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the other side of the world

I've been in Malaysia for the last week and am in Bangkok and Singapore for another week.
This is the first time I've had internet here in my hotel in Bangkok... even now, posting this I feel like a stranger to my blog, to this world...
I've been trying to restrict but it's been impossible.
I feel so ... lost ...
I've been visiting my mum's family (regular readers will know she's one of the tiny, doll-like, asian breed).

It's all so hard and confusing... this head.

But I haven't binged since I've been here (because all my food has been served up/chosen for me, and I haven't thrown up because I haven't had a single moment of privacy. (Even as I write this my Mum is lying on the bed behind me).

I guess it's ok out here, no one really knows me. My family members here will become forgotten and alien again to me when I fly back to my life on the other side of the world.

And yet when I do go back home, I know it will be worse than before.
I'm so afraid now.
So afraid of starting law school, and knowing that all my insecurities are going to become unbearable again, at the highest they can be, in a new place, with new people, who I'll be desperate to impress, desperate to be thinnest, prettiest, best. I can't take it. And I can't make it. I haven't made it.
It's just this horror all over again. Hating having to walk out of the door, hating having to walk into class. Looking. So. Horrible.

There's another world out there.
I love you guys. I want Ana to take me home.


* * *


EDIT: My Mum fell asleep so I binged on about 20 dried prunes covered in some thick, sticky sugary substance, three little parcels of Dodol (seriously sticky stuff) and three mini moon cakes (Chinese cakes). When I threw up some of the thin white noodles I ate for lunch (about 9 hours ago) came up - that's some seriously indigestible pasta.
(And now I'm sitting locked in the toilet writing this... what the hell!)
So, I made it 10 days in total without a binge and purge before I cracked. Longest time since... last year?!

Anyway, sorry for the depressing tirade above. I think I feel a terrible tummy bug coming on (all this Thai food... thought that place today looked a bit dodgy...) "I feel so ill I simply couldn't eat a bite Mum."
Yay!

Stay skinny my loves!
x x x

Comments

  1. Ana's Girl14 September 2009 at 17:39

    Wow. You're traveling all over. I've never been able to travel anywhere. I must admit, i'm a bit jealous...I'm sorry you're feeling so afraid and depressed though. Feel better soon, hunny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. See14 September 2009 at 21:38

    your so lucky to be traveling. I would love to get away from where I am for a while, cheer up, don't feel like this, it's horrible and I totally understand you, I hope you feel alot better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pasco15 September 2009 at 03:33

    xxx!

    Don't feel bad about having a whinge! It's a huge part of what our blogs are for. And it means we can attempt to come to your rescue! I think the best thing you can do is muster up as much false positivity as you can for the start of law school. See it as a new start. Plan it out a bit. Think of your own personal branding and start to establish yourself. And it doesn't mean "faking it". Truly think about who you WANT to be and start BEING it. Nobody can possibly know who you were before, so the slate is clean and you really can be anything :).

    And hey, maybe eat something dodgy from a Bangkok street stall.It won't kill you, but might give you some nasty diarrhoea, and nothing says weight loss like GASTRO! OK, my advice is possibly not medically sound... but... well... you know how it is!

    Pasco, here for you as always! x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Emily15 September 2009 at 05:17

    Hey Ophelia, just found your blog a little while ago. I agree, you are very fortunate to travel. I have never left my country, never been on a plane, never been very far from my home state. I'm too poor. Try not to be depressed, think about being the skinniest lawyergirl you can be! Good luck, think thin thoughts!

    <3 Emily

    ReplyDelete
  5. Unknown15 September 2009 at 19:11

    I hope your travels are fun!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. ChelseaBaby16 September 2009 at 21:53

    You're doing so good believe it or not. You didnt binge and purge for 10 days! That's amazing :)


    Im definetly envious of you.

    Think thin deary! <3
    Ana will help you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Del18 September 2009 at 21:32

    Wow I wish I could travel that far! Lucky duck (:
    And I'm sorry about your binge and purge, but 10 days is a long time so that's good!

    Stay strong (:

    ReplyDelete
  8. Blue Butterfly19 September 2009 at 13:47

    Hey Ophelia,

    Thai food is delicious, but the curries are hell on a diet because of their high coconut milk content so avoid them if you can! However, fresh coconut juice is low cal and refreshing in the heat. Best of all, they're really cheap! The last time I went to Bangkok, one coconut was only 5 bahts and they're easily available everywhere. (:

    ReplyDelete
  9. IJJ21 September 2009 at 15:05

    I agree with ChelseaBaby - think thin!

    I travel all over the world quite often too, and I find it's hardest to restrict in Europe and South America, due to the decadent foods and wines.

    Portion control and tasting is key.

    Good luck!

    xJax

    WeWannaBeThinAgain.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sheela26 September 2009 at 05:27

    love your writing :)
    im from singapore and miss home a lot!

    ReplyDelete

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