Saturday, 2 January 2010

ONE YEAR ON

This blog is now one year old!

I can't believe it.
Over 300 followers and still writing.


So I am going to take you back to where it all began...
In the Autumn term of my final year at University I chose a module in Literary Theory and Trauma. One of our projects was to analyse some blogs - so naturally I decided upon an eating disorder one. My google search at the time came up with one: Dying to be Thin - Anaregzig - The queen of all pro-ana bloggers. I read it from beginning to end. And that's when I found that a sanctuary for me did exist - here.
I didn't start up my own blog until the end of term, after Christmas. I never intended it to be 'pro-ana' and still don't, really. I just wanted to write freely. I wanted to be able to express exactly what was going on inside my head, exactly what I wanted and believed and exactly who I was, without the fear of social prejudice. My desires then are the same as they are now:
- I want to recover and be normal.
- I want to be thin and beautiful.
I struggle to appreciate that the two things conflict.

I don't take delight in my eating disorder. It has ruined year, upon year of my life. I know that.
But at the same time, I know that my life is nothing without the pursuit of perfection. I need Ana to make me happy, and she does.
I want to live happily and be normal. But I only want that if I am thin and beautiful.


So, one year on. I am still a full-time bulimic. I still self-harm. I still obsess. I still hide. I am still here.
The damage I've done to my body is becoming more apparent.
I want you to know, if I ever disappear from this blog, then...
...well, I want you to know I won't just disappear. I'll tell you if I'm not coming back, ok. So you know what's happened if I don't.



Yesterday I had a good cry. And I stuffed myself with a huge cake. And threw up a loaf of bread.
Why?
Because I made the decision not to have anymore contact with D and leave the club and basically cut myself off from the world outside my studies. So it was ok for me to be fat.
Yeah, no idea what was going on.
So fuck all that. All this THINKING. Drives me MAD.
I can't give it up and I know it.

I really... you know what... I don't know what is wrong with my head. Am I actually ill or am I just imagining and creating all this chaos? Why am I like this? How do I stop? Can I stop?

Am I doomed forever, Desdemona?



Ophelia Wants To Be A Flower in 2010

1. Carbs and junk just want to destroy me. I will not be destroyed.
2. I am not empty. I am full.
3. I am intelligent. Prove it.
4. I am so beautiful and pure. Underneath the fat.
5. There is no guy I want. Only guys who want me.


It's time to bloom before I go to seed.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for your strength and your beauty and your mind.

    I'm a total stranger, I know, and so I don't know what my words are worth, but I thought it couldn't hurt to let you know that you inspire me, and not just in a pro-ana or mia sense.

    So...thanks. <3

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  2. I think 2010 is going to be a great year--a whole new decade to be whatever you want! I hope you find a way to sort out how to be healthy and thin and everythig else you want. :)

    I love what you said, "it's time to bloom before I go to seed" I think that's really clever!

    Happy New Year!

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  3. I don't know any of the answers to those questions... who knows. How can we possibly know? It's so unfair. All of it. Sometimes I wonder whether any of it will happen for me. Will I ever be beautiful? I don't know. It's out of my power. But it's in my power to be thin. And thin is beautiful. Thin is healthy! Thin is lean and fit.

    Ophelia, let's be thin and then we'll take it from there. You're right, give up the junk and give up the bad carbs. 7 stone and then we'll get so so beautiful. Those guys won't be able to take their eyes off of you!

    Come oooooonnnn.

    We have to do this! Don't you go giving up on me. You're going to be so successful and so happy... If we could just master this disordered life that resolves around food. Just cut out the binges. No more bread or cake.

    Don't do it, please Ophelia don't do it. Everything depends on this! There's no other way out. This is it. This is the way out.

    We're standing in the way of ourselves. Walk away. And I swear to God we'll be perfect so soon.

    Stay positive. We can do this. We're going to do this! I mean seriously, how long is it going to take? 7 stone by the end of February. That's easy!!

    We're doing this. Ok? Keep going. Start running. Do loads of law work and everything will fall into place.

    2010 is our year.

    x x x

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  4. I fucking love Literary Theory. Sort of.

    But you probably already knew that.

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

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  5. I love reading your blog <3 It is really nice to have this sanctuary. I'm sure 2010 will be an amazing year for you.
    Stay strong <3

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  6. You are still here.

    After toughing through a year of ED and self harm, you are still alive.

    You are amazing. Can you see it? I can.

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  7. Happy Birthday blog, and well done for getting through another year of this and being so strong about it x

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  8. I am thankful for having found you and for the opportunity to continue getting to know you better and loving you more for it for each post.

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)