Skip to main content

ONE YEAR ON

This blog is now one year old!

I can't believe it.
Over 300 followers and still writing.


So I am going to take you back to where it all began...
In the Autumn term of my final year at University I chose a module in Literary Theory and Trauma. One of our projects was to analyse some blogs - so naturally I decided upon an eating disorder one. My google search at the time came up with one: Dying to be Thin - Anaregzig - The queen of all pro-ana bloggers. I read it from beginning to end. And that's when I found that a sanctuary for me did exist - here.
I didn't start up my own blog until the end of term, after Christmas. I never intended it to be 'pro-ana' and still don't, really. I just wanted to write freely. I wanted to be able to express exactly what was going on inside my head, exactly what I wanted and believed and exactly who I was, without the fear of social prejudice. My desires then are the same as they are now:
- I want to recover and be normal.
- I want to be thin and beautiful.
I struggle to appreciate that the two things conflict.

I don't take delight in my eating disorder. It has ruined year, upon year of my life. I know that.
But at the same time, I know that my life is nothing without the pursuit of perfection. I need Ana to make me happy, and she does.
I want to live happily and be normal. But I only want that if I am thin and beautiful.


So, one year on. I am still a full-time bulimic. I still self-harm. I still obsess. I still hide. I am still here.
The damage I've done to my body is becoming more apparent.
I want you to know, if I ever disappear from this blog, then...
...well, I want you to know I won't just disappear. I'll tell you if I'm not coming back, ok. So you know what's happened if I don't.



Yesterday I had a good cry. And I stuffed myself with a huge cake. And threw up a loaf of bread.
Why?
Because I made the decision not to have anymore contact with D and leave the club and basically cut myself off from the world outside my studies. So it was ok for me to be fat.
Yeah, no idea what was going on.
So fuck all that. All this THINKING. Drives me MAD.
I can't give it up and I know it.

I really... you know what... I don't know what is wrong with my head. Am I actually ill or am I just imagining and creating all this chaos? Why am I like this? How do I stop? Can I stop?

Am I doomed forever, Desdemona?



Ophelia Wants To Be A Flower in 2010

1. Carbs and junk just want to destroy me. I will not be destroyed.
2. I am not empty. I am full.
3. I am intelligent. Prove it.
4. I am so beautiful and pure. Underneath the fat.
5. There is no guy I want. Only guys who want me.


It's time to bloom before I go to seed.

Comments

  1. Thank you for your strength and your beauty and your mind.

    I'm a total stranger, I know, and so I don't know what my words are worth, but I thought it couldn't hurt to let you know that you inspire me, and not just in a pro-ana or mia sense.

    So...thanks. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think 2010 is going to be a great year--a whole new decade to be whatever you want! I hope you find a way to sort out how to be healthy and thin and everythig else you want. :)

    I love what you said, "it's time to bloom before I go to seed" I think that's really clever!

    Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know any of the answers to those questions... who knows. How can we possibly know? It's so unfair. All of it. Sometimes I wonder whether any of it will happen for me. Will I ever be beautiful? I don't know. It's out of my power. But it's in my power to be thin. And thin is beautiful. Thin is healthy! Thin is lean and fit.

    Ophelia, let's be thin and then we'll take it from there. You're right, give up the junk and give up the bad carbs. 7 stone and then we'll get so so beautiful. Those guys won't be able to take their eyes off of you!

    Come oooooonnnn.

    We have to do this! Don't you go giving up on me. You're going to be so successful and so happy... If we could just master this disordered life that resolves around food. Just cut out the binges. No more bread or cake.

    Don't do it, please Ophelia don't do it. Everything depends on this! There's no other way out. This is it. This is the way out.

    We're standing in the way of ourselves. Walk away. And I swear to God we'll be perfect so soon.

    Stay positive. We can do this. We're going to do this! I mean seriously, how long is it going to take? 7 stone by the end of February. That's easy!!

    We're doing this. Ok? Keep going. Start running. Do loads of law work and everything will fall into place.

    2010 is our year.

    x x x

    ReplyDelete
  4. I fucking love Literary Theory. Sort of.

    But you probably already knew that.

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love reading your blog <3 It is really nice to have this sanctuary. I'm sure 2010 will be an amazing year for you.
    Stay strong <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are still here.

    After toughing through a year of ED and self harm, you are still alive.

    You are amazing. Can you see it? I can.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Happy Birthday blog, and well done for getting through another year of this and being so strong about it x

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am thankful for having found you and for the opportunity to continue getting to know you better and loving you more for it for each post.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

The Hardest Post...

. This is the hardest post I have ever had to write. I apologise if it's sporadic and raw. This is everything from the last two months. When I went away with Alex for a weekend on the 16th July and when we went away for the second time on the 13th August. How things became incredible. How things fell apart. The writing in red is what I have written today - my input now - the writing in black is what I wrote on the date stated. Written on 19th July 2010 The dream is not a dream. It exists. I tasted it. I lived it. The happiness of my childhood is not dead. It lives around me – in other children, in other families. I walked hand-in-hand with Alex through the gardens of Chatsworth House, listening to the laughter of children, watching old couples sitting on the wall eating huge cones of soft white ice cream. Seeing families all around me. Joy, happiness, laughter, innocence, contentment, fulfilment. I was right all along. I knew it. I knew it! I had known all along what

With all my everlasting love, Goodbye...

Well, I got the job. I spent the last three weeks living and breathing the company and the role, preparing myself completely for the onslaught of interviews. Every spare moment pouring over economics textbooks, business journals and newspapers, paperbacks and online resources. I did everything I could to get that job. I sat on the train on my journey home with my eyes closed and sent my thoughts up to the sky please let me get it, please, please I start in 4 weeks, straight after I finish at the school. Right back in the centre of the City of London. where I belong . where I can thrive, work hard and play hard back to my best whatever that best is I got the call to say I'd been offered the job in the middle of my therapy session. I was overjoyed. My therapist congratulated me. We talked about the incredible progress I had made. We talked about the end... We decided that my last session will be the week before I start my new job. The sun was shining outside, I felt invin

Old habits...

Anonymous said... stop binge eating stop throwing up stop taking laxatives and you'll be fine. eat a bit and starve the rest of the time. if you can't starve eat a little bit of fruit or veg. if you carry on like this, if you lose alex, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. get it together. 14 June 2010 13:18 I never forgot this comment - so I went back to search for it. I never forgot it because even at the time, I knew it was so true, and I wasn't strong enough - am not strong enough - to end the binge and purge cycle. Sometimes I get these pro-ana comments which are harsh but true. I like them. I noticed how many comments I have that I've never been able to respond to properly - and I apologise, because I haven't had the time to show how every single one has been read and taken into my heart. I'm going to catch up and write back this next week.   When I was at my most disciplined I was wonderfully thin. In the beginning of my second year o