I've been in Malaysia for the last week and am in Bangkok and Singapore for another week.
This is the first time I've had internet here in my hotel in Bangkok... even now, posting this I feel like a stranger to my blog, to this world...
I've been trying to restrict but it's been impossible.
I feel so ... lost ...
I've been visiting my mum's family (regular readers will know she's one of the tiny, doll-like, asian breed).
It's all so hard and confusing... this head.
But I haven't binged since I've been here (because all my food has been served up/chosen for me, and I haven't thrown up because I haven't had a single moment of privacy. (Even as I write this my Mum is lying on the bed behind me).
I guess it's ok out here, no one really knows me. My family members here will become forgotten and alien again to me when I fly back to my life on the other side of the world.
And yet when I do go back home, I know it will be worse than before.
I'm so afraid now.
So afraid of starting law school, and knowing that all my insecurities are going to become unbearable again, at the highest they can be, in a new place, with new people, who I'll be desperate to impress, desperate to be thinnest, prettiest, best. I can't take it. And I can't make it. I haven't made it.
It's just this horror all over again. Hating having to walk out of the door, hating having to walk into class. Looking. So. Horrible.
There's another world out there.
I love you guys. I want Ana to take me home.
* * *
EDIT: My Mum fell asleep so I binged on about 20 dried prunes covered in some thick, sticky sugary substance, three little parcels of Dodol (seriously sticky stuff) and three mini moon cakes (Chinese cakes). When I threw up some of the thin white noodles I ate for lunch (about 9 hours ago) came up - that's some seriously indigestible pasta.
(And now I'm sitting locked in the toilet writing this... what the hell!)
So, I made it 10 days in total without a binge and purge before I cracked. Longest time since... last year?!
Anyway, sorry for the depressing tirade above. I think I feel a terrible tummy bug coming on (all this Thai food... thought that place today looked a bit dodgy...) "I feel so ill I simply couldn't eat a bite Mum."
Stay skinny my loves!
x x x
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