Skip to main content
It's nearly 3am and I have to be on the coach at 7am to go to Paris. Argh. And yeah I'm a little bit drunk - typing is really hard in this state.
I drank and I ate today. Loads. Worthless piece of shit. I looked fucking huge in my dress tonight.

Anyway. I pulled this guy, Max. He's lovely, lovely, really. I know he's liked me for ages, and then he decided to go out with this girl, and they've just broken up. And oh! I don't know, am I using him? Am I gonna change my mind and be heartless towards him? But goodness, he is so... I dunno, just so... he says things I've never heard a guy say to me before... makes me feel incredible...
and I feel like...why?

Does he know? Would he care? What am I doing? Why.
He is such a lovely guy. The boyfriend type of guy. and honestly, I think I'd just fuck him up. Im not a girlfriend kind of girl.

Fuck mah pff

Ok so this is the last time I'm gonna be online for like 4 days. I'm gonna miss you guys. I'm afraid. Max is coming to Paris too, what, why...shit

This isn't what I want. I want Ana. Thin.

Comments

  1. Savory Sweet20 April 2009 at 05:56

    Do what you want, Sweet Pea! Enjoy Paris and just go with your gut regarding the guy. You deserve a break at the very least so I hope you have some fun.

    Will miss you, but I hope you have exciting things to tell when you return!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous20 April 2009 at 08:39

    Love a good drunken post. :)

    Look out for yourself sweety, new guy can take care of himself. As long as you don't screw him over on purpose then it's fair game.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous20 April 2009 at 18:51

    Miss you :)

    Maybe a guy is what you kinda need right now.
    Not to sound bad of course.

    You're a great drunken typist :P

    Take care :)

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous25 April 2009 at 17:23

    Oh baby. Please stay strong! It will get better. It will all be ok. Just... try to find hope. Motivation, determination. I believe in you. I know you can do this. You ARE going to do this. It's just a game of time. Keep faith xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. SophiaRuins28 April 2009 at 03:14

    good luck girl!
    i dont really see myself as a girlfriend type either.
    im not exactly what someone would bring home to mom hahaha
    but maybe this guy could help you grow as far as relationships go.
    maybe its worth the trouble.

    well, ill miss you while youre gone!


    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

2017

I have wanted to come back for a little while. So much has happened since my last post. Work colleagues mostly, a trial run with a boy from an app. Arthur, Francis, Gregory, Vincent, Russell, Simon R. Shoes that didn't fit. There are pages about them of course, not here, but in notebooks and scribbles on my phone written on my tube commute. Some indifference, some annihilation, all part of my continual journey.

In February, I met Thomas, and the turn began. We began dating in April, I was labelled his girlfriend in August, and he is the kindest man I have ever let into my life.

I went to Bali in March. Like the healing of the Nile, the energy pulsed deep into my cells and blood and I have not let it go yet. The vibrations of the gong still echoing in my ears, the sunrise still glowing in my heart, the peace and tranquillity in the silent hum of those green fields... I came back with a deep, divine knowledge, that I treasure, every time I am close to forgetting.

And now, I am train…
2 comments
Read more

"Feeling 22, acting 17"

Except at 26, neither feeling 22 nor acting 17 is okay.

All the secrets I have to keep.

I can't tell anyone what I did last night. Except the whole world here, with my anonymous face.
Hiding.

Because I know I should be ashamed.

All week I had been thinking about Gareth. Thinking, longing, dreaming - at the expense of my work and my sanity.
But the strangest thing happened to my eating. No binges, no starving, no vomiting, just level-headed control. Was it the faux joy?

We spoke every day: whatsapp, office messenger, lunches in the bank restaurant and 'meetings' in the bank coffee shop, sessions in the gym and runs along embankment. No sense for being sensible and holding back, getting closer and closer. I wanted to be closer and closer. I kept thinking about having my hands on him. Fuck him. Fuck him for literally putting those thoughts firmly in my mind. And damn me for going back to being the fuck up I'd suppressed for so long.

It's no coincidence that my one-…
4 comments
Read more

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight
4 comments
Read more