Monday, 16 November 2009

All the way

You guys are so kind.
Always - always - your comments mean so much to me.
Never in a million years did I think...


But it's been a bad week. I didn't go into college once.
This is not university anymore. I'm doing the law conversion course. I can't just take a week off because I feel fat and ugly.
But I...
I know I can't go in when I am. And I am. I am fat and ugly.
I couldn't bear to have to walk into that lecture theatre with everyones eyes on my fat thighs in jeans and then sit in the library where anyone can walk past and see my chubby and blotchy face. They'd all see me. My friends. M.
Fuck M. Why the HELL do I have to have feelings for him?!
I couldn't go into college because I was so scared he'd see me. I was so terrified he'd see how fat and ugly I was. So I hid away for a week and missed all my lectures. What-the-absolute-fuck-is-wrong-with-me!
... oh... yeah...

And now I have fresh red lines on my arms and I'm even fatter after eating this week. Well done Ophelia - really made use of that time hiding away.

I have to go into college this week. I have to.
But
Oh my God
I am not brave enough.
I don't have the courage to walk into that lecture theatre. I can't live with that fear that I'm going to walk into Mark around the next corner. I can't face the panic attacks when I see him in the library. I can't face my friends - who think I've been ill - I can't face them and be smiley and happy and normal.

Fear.
It's just fear again.
All because of the way I look.
And I can't find the courage to walk out the door.
Even after the wonderful dinner night, knowing this is the thinnest and best I've looked in so long... It's still... not good enough... I AM STILL TOO FAT.
All my feelings and emotions are still channelled as violently as ever into my hatred of the way I look - because I know I should still be ashamed.

I am too old for this. I know. I shouldn't be playing this game anymore. I need to get better.
But I've tried all the safe routes, I've tried dieting with a healthy mind - and it kept me fat.
So I'm playing the only way I know how - the only way that has ever worked - the only way I can combat the fear.
I can't be normal, I can't eat normally, I can't do it because I fail, miserably, miserably.
I've got to stop pretending that I can wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and get on with my day happily. It's never going to happen. I smile in the morning when I wake up starving and I stand in front of my mirror and run my hands across my flat stomach and feel my ribs and hipbones. BEING THIN. Then I can leave the house and go to college, and study, and have friends, and flirt with guys: Then I can be alive.
Nothing else matters. Nothing else can matter. Nothing else will ever matter - until I am thin.

I need to turn up the velocity. I need to become truly devoted. NO MORE FEAR. This is full on war now. I will beat my body into submission. I will set myself free from it. I will live.
It may kill me, but the last remaining shred of sanity has to go. I can't try and stay healthy anymore because it's holding me back. I'm going all the way; the only way.

There's no saving me.
I will have to starve my body for the rest of my life so that I can live my life.
And I will be so happy.

10 comments:

  1. Coincidental maybe. This week's been extremely bad for me as well. u are probably thinner than me, i was about 127 lb last week. This week, i'm 137, with all the binging i did. I just lost it. Something snapped inside me. And with the depression over having fat thighs (my upper body just won't get fat) and looking monstrous, I didn't go to my lectures. I stayed in my dark room eating, eating, and hating myself.

    I turn 22 in 3 weeks. I already have a job lined up in NYC beginning next fall. I have nothing to worry about.... but I'm fat. Fat and ugly. I wish I can pay for a lipo. Haha... random thoughts, I know. Ophelia, you sound like you are successful, 22 and already working for that J.D. Probably hit a well-paying, prestigious job as soon as you walk out with your graduation gown.

    You say you'll go the only way. Me too. I will stop eating beginning now. I can't bear to look at my bulging fat thighs; the fat face without any trace of bones; the back that's bigger than my face. I hate it all. I wish it'll all end here. I don't know.. we'll be thin. Let's starve together. I need support. I hope you don't mind having a support buddy either. You seem to be strong, not asking for any help. But I'm not, and I ask for help from you. I need someone to encourage and motivate me through this.

    Huh, ended up being a long post.....

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  2. Oh God Ophelia! You are so right. You're always right. You're the one person out there who manages to put into writing EXACTLY how I feel... every single time.

    We can't be normal. If we try... we fail. Because we get fat. Being normal just isn't good enough. It's so sad but it's true. We have to be thin. Perfection is the only way to happiness.

    We're the ones who have to strive for something better... something thinner. And we can't stop until it's done.

    What are we waiting for? Why do we keep wondering back to food... eating... eating a bit more and then just full out bingeing.

    We. Can't. Do. It.

    It's ruining everything for us. We have to stop. We have to stop now. But how many times have I said that? How many times have I said I'm going to change. It's all lies. I'll never change... So what's the point of even trying? There's no eating to happiness. It doesn't work like that.

    Ophelia darling, we have to starve. We really really do. It's so hard to give it up... but it's the only way forwards for us.

    Air and water. Vitamin pills. That's all flowers need to survive... right? Water and minerals.


    Fuck. Help me. I'm so scared... I've got to have my passport photo taken... I can't do it. I actually can't do it. But I need my passport for January. I'm panicking. There's no way out. I know what I look like... and it's fat. It's fucking huge. I don't know what to do! Time has run out...

    But the thing is... I DO know what to do.

    I have to starve...


    We have to starve.

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  3. Your words...well they just resonate so much with me. I wish I knew what to say but I don't. I live with the same level of fear. I will say this though, I think you are incredibly courageous and brave...not to mention inspiring. As you stated, "NO MORE FEAR". That is my mantra for the week.

    I once read somewhere, "The key to change is letting go of fear."

    You can do this.

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  4. I feel very similarly. Besides, if you do eventually want to "get better", thing might need to be at their "worst" before they can improve, you know? I hope I make sense and even if I don't, just know I understand you and wish you the best.

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  5. I hate to sound like everone else but I feel the same too. I hate going to school everyday feeling so fat and awful. I wish I could stay home. But you just have to remember that it doesn't matter if those people see you, because when you lose wieght (which you will, you seem stronger than you give yourself credit. You will do it!) they will think 'wow'. Be strong! Good luck

    ~Creative
    x

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  6. Hi. I just finished reading your entire blog from beginning to present. It hurts to read, but I couldn't stop. You made me care what happens to you. I wish I could hug you. Settle for a virtual one?

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  7. Sometimes you just have to wait for the comment box to load, at least I do on mine. :(

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  8. This week is just plain bad. I had an awful week with depression and depressive eating and all that horrid stuff... I know how you feel, not wanting to go places because people will see you fat; i'm there too. It's the worst feeling in the world. We must fix it; we must starve and make starving all that matters! Stay strong, love! We can do this.

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  9. Ophelia! RIGHT. We are doing this. And we're going to keep doing it until we get it right.

    I was planning on starting today... but erm there was a rather unfortunate incident with a cookie...

    I'm definately starting tomorrow though. No buts. No binges. NO failures. ABC is the way forward for us. We have to do it. It's now or never. It's the only way out.

    Stay with me!

    x x x

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  10. i dont know why but this week has been hell for me too. i feel like the fattest thing in the world. as i walk down the street i feel everyone staring at my massive thighs, judging me. i can hear them now, thinking why the hell is that fat piece of shit even alive?

    but just knowing people like you are out there, who fell just like i do every day, gives me hope that i can be beautiful again

    stay strong, everything takes time

    xx

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