You guys are so kind.
Always - always - your comments mean so much to me.
Never in a million years did I think...
But it's been a bad week. I didn't go into college once.
This is not university anymore. I'm doing the law conversion course. I can't just take a week off because I feel fat and ugly.
I know I can't go in when I am. And I am. I am fat and ugly.
I couldn't bear to have to walk into that lecture theatre with everyones eyes on my fat thighs in jeans and then sit in the library where anyone can walk past and see my chubby and blotchy face. They'd all see me. My friends. M.
Fuck M. Why the HELL do I have to have feelings for him?!
I couldn't go into college because I was so scared he'd see me. I was so terrified he'd see how fat and ugly I was. So I hid away for a week and missed all my lectures. What-the-absolute-fuck-is-wrong-with-me!
... oh... yeah...
And now I have fresh red lines on my arms and I'm even fatter after eating this week. Well done Ophelia - really made use of that time hiding away.
I have to go into college this week. I have to.
Oh my God
I am not brave enough.
I don't have the courage to walk into that lecture theatre. I can't live with that fear that I'm going to walk into Mark around the next corner. I can't face the panic attacks when I see him in the library. I can't face my friends - who think I've been ill - I can't face them and be smiley and happy and normal.
It's just fear again.
All because of the way I look.
And I can't find the courage to walk out the door.
Even after the wonderful dinner night, knowing this is the thinnest and best I've looked in so long... It's still... not good enough... I AM STILL TOO FAT.
All my feelings and emotions are still channelled as violently as ever into my hatred of the way I look - because I know I should still be ashamed.
I am too old for this. I know. I shouldn't be playing this game anymore. I need to get better.
But I've tried all the safe routes, I've tried dieting with a healthy mind - and it kept me fat.
So I'm playing the only way I know how - the only way that has ever worked - the only way I can combat the fear.
I can't be normal, I can't eat normally, I can't do it because I fail, miserably, miserably.
I've got to stop pretending that I can wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and get on with my day happily. It's never going to happen. I smile in the morning when I wake up starving and I stand in front of my mirror and run my hands across my flat stomach and feel my ribs and hipbones. BEING THIN. Then I can leave the house and go to college, and study, and have friends, and flirt with guys: Then I can be alive.
Nothing else matters. Nothing else can matter. Nothing else will ever matter - until I am thin.
I need to turn up the velocity. I need to become truly devoted. NO MORE FEAR. This is full on war now. I will beat my body into submission. I will set myself free from it. I will live.
It may kill me, but the last remaining shred of sanity has to go. I can't try and stay healthy anymore because it's holding me back. I'm going all the way; the only way.
There's no saving me.
I will have to starve my body for the rest of my life so that I can live my life.
And I will be so happy.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago