This blog is now one year old!
I can't believe it.
Over 300 followers and still writing.
So I am going to take you back to where it all began...
In the Autumn term of my final year at University I chose a module in Literary Theory and Trauma. One of our projects was to analyse some blogs - so naturally I decided upon an eating disorder one. My google search at the time came up with one: Dying to be Thin - Anaregzig - The queen of all pro-ana bloggers. I read it from beginning to end. And that's when I found that a sanctuary for me did exist - here.
I didn't start up my own blog until the end of term, after Christmas. I never intended it to be 'pro-ana' and still don't, really. I just wanted to write freely. I wanted to be able to express exactly what was going on inside my head, exactly what I wanted and believed and exactly who I was, without the fear of social prejudice. My desires then are the same as they are now:
- I want to recover and be normal.
- I want to be thin and beautiful.
I struggle to appreciate that the two things conflict.
I don't take delight in my eating disorder. It has ruined year, upon year of my life. I know that.
But at the same time, I know that my life is nothing without the pursuit of perfection. I need Ana to make me happy, and she does.
I want to live happily and be normal. But I only want that if I am thin and beautiful.
So, one year on. I am still a full-time bulimic. I still self-harm. I still obsess. I still hide. I am still here.
The damage I've done to my body is becoming more apparent.
I want you to know, if I ever disappear from this blog, then...
...well, I want you to know I won't just disappear. I'll tell you if I'm not coming back, ok. So you know what's happened if I don't.
Yesterday I had a good cry. And I stuffed myself with a huge cake. And threw up a loaf of bread.
Because I made the decision not to have anymore contact with D and leave the club and basically cut myself off from the world outside my studies. So it was ok for me to be fat.
Yeah, no idea what was going on.
So fuck all that. All this THINKING. Drives me MAD.
I can't give it up and I know it.
I really... you know what... I don't know what is wrong with my head. Am I actually ill or am I just imagining and creating all this chaos? Why am I like this? How do I stop? Can I stop?
Am I doomed forever, Desdemona?
Ophelia Wants To Be A Flower in 2010
1. Carbs and junk just want to destroy me. I will not be destroyed.
2. I am not empty. I am full.
3. I am intelligent. Prove it.
4. I am so beautiful and pure. Underneath the fat.
5. There is no guy I want. Only guys who want me.
It's time to bloom before I go to seed.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago