I'm currently sitting in Starbucks at London St Pancras station, waiting for my train back to uni (and an empty kitchen! joy!!) I've been here at the station for about two hours... and still another hour to go before my train actually departs. I decided it would be better to leave home before dinner just so I could avoid another fiasco (seriously staying at home these last two weeks has been living hell! Closets full of food, taking out rubbish bags every other day in secret. Not to mention constantly being surrounded by tons and tons of food screaming out "Binge On Me!"
To amuse myself I bought a copy of the American Edition of Vogue here at the station's WHSmith. Beyonce on the cover: "Real women have curves". Looking at these pictures even now, the first thing that strikes me is, bloody hell, she has massive thighs and arse. Like...really...I'd hate to have her figure...and yet...everyone always goes on about how great it is. I have this issue with Marylin Monroe as well...I mean...she was a big girl. Do I need a slap round the face for saying these things about Monroe and Beyonce????
Argh, I dunno, maybe curves look good if you're famous enough...but for me, yuck yuck yuck, curves are something that I just find hideous on my own body.
Also, I can't help but notice that most of the models in American Vogue are definitely shapelier than those in my usual UK Vogue - is this just me? I scrutinise figures carefully and I'm sure these waists are at least a couple of inches bigger - stumbling across a picture of Victoria Beckham in the middle of the magazine and suddenly she looks deadly thin in comparison rather than looking normal size next to the models in UK magazines. ?!?!?
Maybe I've had too much coffee and my head is shakey.
But still in this same edition there is an article praising "voluptuous" Adele - ummm what.
And another article about Monica Seles overcoming her obsessions with weight...
Ok...I'm not imagining this...I need a magazine with tiny waif like waists before my head gets completely screwed up!
Why do I hate myself so much for looking like a Monroe or Beyonce?
Maybe curvy is beautiful...but to me, curvy is natural, uncontrolled, normal.
I want to be out-of-this-world, controlled and exceptional.
I suppose this whole episode has made me realise that this desire for perfection and thinness is about more than just food and mirrors... it's about me. It's about becoming something more by proving that I can become something less. Mentally, this is important to me. It's a challenge that I judge my life success by.
Some people challenge success by money, power, love. For me I judge success by control and weight...
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago