Sunday, 8 November 2009

Winning

A narrative of the last few days…

So Friday was the big day. I went back to my university town for the Annual Dinner Night of my old society. All present members and all alumni – all my best friends, all my old lovers, and the place that made and broke my reputation.

Thursday: all I ate all day were two sweets.
And I only ate them because M offered them to me on two separate occasions in the library.
(M – the law school guy I can’t stop myself from being besotted with.)
I was convinced that I looked terrible that day so I hid in the library at law school during our break. I hadn’t seen M all week, but that day, I left my desk for two minutes and returned to find he had sat himself two seats away. I was mortified and pretended not to see him… although from that point on I found it impossible to concentrate on my books…
He spoke to me first, and obviously when he offered me a sweet I couldn’t say no for fear of looking weird / seeming rude.

Anyway, straight after my day at college was over I went rushing round Oxford Street in search of a new dress for the dinner the following day. I chose a beautiful blue silk dress in a Grecian style – it was absolutely stunning – and I couldn’t believe how much weight I had lost. Despite not eating anything all day I was absolutely buzzing and full of energy. It felt glorious, so empty, no sense of hunger, so triumphant – no I wasn’t all bones yet, but I was getting there.

Friday: still not hungry.
I didn’t eat again all day and couldn’t help but smile at my obviously baggy jeans. (I had previously thought my thighs were immune to weight loss!) Obviously once I was at the dinner I had to eat the meal, but it wasn’t too bad calorie wise. (Although I probably had about twice as much calories in wine and alcohol).
And I can’t believe I’m going to say this, I can’t believe it, but, I looked great! I actually liked what I saw in the mirror. I made everyone sit up and look.
The words were on their lips: Ophelia won.
And I knew it,
I had won.
Not one single guy in that room was good enough for me. It was no longer the other way round. I no longer felt like a fat, horrible piece of shit. I was out of their league. And they fucking knew it.

Of course this was just towards the lowlife guys and bitchy girls that had always belittled me. The best thing about the night was being with my genuine, old friends again. It was so nice to leave behind the pressures of my friendships at law school where I have to be so fake.

The number of calories I consumed that evening was probably about the same as the total calories I had eaten in the last three weeks. Which is scary and terrible… but, it’s done. Now I must focus on losing more weight and looking even better for this life in London. The people at uni saw I won. I can close that chapter triumphantly. Now I have more important challenges ahead of me to win.

I spent so long trying to find happiness. I know I’ve said it over and over, but I spent three years at uni longing to be beautiful and thin. I was never ugly compared to the other girls and I was never fat according to statistics, but I knew I could be better. I tortured myself with bulimia because I couldn’t and wouldn’t give up that dream. I had to wait a long time, but now, finally I have had the strength to go back to ana.

Honestly, I don’t care what all these people preach. It’s all lies.
They say being thin doesn’t make you happy. IT DOES.
They say restricting and fasting doesn’t work. IT DOES.
I haven’t been so happy in a long, long time. I’m full of energy and vitality. I feel confident and I know I look better. Eating food makes me unhappy, filling my body with horrible, unhealthy things, makes me unhappy.

I have an eating disorder. But I’m not ill and I’m not going to die: I’m just going to get the happiness I deserve.
So never let go of that dream, never let go of that belief that you deserve better, that you can be everything you want to be. Yes, you have to work hard and no, it’s not easy. There are times when I feel so cold and so hungry and it is shit. It really is shit. Half the posts on this blog are testament to how terrible it can be.
But putting on that beautiful dress, walking into that room, knowing that you look the best you have ever done… it’s the most incredible feeling in the world, and it’s priceless.
I don’t kid myself, my BMI is still in the 20s. I can still lose so much more weight and I can still look so much better. I know it’s gonna be hard, but it’s so worth it. I want to walk into EVERY room, EVERY day, in ANY state of dress and have that feeling.

18 comments:

  1. thank you so much. i needed this.

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  2. ooo i bet the looks on there faces were great
    a very inspiration post :)
    fasting and restricting doesnt work? bet nobody whos tried it has ever said that

    xx

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  3. Awesome job!!! I am sure it felt to great to know that all the hard work you put in paid off, to have everyone jealous of you and how you look. I'm so happy for you!!

    xo

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  4. I pray one day I am writing a post like this one. Aww..to be beautiful and thin and feel it, know it and know others know it too!

    Me too-ultimately, I want the same as your last sentence. Thanx for this post and reminding me there is a purpose to this pandemonium!

    XO

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  5. you are my thinspiration. it is so great to finally read about someone who has made it far enough to find some sort of happyness.just knowing that it is possible will push me even harder .stay strong beautiful woman.

    meg

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  6. u motivate me so much. thanks ophelia. hope all goes well with mark... he sounds like he's interested in getting to know u from ur posts.. keep us updated.

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  7. THANKS FOR THIS POST, A GREAT REMINDER OF WHAT WE ARE ALL AFTER...

    STAY STRONG, XXOO

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  8. such an inspirational post,
    I'm so glad your feeling good,
    I too have a party to go to in two weeks,
    I'm going to work hard,
    I'm so happy for you,
    hold on to this feeling! x

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  9. ophelia, wonderful, beautiful ophelia! congratulations on everything. you deserve to be happy. you deserve the boy. you deserve it all. thank you for this amazing, inspirational post!

    bella
    http://bellasdreaminginred.blogspot.com/

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  10. This post was g r e at !! So much motivation for all of us :D I agree with you in everything! You deserve being happy and yep,opheilia won! *sprays it on a wall in glitterng letters *

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  11. Wow Ophelia, everybody has already said it, but this was a very inspirational post and I thank you for that.

    You gave me motivation and I really needed it.
    Good luck!

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  12. Loved reading this and I'm sure you loved living it!

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  13. Very motivating!...You're an excellent writer, Ophelia, I really enjoy reading your posts.

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  14. just anyone, please i need help. i just binged and purged again. i wish i were u ophelia. i dunno why i can't control myself. what else do u think of when ur mind keeps on thinking of food? i guess u dont worry about that now, but i just need any, any sort of help......

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  15. This post is amazing.. I'm in awe.
    It's wonderful to hear that someone
    finally has a success story to tell!

    Stay on that winning streak!

    Taylor

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  16. Absolutely.Inspiring.Post.

    What a rush! I applaud you darling.

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  17. Oh how wonderful for you! Look how all that hard work has paid off! This post was absolutely thinspiring. I hope I'm posting something like this one day. Congrats on being so fabulous!!

    xo

    Emily

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  18. That feeling should be a physical object that one might bottle and sell or set framed on a mantle to admire. :)

    Though that might make it too easily obtainable, thus less rewarding....

    Nonetheless, you got your reward, and I'm so so happy for you and your amazing day! :) Keep posting, every time you get to stun a room or even just yourself or a single other person, it's so wonderful to read!!

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