I texted him.
He said of course. Of course, he was still going to help me fix some kit. He's back in London from tomorrow. I can pick and choose when to go and see him.
Andddd I'm fat.
I am so fucking fat.
I'm going to give it 10 days. I am going to see him on 14th/15th January. Primarily because that's when my exams are over, but also, because I am going to work out every day until then. That, combined with the ABC diet should make it possible...
I need something to look forward to ok. I can't function without a goal. D is my goal. I'm so excited. I'll by a new outfit, spend all morning doing my hair, make my skin smooth as silk, and prance, light-footed into his world.
It's the only thing that can make me smile at the moment, the only thing in my life worth living for, worth starving for.
When I took it away for that brief time, I found myself staring into a year where nothing mattered. I did not matter.
But now, it gives me a reason to survive. THRIVE. I will find a way to live off this barren land, and bloom into that flower.