Skip to main content

He got to laugh

My mum wants me to go into town with her to sort out my bank account.
I go only to avoid an argument.
I wear my shittest fattest clothes.
I look like a piece of shit, humiliated by my reflection, but its'll be two minutes in public then home to hide my ugly reflection away. I would never, ever go out looking like this on any normal occasion.

I walk right into my ex-boyfriend.
Not seen him since we broke up 3 years ago.
Panic attack. Sweating. Shaking. Retching.
Fists clenched like a murderer.
Knife, blood, help me cope.
Walked in the door and screamed.

I want to smash things up. I want to bleed into ecstasy.

He got to laugh at how ugly I am.


  1. Oh yuck, you poor thing. You can make yourself immaculate a million times in the hopes of bumping into an ex, but it only ever happens when you aren't expecting it and look your worst :(

    I just read the article about "normal women". Dress it up any way you like love. You are overweight and even if the odd chubby chaser wants to run his hands over your ripples, you are still at an increased risk of diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, cancer and GOD DAMN FREAKING UGLINESS.

    And you only have fewer wrinkles because your skin is so stretched. Wrinkles over stretch marks any day

  2. wah. poor girl. that sucks.
    so he actually saw you?

    you know what: lose them pounds and then meet him again (by accident of course) and he will bite his ass! :D


    Coming soon.

  4. don't worry,
    I'm sure you didn't look ugly.
    I hate going out now,
    incase I see people I know.
    they will see how fat I am,
    eugh, hope your okay,

  5. dont worry sweetheart, most of the time when we think we are at our worst everyone thinks we still look amazing.
    im sure he was kicking himself in the ass for not having you still.

  6. >.< I just had the gnarliest meeting with an ex, one who I'm still not over. It was at a party, I was so shitfaced, he had to carry me to the car I was riding in while bitching about how sucky at life I am. Ex boyfriends are so lame.
    Just try to knock his socks off, next time he sees you.


Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…