I've told D that I'm going to go to his on Thursday.
But I'm still too fat.
So I may postpone it till Friday. Or Monday. Or never.
Wouldn't it just be so much easier if I deleted him from my head, never heard from him again, never thought of him evermore. Oops, sorry D, I forgot you existed.
I went shopping today, with him in mind. Every time I remembered one of his messages and remembered something sweet he had said, I smiled - a great, big, sunny, daydream smile.
The goddamn boy makes me smile.
And yet, now, I just want to cry.
I am too fat to go and see him, too fat to go and wow him.
I am a terrible fuck up.
It is too late, again. I messed up, I missed the deadline, I gave in. I fucked it up.
I will not go and see him at this weight. I would be humiliated. The experience would crush me.
I really want this. God, even just thinking about him makes me happier than I've been since the countryside days I spent with James back in the Summer of 2008. That was the last time a guy truly made me smile with happiness. And this guy, this D, I barely know him! I've had a short conversation face to face and literally no more that 20 messages either way since then! But I know I can't be imagining how I feel, and I can't be imaging that he is making me feel this way.
And yet, thanks to Mia, I'm going to walk away.
She made me pull out of a ski trip in 2008. She made me pull out of a sailing trip in 2009. She made me cut, she made me hide away, she made boys run from me, she made me fat and ugly, she ruined what should have been the best times of my life. And now, because of her, I'm too afraid to go after the guy who thinks about me, looks out for me, and whose words put a dreamy smile on my face.
If I were thin and beautiful, D would love me - he'd never let me go.
I don't care if that's irrational, I don't care if that's wrong.
It's not about what's true, it's about what my head says is true.
I want to curl up in his bed and have his strong arms entwined around me all night long. I want my fragile, porcelain body to be softly held against his broad torso. I want to be his little perfect, demure china doll.
If I go now, I will be some random butch friend.
I think the main reason he may like me is because of facebook - I know he stalks me a fair bit. But all my pictures on facebook make me look great. I mean, do you think I'd let ugly/fat photos be up there? If he likes me, it's this virtual me who he thinks is fit. The truth... is less appealing and er, less photoshopped...
I know I shouldn't be banging on about this guy, it's pathetic, but this is where my head is at at the moment. D this and D that. I go to the gym for D, I burn off 1,000 calories for D, I won't eat that for D.
When he doesn't message back quickly enough I binge. When he messages me and makes me smile I throw up with greater conviction.
He holds the strings of my eating disorder right now. All the strings. And he doesn't even know it - any of it.
It will be another 1,000 calories in the gym tomorrow. I did it yesterday, had a day off today because I went shopping, so back to the grind tomorrow.
And I'm going to fast. Fuck it. I'll eat healthy protein and veg when this is over. I need to fucking LOSE on an immense scale. I WANT to go and see him. I must lose 7 pounds first. If it's not done by Friday, I don't go. Ever.
If my body wants to scream at me for burning 1,000 calories and not eat, Fine. Scream. I'm not listening. I'll go and burn another 1,000 the day after to shut it up.
Damn you D. Damn you. Why did you fuck with a girl who has an eating disorder?
In other news, I have an appointment with a clinical psychologist on the 22nd Jan.
I am both delighted and mortified.
But I have to do it; I have to get out you know.
And I want it to work this time. I will work at it.
Because I want to get skinny.
I need to learn control... to stop the binging... to restrict better... I want to stop the bulimia, to make me more faithful to my thinner body.
I am fasting until I see D. I need support for this. I must not falter. Nothing but water for a flower... until I devour him.
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9 months ago