Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Yet mark'd I where the bolt of Cupid fell: It fell upon a little western flower, Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,

I've told D that I'm going to go to his on Thursday.
But I'm still too fat.
So I may postpone it till Friday. Or Monday. Or never.
Wouldn't it just be so much easier if I deleted him from my head, never heard from him again, never thought of him evermore. Oops, sorry D, I forgot you existed.

I went shopping today, with him in mind. Every time I remembered one of his messages and remembered something sweet he had said, I smiled - a great, big, sunny, daydream smile.
The goddamn boy makes me smile.

And yet, now, I just want to cry.
I binged.
I am too fat to go and see him, too fat to go and wow him.
I am a terrible fuck up.
It is too late, again. I messed up, I missed the deadline, I gave in. I fucked it up.

I will not go and see him at this weight. I would be humiliated. The experience would crush me.

I really want this. God, even just thinking about him makes me happier than I've been since the countryside days I spent with James back in the Summer of 2008. That was the last time a guy truly made me smile with happiness. And this guy, this D, I barely know him! I've had a short conversation face to face and literally no more that 20 messages either way since then! But I know I can't be imagining how I feel, and I can't be imaging that he is making me feel this way.
And yet, thanks to Mia, I'm going to walk away.
She made me pull out of a ski trip in 2008. She made me pull out of a sailing trip in 2009. She made me cut, she made me hide away, she made boys run from me, she made me fat and ugly, she ruined what should have been the best times of my life. And now, because of her, I'm too afraid to go after the guy who thinks about me, looks out for me, and whose words put a dreamy smile on my face.

If I were thin and beautiful, D would love me - he'd never let me go.
I don't care if that's irrational, I don't care if that's wrong.
It's not about what's true, it's about what my head says is true.

I want to curl up in his bed and have his strong arms entwined around me all night long. I want my fragile, porcelain body to be softly held against his broad torso. I want to be his little perfect, demure china doll.
If I go now, I will be some random butch friend.

I think the main reason he may like me is because of facebook - I know he stalks me a fair bit. But all my pictures on facebook make me look great. I mean, do you think I'd let ugly/fat photos be up there? If he likes me, it's this virtual me who he thinks is fit. The truth... is less appealing and er, less photoshopped...

I know I shouldn't be banging on about this guy, it's pathetic, but this is where my head is at at the moment. D this and D that. I go to the gym for D, I burn off 1,000 calories for D, I won't eat that for D.
When he doesn't message back quickly enough I binge. When he messages me and makes me smile I throw up with greater conviction.
He holds the strings of my eating disorder right now. All the strings. And he doesn't even know it - any of it.

It will be another 1,000 calories in the gym tomorrow. I did it yesterday, had a day off today because I went shopping, so back to the grind tomorrow.
And I'm going to fast. Fuck it. I'll eat healthy protein and veg when this is over. I need to fucking LOSE on an immense scale. I WANT to go and see him. I must lose 7 pounds first. If it's not done by Friday, I don't go. Ever.
If my body wants to scream at me for burning 1,000 calories and not eat, Fine. Scream. I'm not listening. I'll go and burn another 1,000 the day after to shut it up.
Damn you D. Damn you. Why did you fuck with a girl who has an eating disorder?



In other news, I have an appointment with a clinical psychologist on the 22nd Jan.
I am both delighted and mortified.
But I have to do it; I have to get out you know.
And I want it to work this time. I will work at it.
Because I want to get skinny.
I need to learn control... to stop the binging... to restrict better... I want to stop the bulimia, to make me more faithful to my thinner body.

I am fasting until I see D. I need support for this. I must not falter. Nothing but water for a flower... until I devour him.



13 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel! About how all of a sudden a guy can hold all the strings in an e.d.

    I wish you the best with your fast! Just keep in the back of your mind, that you're doing it to become that delicate and beautifull china doll, and you wont/cant fail.

    make ur love beat that bee-och Mia lol, keep strong!

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  2. You can do this! Its nice to have motivation, doesn't matter where it comes. Mine comes from a guy as well :) Just keep fighting, you will come out beautiful, thin and victorious.

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  3. Ophelia, I'm really really sorry for what I'm about to say because it will make your life hell and I know we should be eating healthily... we've literally just worked out something that will work... something that's right...

    but

    Yes. You have to fast.

    I've been through the exact same thing so many times. There's a chance, an opportunity, a boy... but you can't/won't go through with it because you're too fat. My biggest regrets in my life so far are all based on this. You meet someone, you really like them, they ask you out... It all happens so quickly. You're not thin enough and you're still bingeing... and suddenly you run out of time. And then you know you have to fast... but you'll never be perfect enough it time...

    Just fast. Don't think. Just do it. Fast until you see him. Postpone it as much as you can and don't eat anything until then. Drown. If you eat anything, under the stress and pressure of wanting to be perfect for him, you'll eat everything. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself.

    Whatever you do, don't do it.

    Just starve the excess weight away... and then after you've seen him go back to restricting. Screw the healthy food for the moment. Just cleanse out the poison. The toxins... and the food inside of you.

    Ok realistically... When you see him you won't be exactly where you want to be... but you'll be close. I know you'll hate yourself, I know you'll scream at yourself when you see the reflection in the mirror... but listen ok. He won't see that. Trust me, he won't see what you see. He'll just see a normal girl. And I know we don't want to be normal, it's not good enough, we want perfection. But he will see beauty.

    Don't let him go. You need him. You need this. Just don't let it go. Make up some excuse. Postpone the date. Starve... and then go to see him.

    Remember, you how you wanted to open that front door and stun? Ophelia, you'll stun him anyway but to give yourself that edge you need to get as thin as possible. Don't eat. Just keep drinking water.

    This isn't... fair. But ultimately it will make you happier. It will ruin you if you feel fat, ugly and awkward when you see him. You need to look the best you can in order to FEEL the best you can.

    It's one guy. One day. It doesn't matter in the long run. Don't panic about it. But just do everything you can to drop a few pounds, to smooth out your stomach before you see him.

    It'll be worth it.

    Just fast. Fast like you've done so many times before. And this time you won't need to binge at the end of it. Because you'll be so happy after you've seen him... you'll want to eat fairy food for the rest of your life.

    Stay strong. You're in control. You can do this. Don't lose hope. Just push through it.

    Holly x x x

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  4. Wow Holly, that was quite a post. Pretty incredible amount of truth and determination there.

    Listen to Holly! Ophelia, you can do it! You can be perfect.

    "The glass of fashion and the mould of form
    Th' observ'd of all observers, quite, quite down!"

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  5. Aww, sweetie. One binge won't totally fuck everything up. Just restrict extra hard tomorrow and you'll still totally wow him. Besides, if he's being sweet, he's already wowed by your beauty and smarts, not just your facebook pictures. I mean, he's seen you in real life too! Hang in there.

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  6. D has seen you in real life, so his interest in you can’t all be from what he has seen on face book… right? Ahh the pitfalls of face book, we post pictures where we look good (its true who posts fat/ugly pics unless that’s what you look like all the time) so our best self is seen, yet we hope we don’t disappoint in real life.

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  7. My manfriend is my top reason for losing weight right now too. I totally understand the symbolism of the delicate doll in his arms. I hate when my manfriend touches me now. I want him to touch a flawless lady too.

    I would go and see him, you don't want a good thing to escape your grasp. Just get lighter and lighter the more and more you see him. Don't let him get away.

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  8. Funny how we would do anything for a guy we want to be with so badly, especially if they comment that they like when girls bodies look a certain way know? I know you can do this. I know you can fight and be thin. The psychiatrist I hope goes well. Don't give up love okay?

    Stay Strong.

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  9. Hi i have just come across your post and have just learnt that people like me exist. I'm a 15 year old girl and i have body dysmorphic disorder, social anxiety, depression and and a non-specified eating disorder which is more like ana then urs. I also have severe anxiety and OCD. Oh and i self harm aswell.
    I have now read your entire blog, and the feelings of insecurity and obsession with appearance are all to familiar to me. I almost feel as if your writing will be me in the future a few years older.

    I know that it is soooo difficult for you to fit in with other people and live a normal life, you try and try but all you accomplish is the desire to kill yourself.

    But know that i'm here for you and i will be reading your posts almost reverently. I can't help but wonder in all your journeys where you both accomplish and fail, have you learnt something, some answer somewhere to your problems that you could maybe share with me, as a younger version of yourself?

    Keep going and don't give up, because sometimes it feels good, and we have to live for those moments no matter how many times we fall.

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  10. I understand completely.. i was in the same situation just last week but its too late, Im ingnoring and have already brushed him away.. its a viscious neverending cycle!! I hate to encourage or condone any eating disorder but holly is right..Im pushing my luck & strength through my computer now and giving it all to you so dont you dare waste it ;)
    Just wanted to say a humble thankyou for the recent comment you left me.. it made me stop, think then shed a few tears..Will not go into details as to why but wanted to let you know that you made a rather unexpected imapact on my night... hope all goes well for you this week, keep us posted! x

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  11. it sounds weird, but it really helped me to restrict myself to one bulimic binge per day. it was easier for me to restrict during the day when i knew i was allowed to pig out late in the evening - then , i knew for once i could eat all i wanted anyway. RULE: do not leave it in your stomach for more than 20 mins, get up, get ot out, have a banana and a huge glass of water brush your teeth and go to sleep. i have lost weight constantly by doing this plus after a while i started having lots of evenings when i did not binge at all. it was much easier not to when this "oh well i could if i wanted" was in the back of my head. I love your blog and good luck, keep going, I'm sure you are stunning already just by the way you write, besides noone who struggles as much as you do could ever be anything but beautiful

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  12. you are not fat. i've never seen you but something tells me you are thin as hell, beautiful and gorgeous. he deserves you. or maybe, you are too good for him. in any case, you like him, go with the flow. again, i'm sure you are thin and beautiful. only wish i were you. just go for it. go with the flow. see where it leads...

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  13. when i'm skinny boys will like me more too. then i'll hold the power and be able to select the most perfect one. then i'll be happy.

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