Vicarious sensation

Little sparks of happiness...
from an ashen grey wreckage...
my world...
Yes there are bright little sparks sometimes which jolt sensation back into my fingertips.

When I finally found the courage to go back to law school this week after over a week of hiding away, I felt foolish.
It was fabulous to be back.
Fabulous because I was just normal. I just forgot about my eating.
I chatted and laughed, saw my friends again, felt emotion again and wasn’t alone anymore.

I don’t have to be alone and miserable. Behind the fastened doors of my silent home is an incredibly vibrant world. Living. Every time I need to get somewhere in the City of London, I walk. Just to fall in love with the spirited streets, the structures, the history, the visions, the pulse. Breathtaking. But I admire the sights on my own – because I prefer it that way.

I was 17 when, as a heart-broken teenager waiting for him to text me back, I fell in love with the City.
I stepped off the train at 09:30 and disappeared.
It was so liberating.
The best thing about London is that you can never fit in, you can never stand out, you can never exist in a crowd.

I have always been alone – so much so, that my loneliness is a comfort. When I feel upset, I have never desired to be with friends or be cheered up. I would hate it. I crave to be alone. I always do everything and go everywhere on my own. I always have done. I’ve never needed or wanted a friend or companion. If you wanted to put a spin on it, I guess you would call me independent and self-reliant. If you wanted to be cruel, I guess you would call me a loner.

But I can still act when I need to. And you’d think I was the most bubbly, social diva in the room.
I wouldn’t say I’m happier on my own necessarily, but I certainly feel safer. The world is so threatening. I have so much fear… of other people – and what they think of me. On my own I don’t have to put on makeup, or do my hair, or get dressed even. I can just exist. No threats, no fear, no feelings – good or bad.

I’ve started reading Anna Karenina – I can’t believe I’ve never read it before – it’s so beautiful.
I need escapism
because I need beauty
– and I find so little in my real life.
Although I am now studying to be a lawyer, I did my degree in English Literature for a very good reason: I love it.
“Aesthetic enthusiasm. Perception of beauty in the external world, or, on the other hand, in words and their right arrangement. Pleasure in the impact of one sound on another, in the firmness of good prose or the rhythm of a good story. Desire to share an experience which one feels is valuable and ought not to be missed.”
I love getting lost in the world of beautiful women, tortured, in love – being in the presence of epic, tragic heroines, caught in surging poetry and flowing narrative.

Living vicariously. That’s what I have always done, ever since I was a little girl. I read obsessively to escape. Nothing makes me happier.
And old movies…I watched Hitchcock's Rebecca last night. I adore old movies; where men all have chiselled jaw lines and strong features, and all the women are so immaculate and graceful. The Golden Era; The Beautiful World…
...My head is so full of it.
If you took it away from me, I’d never survive.

I’ve been patchy and frustrated this week.
My body is craving exercise, and I’ve been stuck at home this weekend (like every weekend) – with my mum – and with food.
It’s simply unbearable. Just my fat body sitting here in this room, all weekend, being fed.
I’ve finally found a gym in London that I can afford – so I’m joining on Monday and intend to go at every spare moment – every weekday hopefully as I can’t get away from this house on weekends. I’ve been missing my gym at university so much. I go running and do toning exercises still, but it’s not the same. I miss the days where I would run until the counter told me I had burnt 800 calories, feel the blood burning in my toned arms and run my hands across my alabaster thighs. Yes. I need to get back to that. Endorphins.
I’m joining first thing on Monday. I can’t wait. I need my body to love me again. I need to get high on treadmills and swimming pools. Such happiness, such bliss, my body will love me.

Also I’m ready for a water fast. Starting intensive workouts and a fast is probably not a wise combo… but, I think I can manage it for…six days. That’s enough to let my body heal and detox - enough to make it love me again. Then I’ll get back on some fruit and veg.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. We all know she misquoted it a bit, but we sure as hell all know she’s right.

I live for sensation.