A narrative of the last few days…
So Friday was the big day. I went back to my university town for the Annual Dinner Night of my old society. All present members and all alumni – all my best friends, all my old lovers, and the place that made and broke my reputation.
Thursday: all I ate all day were two sweets.
And I only ate them because M offered them to me on two separate occasions in the library.
(M – the law school guy I can’t stop myself from being besotted with.)
I was convinced that I looked terrible that day so I hid in the library at law school during our break. I hadn’t seen M all week, but that day, I left my desk for two minutes and returned to find he had sat himself two seats away. I was mortified and pretended not to see him… although from that point on I found it impossible to concentrate on my books…
He spoke to me first, and obviously when he offered me a sweet I couldn’t say no for fear of looking weird / seeming rude.
Anyway, straight after my day at college was over I went rushing round Oxford Street in search of a new dress for the dinner the following day. I chose a beautiful blue silk dress in a Grecian style – it was absolutely stunning – and I couldn’t believe how much weight I had lost. Despite not eating anything all day I was absolutely buzzing and full of energy. It felt glorious, so empty, no sense of hunger, so triumphant – no I wasn’t all bones yet, but I was getting there.
Friday: still not hungry.
I didn’t eat again all day and couldn’t help but smile at my obviously baggy jeans. (I had previously thought my thighs were immune to weight loss!) Obviously once I was at the dinner I had to eat the meal, but it wasn’t too bad calorie wise. (Although I probably had about twice as much calories in wine and alcohol).
And I can’t believe I’m going to say this, I can’t believe it, but, I looked great! I actually liked what I saw in the mirror. I made everyone sit up and look.
The words were on their lips: Ophelia won.
And I knew it,
I had won.
Not one single guy in that room was good enough for me. It was no longer the other way round. I no longer felt like a fat, horrible piece of shit. I was out of their league. And they fucking knew it.
Of course this was just towards the lowlife guys and bitchy girls that had always belittled me. The best thing about the night was being with my genuine, old friends again. It was so nice to leave behind the pressures of my friendships at law school where I have to be so fake.
The number of calories I consumed that evening was probably about the same as the total calories I had eaten in the last three weeks. Which is scary and terrible… but, it’s done. Now I must focus on losing more weight and looking even better for this life in London. The people at uni saw I won. I can close that chapter triumphantly. Now I have more important challenges ahead of me to win.
I spent so long trying to find happiness. I know I’ve said it over and over, but I spent three years at uni longing to be beautiful and thin. I was never ugly compared to the other girls and I was never fat according to statistics, but I knew I could be better. I tortured myself with bulimia because I couldn’t and wouldn’t give up that dream. I had to wait a long time, but now, finally I have had the strength to go back to ana.
Honestly, I don’t care what all these people preach. It’s all lies.
They say being thin doesn’t make you happy. IT DOES.
They say restricting and fasting doesn’t work. IT DOES.
I haven’t been so happy in a long, long time. I’m full of energy and vitality. I feel confident and I know I look better. Eating food makes me unhappy, filling my body with horrible, unhealthy things, makes me unhappy.
I have an eating disorder. But I’m not ill and I’m not going to die: I’m just going to get the happiness I deserve.
So never let go of that dream, never let go of that belief that you deserve better, that you can be everything you want to be. Yes, you have to work hard and no, it’s not easy. There are times when I feel so cold and so hungry and it is shit. It really is shit. Half the posts on this blog are testament to how terrible it can be.
But putting on that beautiful dress, walking into that room, knowing that you look the best you have ever done… it’s the most incredible feeling in the world, and it’s priceless.
I don’t kid myself, my BMI is still in the 20s. I can still lose so much more weight and I can still look so much better. I know it’s gonna be hard, but it’s so worth it. I want to walk into EVERY room, EVERY day, in ANY state of dress and have that feeling.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago