Skip to main content

Starving for

I hate the icky side effects of a starvation diet.
My hands are cold and clammy; the skin on my arms is dull and papery. My shoulders droop with weakness, I couldn’t lift anything at the moment. I’m just so tired.
I must apologise for not commenting/replying in the last few weeks, I've only been getting on the computer at work and am a bit paranoid about having a computer screen of ED sites. I'm finishing this week so I promise I will catch up!!

I’ve had some incredible resolve recently in order to get these sickly starvation side-effects. There's a big party at work tonight. I knew I had to starve for it. I have to look thin tonight; have to look beautiful; have to look the best; have to look perfect; have to make ‘C’ want me.

...I didn’t think he would have been invited. Then he told me on Monday morning that had been invited and was indeed coming, so I haven’t eaten since except for some cucumbers, tomatoes and apples. I’ve been pumping the laxatives as well to clear that out. It took me about 4 hours to choose what to wear last night. Every expensive dress made me look too fat in the mirror. Not good enough. Not fucking good enough. Too fat. Not perfect.
I’ve settled for a black shift dress with a pink crochet shrug and a waist clinching belt. There’s no changing it now. It’s sitting in the car waiting for me to put on when work ends at 5pm. Please God, make the reflection be kind to me this evening when I put it on, please let me see thin arms and legs, please let my flat stomach be flattered.
Jesus Christ if I look shit later I’m not gonna be able to hold it in.
I need to look perfect.
My head can’t take it.
I’m so scared.
I’m gonna crack.
I’m not gonna crack.
I’m too strong. I’ve worked too hard.
I want this too much.

‘C’ is gonna be there. This could be the last time I ever see him.
Fuck.
I killed myself these whole last two weeks while he’s been up in the same office as me in order to look perfect.
And I’ve never been so complimented in my life about the way I look.
But nothing from him.
I don’t accept nothing. I don’t except failure.
I have got to nail it tonight.
For all I know he’s gonna turn up with a fucking girlfriend, then I’d laugh. All this psychotic behavior for nothing.
But even if he walks away from me without a word I want to make a lasting impression. I want him to think one thing: ‘Wow’.

So you think I’m a self-interested, self-obsessed bitch who wants people to admire her and wants the world at her feet.
Yeah, I am.
But if you hate me for it, be happy in the knowledge that my life is miserable and empty as a result and I have nothing. Nothing. Cos it’s just a dream.

‘‘You’re almost too thin’’.
Fuck you.
God I wanted to scream!
I took it as an insult to my intelligence not a compliment.
Talks with concerned ‘father figures’ that I don’t eat properly/enough. Heard it all before, know how to deceive you all without blinking. Waste of time dear.

I went for a killer run last night. Pushed myself further than ever and it felt simply amazing.
Imagine the high tonight after the makeup and the dress and the hair is all done. I will look perfect. Oh please, please, I have to… I know I will break down if I look bad…

My happiness is held in a mirror at 6pm tonight.
And somehow...I already know I'm not gonna look good enough for him,
for them,
for me.
For ever.


EDIT: Commenters, I love you. You're right, I'm absolutely gonna be the thinnest there, turn heads and relish in it!! Positive thinking Ophelia!! xxx
Labels:

Comments

  1. Geist Bites8 July 2009 at 13:56

    When does the the 'lonely teenage girl' demographic turn into the 'post-Norwegian Wood existential-romantic' thing?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pasco8 July 2009 at 13:57

    Oh darling heart, I just read through all the weeks of your posts I've missed since I've been away. Just about every word of every post resonated with me. It's too much now for me to even remember what I was thinking about replying with. Just that I completely understand all of it. And your mother is horrible. My own mother scalds me with thinly failed vindictiveness, but most of it is just confusion between wanting the best for me and being jealous of me. And I know deep down that she loves me. I don't know how you cope. But I'm sending you all my love and I hope you leave a beautiful and lasting impression at the party

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Miss Burton8 July 2009 at 14:37

    honey ... you'll look perfect.
    Everytime i read your blog all i can think of is perfect. So why souldn't you be.
    So C's the only one who never gave you a compliment? Sounds like he's not doing so because you're too impressive. Ever thought of that? I know he's going to like you and the way you look tonight. Make the party a stunner. Be the ball princess. Cinderella-style.
    Furthermore i dont think it's ignorant ... I am myself like this. I want people to want me. I need it and if I don't get the attention I deserve (or want) I feel horrible. Heads have to turn if i enter a room. Believe me, I've been there. I know what it feels like. And even though that's a bit mean ... that's like one of the main reasons why I never want to be friends with stunning girls. Or dont want Steffi my best mate to lose weight. Things like that.
    I think it's just the way we are and there's nothing wrong with that. I even think that if we turned out to be that way - we kind of deserve it. Because we have to fight.
    But you're so much stronger than I am.

    I posted some comments for you on my blog, too :) before i read this post. check it out.
    and have a good time!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stick Thin8 July 2009 at 15:33

    Why have I not known about your blog? I love it


    You are going to amaze everyone tonight. You are strong, you deserve it

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous8 July 2009 at 15:45

    I love your blog as well. :)

    I'm gonna follow. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. See8 July 2009 at 16:48

    ophelia, you'll be beautiful.
    you are beautiful.
    you will turn heads at that party, I have no idea who you are and yet, I know it.
    and you will be good enough, you are good enough.
    don't worry about 'C'. I'm sure he will not be able to leave you without a compliment tonight, I know it. x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous9 July 2009 at 05:57

    good luck! i know you're going to stun everyone at the party. i wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thinny Minny9 July 2009 at 09:31

    there's nothing wrong with being vain :)

    good luck at the party!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Plum Girl9 July 2009 at 20:22

    Let us know how it goes, love!!!
    I'm rooting for you!
    ♥

    ReplyDelete
  10. Savory Sweet10 July 2009 at 20:53

    You are beautiful and better than everyone you know, I'm almost positive of this.

    I'm so proud of you for your achievement with your diploma 2:1!!! Good for you, keep blowing everyone away with your strength :)

    All my love and support, dear!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous11 July 2009 at 10:51

    Oh, Ophelia!

    I just found your blog and have been reading through. You are so strong! I can imagine that you are beautiful. You are my hero! My heart leaps for you with your mother; her behavior is wretched. Thankfully you're smart and confident enough to see past her comments and know how motivated and resilient you truly are. Keep at it, you'll be off to school before too long anyway. I am anxious to hear how your evening went! All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Unknown12 July 2009 at 20:08

    It will result in perfection

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead, I think I made you up inside my head

There are tears stinging the backs of my eyelids every time I shut my eyes to pause. This world is hurting me so much. The truth is, I'm living, I'm so very much alive, so fit, so healthy, at my peak... except I'm doing it for the spectres that haunt me and keep my blood running so cold. I am a living eating disorder. That's it. There's nothing else left in my head anymore. You know, I'd give anything, to update my facebook status to say really 'what's on my mind'. Don't you ever just want to scream at the top of your voice. "PLEASE HELP ME. Underneath this pretty blush and giddy personality I'm dying, I'm torturing myself, I'm killing myself. Please fucking help me." I've reached the stage where I can't eat anything without throwing it up. The only reason I'm not losing weight is because my initial intake is so much that I can't be getting even half the calories back up anymore. I'm 22 years old and my l...
19 comments
Read more

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...
21 comments
Read more

'I'm glad the rain is coming down hard. It is how I feel. I love you so.'

I know my posts are starting to become really sporadic. I apologise. I'm trying to live... trying to be busy... perhaps I'm trying to run Anyway. "I regret to inform you that the Medical Board has decided, having reviewed your medical history ....you do not meet the medical entry standards." I got turned away from two careers this week. The first I had to have an interview with a doctor. The second I had to have an interview with a psychiatrist. I couldn't lie my way out. I tried. I have to thank Mia. I have to thank my body. No one wants to employ someone with a 'history' of mental illness. Even though I lied and told them I was cured now. It's still there. It will always be a black mark by my name, no matter how I try to put a gloss on it. It's still a blip on my character. It says I'm unstable. It says I'm weak. It says unemployable . Anorexics are turned down because: "It is impossible to predict the 20% of sufferers who m...
17 comments
Read more