Sunday, 29 November 2009

"...I want a perfect body; I want a perfect soul."

I've been wanting to write for days now.
But it's all been quite depressing.
And everything I wanted to write about... has somehow disappeared from my head...
All I know is that I feel quite dead.

This week is going to be hell.
Quite simply, full on, full throttle, burning hell.

Ok. I've got to submit my first assessment next Monday - one week away. Ok. That's ok, you know, it's ok. A week is ages. I used to knock out essays in a day at uni. I know my topic, I know what I have to do, I just have to do it. And I will. Fuck the rest of the shit in my life.
I WANT TO BE TOP OF MY CLASS IN EVERY SINGLE ASSESSMENT.
Perhaps more than anything I want to prove a point. Ask any member of my class who the least intelligent person is and I guarantee every single one would say me (yes I know I have an inferiority complex/paranoia anyway but I still think they genuinely believe this.) And I know it's my fault that they and my tutors all probably think this - because of the way I act/talk/look. (None of the girls in my class wear any makeup - well ONE wears eyeliner - and I always make a massive effort to look my best, even though it's a conscious effort to look casual and studenty...arghhh jeans).
Anyway. At school I used to be top of my class in every subject, from art to science, and I damn well know there is no reason why I should not be top of my class in law school. In fact I SHOULD be top of my class. (and I cannot believe I am here on this blog when I should be studying!! kick me.)

But that has nothing to do with why this week is going to be hell, really, aside from the fact that I need to be spending every second working on that essay. Basically. I am fucking H-U-G-E right now. All weekend, all I have done is eat and throw up shitloads of bread. over, and over, and over... I am puffed up like a balloon and my tummy sticks out three miles. I look like a serious fat person. So... so... gym every day and no food. Fuck everything. I cannot eat. I will not ruin EVERYTHING. But on Tuesday I have an assessment day/training for a part time job as a waitress. AND I NEED THIS JOB. If I don't get it... well... failure... is not something I can handle - at all. And I've got to go in a white shirt and black trousers - basically two items of clothing I simply cannot wear without tearing at myself in the mirror - so I need to be thin - and I'm not thin - but I need to look great - because I need to be confident - because I must get this job - and, oh my god, I'm so frightened. I simply cannot fail. I'll rip myself to shreds if I do... I know I cannot control myself.
That aside I've also been organising a ball which is taking place this friday. Money and budget and setting up has all gone to shit and well, I really don't have the time or the sanity to be dealing with it. But I must. Not to mention that that's the whole of Friday and Saturday where I can't work on my precious essay. FUCK. And I'll still be fat having to host everyone and smile and fit in. I mean really, just my idea of HELL.
(Not to mention that it's my college christmas party thing this Wednesday - I bought a ticket, but there's no way I'm going now - because the rest of the week is stressful enough without me spending 6 hours trying (and failing) to find a dress that does not make me look fat, then trying to make myself look pretty, then getting drunk and binging till I collapse because some guy wasn't there/I couldn't fit in/my friends left me/ I break down like a lunatic.)

I can't believe I'm so fat.

This hell is all my fault.

To top it off all the depressing thoughts/suicidal daydreams have been coming back. But I know I won't die, I'll just suffer and be humiliated for being so disgusting.

But I may as well try. Laxatives, No food. Treadmill, bike, crosstrainer and resistance machines everyday. I guarantee God won't let it kill me, I bet I don't even faint.
I must torture myself all day tomorrow to deflate the tummy by Tuesday. It will be done.
And then burn/starve off as much as I can by Friday so I'm not a laughing stock.
And work on my essay at every spare moment.
Fuck everything, fuck everyone. I will fix this.

I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS

11 comments:

  1. Me too.

    Sounds like we both have a lot of fixing to do. I have a mountain of cupcakes and doughnuts expanding my insides and my defeatist attitude has just compounded the problem. The only thing to do now is fess up and just fucking WORK LIKE HELL on fixing it.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. God, we're totally on the same page lately...
    Chin up dear and good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my darling Ophelia, I feel for you...

    Do it this week. Starve as much of the weight off as you can so you can look as thin and beautiful as possible on Friday. But whatever you do don't binge at the weekend. Do anything you can to stop yourself. Then next week, really seriously, we both need to get back to restricting again.

    Remember how good you felt when you were eating the same thing as you were when you were 15? You were so happy in those posts because the weight was dropping off and you were still eating. You were getting thinner! Remember your university dinner? You'd done it. You'd won fair and square. You looked fabulous!

    It hurts me when you write about how you're huge and puffed up like a balloon, with a swollen tummy. I hate watching it happen to you. And yet, I've done the exact same thing to myself. But when I hear you say it... It horrifies me. Terrifies me. This shouldn't be happening. God Ophelia it's awful! We have to stop. This binge eating thing, it's wrecking our whole lives! We can't eat any of that crap. We have to stop. We have to stop!

    We could both be so perfectly thin, beautiful and happy. If we just gave up the food. Those binges... those few moments of freedom and release.

    It's not worth it. It's really really really not worth it. Picture the most gorgeous, skinny girl you know. Would she do it? Would she eat any of that? No.

    I can't let this happen anymore. I can't physically sit back and let either of us destroy ourselves any longer.

    Don't eat anything that isn't healthy 100% or so much as look at anything processed or refined. Think of her. That stunning girl, all limbs and flowing hair. The ethereal beauty. Fragile and wispy. Waifish. An airy goddess. The splitting image of perfection. BEAUTY.

    Do not eat ANYTHING she wouldn't eat. Does she have an eating disorder? No. Everything's in perfect order. Berries for breakfast and simple salads. Vegetable juice... Maybe half a brown breaded sandwich... with some kind of healthy filling. Chicken maybe and lots of leafy salad vegetables. And tomatoes...

    Lol sorry. What was I saying again? You know what I mean. She doesn't eat and when she does she eats perfectly. All the good stuff. And she doesn't care if she has to skip the odd meal. She won't die! Just think to yourself: you deserve the best. And let only the best pass your lips.

    That ice-cream? Sugary cereal? Refined carbs and white bread?? Disgusting. Why would you even THINK of eating that?? That's not food. That's crap. That's not going to give my body what it wants. That is going to make me fat.


    Stay strong and keep going. Push through this week and just try to get rid of the bulges for Friday. Next week, think of her. And that's how we'll live the rest of our lives. Healthy and happy. No disorder.

    ORDER.

    I hope the interview goes well. White shirt and black trousers = my idea of hell. Just try to be confident. Sell yourself. Even if you don't believe what you're really saying...

    You can do this. I know you can. I have total faith in you! =D

    x x x

    ReplyDelete
  4. ahh everything sounds so busy right now! I really hope you can figure it all out, look amazing for the interview, get that assesment sorted and be top of the class!
    I know you can do it!
    x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey now, i like it that you're posting instead of studying. It seems you're pushing yourself and stressing a little bit too much. I'm sure no one thinks you're the least intelligent. Hell, you made it to law school, that's a huge achievement in itself. Take a breath, slow it down, try to relax, even if just for a little while. You'll feel better. You'll be ok, love.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my goodness, reading your posts is like reading my own! Thanks for posting. I just found this blog but I will continue to read. Wishing you strength little lady!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Have you seen Dandelion Girl's (glitter in the wind) idea for December? You should check it out. Lovely idea, I think.

    http://glitterinthewind.blogspot.com/2009/12/reply-for-present-and-support-thinnies.html

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good luck, Ophelia, it sounds like you have so much on your plate! I will be fasting this week thinking of you, we can beat the tummy bloat by Friday!!! Stay strong!!!

    xoxo

    Emily

    ReplyDelete
  9. You're back, it's good to hear from you once again. You say your huge, but trust me, i am probably the worst, the biggest, the fattest human being on earth right now. i can't even write on my blog 'cos i feel like such a hypocrite. now that ur back.. and ur posts are back... i guess i have something to rely on haha.. u'll be fine in ur white and black waitress outfit. i'm sure u'll look great. my friends wanted to take a photo last night at a bar we went to, and i refused... my face is just so fat and round and pudgy. ah.... FML, damn it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I start writing a blog about my life with my eating
    disorder and my addiction to fashion. I really need readers,
    because in my real life I had no listeners. Alone, yes I was
    always alone with my thoughts, in those days I didn't care about it.
    Untill I discovered the blogs and learnt how good it can feel to have
    readers. Readers, which share the same intress and have the same
    feelings after a shitty snack attack.

    Plz, visit me:
    beautiful-lunacy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)