Monday, 14 December 2009

Gaps

I think this has been the longest I have been away.
Or it feels like the longest...
A combination of event planning, essays, job - and an overwhelming sediment of stagnant weight - are my excuses for abandoning you all - and I am aware that they should not be excuses. I haven't posted, I haven't read, I haven't commented and I haven't replied - but I will do better, so please forgive me.

In my last post I told you that I was being interviewed for a waitressing job - and I did indeed get the job - much to my joy and relief. I've done a couple of shifts so far and apart from my first night when I broke about 20 glasses and dropped cream cheese down a guest's jacket, it's been ok. The only downside is the food... every night the waiting staff get to eat all the leftovers - and there's a lot of leftovers, and it's all ridiculously incredible.
I have never found it so hard to resist food.
I'm not talking the urge you get for a midnight bread binge... I'm talking staving, having been working on your feet for the past four hours, and then presented with mouth-watering first class food - for free. So I eat. And it tastes so good. Seriously good.
I don't even turn my nose up at it or torture myself about eating it. It's that good.

So I need to sort it out.

In other news the ball I was running for 'The Club' was a massive success, and it feels so great to have it out of the way. It gave me no end of stress in the run up, but in the end everything went perfectly and felt so proud at pulling off something so big on my own.
I also met some guys at the ball who caught my eye. One in particular - D. Well, I say I met him at the ball, but I actually sort of knew him before, I just wasn't really aware of it and didn't really care... We are part of the same 'Club' and he added me on facebook about a month ago, but I didn't really think much or it, or really know who he was... I get a few friend requests from people there who seem to know me as I have a quite prominent position.
So anyway, I sort of recognised him when he came to speak to me at the ball, but then had the embarrassment of asking his name... and then denied that he was my facebook friend when he told me that he was... so, as you can imagine, that looked really good.
So been messaging him a bit since, and who knows...

I really should be writing so much more than this... my last two weeks have been so eventful...
but I should be focusing on my studies, should be focusing on books, law, tutorials, lectures... and I can't...
something is missing in me... the passion has been put out... except the passion in my anger - I keep losing my temper so horrifically, the knife has been back out, the tears have been impossible to hold in...
I think it's just stress more than anything - and an inability to control my food. I haven't even been trying, just eating, throwing up, slashing my arms and sitting in my room thinking.
The only thing with starving is that it doesn't hurt enough. I need pain. If starving felt as good as self harm I'd be a pile of bones... but there's not enough sensation in it. When I lose my temper and want to punish myself I cut or I shovel food inside me and throw up. I need to find some other outlet for my emotions that's not food or scars.... something that won't make me fatter and something that isn't visible to others...

I don't seem to have a future right now, although it's all I dream of.
and food fills the hole
but I hate food.
More than anything
more than the gaping gap in my chest.

I'm very aware that there's only one way out now.



in the mean time, I'd like to introduce you to one of the sweetest girls on the network: Flabby-J

3 comments:

  1. well done on getting the job, and on the sucsess of the night! but you sound a bit emotionally everywhere :( I really hope you feel a bit better soon, find a new hobby that you really enjoy, art? music? writing or just reading? and try to really get into that instead of taking your anger out on yourself, I hope your okay x

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  2. to mention me.. that's real sweet of you, i appreciate it lots. but then, i wish everything was going great for u too. u got into a prominent law school, meaning, the waitress job will only become easier. and i bet u look thin in the white shirt/black bottom u mentioned :) and i wish i had a solution for u other than self-harm or eating, but i'm also having the same problem... but i wish u my best, stay strong ophelia!

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  3. "If starving felt as good as self harm i'd be a pile of bones." Right on, sister! Right on.

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