Skip to main content

Walking heaven

Hmm sorry for the last post. I tend to go all crazy, manic, poetic style when I hit the depth of hell.


So last night was the biggest breakdown I've had for quite a while... well a least like two months or something?
Really did some scary binging, like really 'think my heart and stomach are failing' kinda scary. And like I mentioned in the last post, I went for the horror look with regards to cutting my arms. Jesus Christ. Did my best to throw up all the food again, don't know how much I managed, but I ate so much I doubt it all came out. Just dissolved into tears and curled up in a ball under my duvet.

Oh this might have had something to do with an overdue assessment and 'I need to eat to write an essay' and 'I can't write this essay!'

Woke up the next morning and had to face a room strewn with wrappers and plates. Really, I ate ALL that?!

So here I am, writing my essay (yay!). I have to get it handed in tomorrow else I fail my whole year... which really isn't comprehensible right now...
Also tomorrow I am off to the Lake District for a weekend of walking!! (I'm so excited cos I'm just thinking about BURNING CALORIES!!!)
I'm going with the club I'm in at uni (no it's not a walking club - although one does exist! - but because it's the start of the Easter holidays and everything, this is a little 'treat' for us to get away and chill. It's all paid for so can't really complain.)
Anyway as well as some hardcore walking (I'm going with a bunch of military buff guys who love their physical training so I'm bound to get a beasting! woop!) we are bringing out our own cooks...lol I know right, good service or what. And the plan is to not eat for the whole weekend. Should be pretty easy for several reasons:
1. I find it hard to eat in front of others (I always love to be the one with control and look at everyone else with a superior air.)
2. I'm a vegetarian and the cooks and the boys are really big on their meat and I have been told that pretty much all the food is gonna be meat!
3. I can't go and buy my own food because there won't be any shops!

Oh happy, happy days. Burning calories and no food to eat! It's like ana heaven.

I intend to spend the whole weekend in dresses even though I've got to wear sexy walking boots with them. (I can't stand my figure in trousers... like I physically can't go out in public wearing trousers - I mean trousers just define the outline of my bum and thighs!! In dresses I can pretend like I don't have curves... does that make sense or am I just being overly paranoid about my figure?) I know that me wearing dresses isn't going to go down at all well... I mean the kit list says 'suitable walking trousers' haha...but hell, if I don't take any trousers with me, I can't wear them can I! Ah, the boys are gonna rip me apart for being so girly... and the instructor will probably shout at me... it happens a lot...
I am kinda worried that my friends and the instructor (who knows about my eating cos I was put into therapy and had to miss a trip a while back) will get all 'concerned' with me not eating, but then it will just be a case of 'Oh I have a really bad tummy, I just can't even look at food.' Sorted.

I'll post some pictures of the lake district when I'm back.
Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous3 April 2009 at 10:39

    Ophelia you are so strong. I know you can do this. You're going to burn off so much fat. All the calories you've consumed. You're going to lose so much weight in just one weekend.

    I'm doing it with you. No food. Just water.

    Haha keep wearing the dresses! You only live once may as well do something different.

    You're amazing. You inspire me.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pasco4 April 2009 at 15:46

    Your blog is so lovely. My head is full of beauty too, although it's just brief and magical glimpses of the completely unattainable.

    I only wear dresses. I tend to always be the most overdressed person for any occasion... but I think that's why it is so important to get thin. Being the overdressed thin person inspires awe, being the overdressed fat person evokes ridicule.

    May you always be the best dressed and thinnest everywhere you go!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Apple Berry12 April 2009 at 01:29

    NOpe, not at all. I pretty much always wear dresses for thie reason exactly, except for my HUGELY baggy PJ bottoms which are just like ruffling around and you can't even feel that they're on at all.

    V

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

Fear

I do not burden myself on other people. I do not pick up my phone when I am crying my eyes out. I do not seek comfort. I do not ask for kindness. I cry on my own. I have done for years. Even when I was in a relationship, I never bothered him with it. And yet I lean on you. I come here to cry. I come here to find a shoulder. Because here, I can . I'm a wreck. I'm so petrified. I remember once, I must have been about 14, I was at school sitting, chatting to a friend during lunch, and she raised her arm suddenly and I flinched. I instinctively jerked away from her and raised my arm to cover my face. "Woah. Ophelia. Why did you flinch?" I laughed nervously. "I, er, I don't know, I, er, thought you were going to hit me." I don't flinch now. Strange, I still censor. I've blocked out pretty much all of my past. I've blocked out my childhood because it was so happy, and I've blocked out my teenage years because they were so dreadful. ...
8 comments
Read more

With all my everlasting love, Goodbye...

Well, I got the job. I spent the last three weeks living and breathing the company and the role, preparing myself completely for the onslaught of interviews. Every spare moment pouring over economics textbooks, business journals and newspapers, paperbacks and online resources. I did everything I could to get that job. I sat on the train on my journey home with my eyes closed and sent my thoughts up to the sky please let me get it, please, please I start in 4 weeks, straight after I finish at the school. Right back in the centre of the City of London. where I belong . where I can thrive, work hard and play hard back to my best whatever that best is I got the call to say I'd been offered the job in the middle of my therapy session. I was overjoyed. My therapist congratulated me. We talked about the incredible progress I had made. We talked about the end... We decided that my last session will be the week before I start my new job. The sun was shining outside, I felt invin...
21 comments
Read more

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead, I think I made you up inside my head

There are tears stinging the backs of my eyelids every time I shut my eyes to pause. This world is hurting me so much. The truth is, I'm living, I'm so very much alive, so fit, so healthy, at my peak... except I'm doing it for the spectres that haunt me and keep my blood running so cold. I am a living eating disorder. That's it. There's nothing else left in my head anymore. You know, I'd give anything, to update my facebook status to say really 'what's on my mind'. Don't you ever just want to scream at the top of your voice. "PLEASE HELP ME. Underneath this pretty blush and giddy personality I'm dying, I'm torturing myself, I'm killing myself. Please fucking help me." I've reached the stage where I can't eat anything without throwing it up. The only reason I'm not losing weight is because my initial intake is so much that I can't be getting even half the calories back up anymore. I'm 22 years old and my l...
19 comments
Read more