Skip to main content

Walking heaven

Hmm sorry for the last post. I tend to go all crazy, manic, poetic style when I hit the depth of hell.


So last night was the biggest breakdown I've had for quite a while... well a least like two months or something?
Really did some scary binging, like really 'think my heart and stomach are failing' kinda scary. And like I mentioned in the last post, I went for the horror look with regards to cutting my arms. Jesus Christ. Did my best to throw up all the food again, don't know how much I managed, but I ate so much I doubt it all came out. Just dissolved into tears and curled up in a ball under my duvet.

Oh this might have had something to do with an overdue assessment and 'I need to eat to write an essay' and 'I can't write this essay!'

Woke up the next morning and had to face a room strewn with wrappers and plates. Really, I ate ALL that?!

So here I am, writing my essay (yay!). I have to get it handed in tomorrow else I fail my whole year... which really isn't comprehensible right now...
Also tomorrow I am off to the Lake District for a weekend of walking!! (I'm so excited cos I'm just thinking about BURNING CALORIES!!!)
I'm going with the club I'm in at uni (no it's not a walking club - although one does exist! - but because it's the start of the Easter holidays and everything, this is a little 'treat' for us to get away and chill. It's all paid for so can't really complain.)
Anyway as well as some hardcore walking (I'm going with a bunch of military buff guys who love their physical training so I'm bound to get a beasting! woop!) we are bringing out our own cooks...lol I know right, good service or what. And the plan is to not eat for the whole weekend. Should be pretty easy for several reasons:
1. I find it hard to eat in front of others (I always love to be the one with control and look at everyone else with a superior air.)
2. I'm a vegetarian and the cooks and the boys are really big on their meat and I have been told that pretty much all the food is gonna be meat!
3. I can't go and buy my own food because there won't be any shops!

Oh happy, happy days. Burning calories and no food to eat! It's like ana heaven.

I intend to spend the whole weekend in dresses even though I've got to wear sexy walking boots with them. (I can't stand my figure in trousers... like I physically can't go out in public wearing trousers - I mean trousers just define the outline of my bum and thighs!! In dresses I can pretend like I don't have curves... does that make sense or am I just being overly paranoid about my figure?) I know that me wearing dresses isn't going to go down at all well... I mean the kit list says 'suitable walking trousers' haha...but hell, if I don't take any trousers with me, I can't wear them can I! Ah, the boys are gonna rip me apart for being so girly... and the instructor will probably shout at me... it happens a lot...
I am kinda worried that my friends and the instructor (who knows about my eating cos I was put into therapy and had to miss a trip a while back) will get all 'concerned' with me not eating, but then it will just be a case of 'Oh I have a really bad tummy, I just can't even look at food.' Sorted.

I'll post some pictures of the lake district when I'm back.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous3 April 2009 at 10:39

    Ophelia you are so strong. I know you can do this. You're going to burn off so much fat. All the calories you've consumed. You're going to lose so much weight in just one weekend.

    I'm doing it with you. No food. Just water.

    Haha keep wearing the dresses! You only live once may as well do something different.

    You're amazing. You inspire me.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pasco4 April 2009 at 15:46

    Your blog is so lovely. My head is full of beauty too, although it's just brief and magical glimpses of the completely unattainable.

    I only wear dresses. I tend to always be the most overdressed person for any occasion... but I think that's why it is so important to get thin. Being the overdressed thin person inspires awe, being the overdressed fat person evokes ridicule.

    May you always be the best dressed and thinnest everywhere you go!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Apple Berry12 April 2009 at 01:29

    NOpe, not at all. I pretty much always wear dresses for thie reason exactly, except for my HUGELY baggy PJ bottoms which are just like ruffling around and you can't even feel that they're on at all.

    V

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

Yes, I'm the great maintainer

So, a few days ago I declared that I was off to buy some laxatives to clear out my podgy belly. Took one. Nothing. Took two. Standard. Took three. And spent all day at work cramped over in severe pain and running to the loo every half hour. Oh my god did I curse myself. 8am to 5pm sat in an office, feeling like something inside me had collapsed. What I would give to go back to uni already and spend my days curled up under my duvet! I am sick of maintaining my weight. I'm working so hard on restricting my calorie intake and nothing is happening. Although I haven't exercised for like two weeks or something - maybe three. That's disgusting. I need to sort it out. I was a member of my gym at uni, and loved it. Now that I'm back home I can't get a gym membership anymore because my Mum believes in saving money over being healthy. She controls everything I spend and everything I do when I'm living with her. Working in an office with these long hours leaves me no time ...
13 comments
Read more

2017

I have wanted to come back for a little while. So much has happened since my last post. Work colleagues mostly, a trial run with a boy from an app. Arthur, Francis, Gregory, Vincent, Russell, Simon R. Shoes that didn't fit. There are pages about them of course, not here, but in notebooks and scribbles on my phone written on my tube commute. Some indifference, some annihilation, all part of my continual journey. In February, I met Thomas, and the turn began. We began dating in April, I was labelled his girlfriend in August, and he is the kindest man I have ever let into my life. I went to Bali in March. Like the healing of the Nile, the energy pulsed deep into my cells and blood and I have not let it go yet. The vibrations of the gong still echoing in my ears, the sunrise still glowing in my heart, the peace and tranquillity in the silent hum of those green fields... I came back with a deep, divine knowledge, that I treasure, every time I am close to forgetting. And now, I am ...
3 comments
Read more

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...
21 comments
Read more