What was it that made me this way?
I was talking to my ex boyfriend and he asked me if I still drew.
I'd forgotten that I used to draw.
I was talented at it. Like I was at all the arts I suppose.... drawing, poetry, music....
at least I still write.
And only when he brought it up again did it strike me - how dead I am now - how mechanical - how sober - how cold... like so much around me.
My creativity has been so slowly smothered by this heartless world that I didn't even notice it dying. And now I'm left standing in the middle of a choking expanse of city - just a plain face to be networked by soulless bellies full of money.
If I ever make it as a lawyer I will be dead. I won't be Ophelia anymore.
Do you understand?
I'd be one of them. The Unfeeling. Superficial Unfeeling. PLASTIC. A corporate mould of perfected plainness.
I don't WANT to be like that for the sake of being normal.
This is me: emotional, passionate, wild, untamed, full of pain and heart and insanity. But FULL.
And yet, I want it, because I must succeed.
And like this I am a terrible failure. A head full of beauty cannot earn a living. A head full of economics and theory can. I must block out all the beauty to survive - because it is taking over everything... I cannot concentrate on anything but calories and mirrors and images and dreams.
But this is who I am.
I'm so afraid of losing what makes me me.
But if I did, I would be normal
...and happy?
You see, perhaps I am happier being disordered - as that is how Nature/God has made me. To be normal - would be a torturous, dulling and numbing experience for my personality - surely?
So, I need to go back to this guy - "D" - because it's really hurting my head.
I need to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
I need to know whether I'm going to be true to myself - crazy, adrenaline-junkie, passionate, emotional Ophelia - or try and convert myself into the another girl - focused, steady, sensible.
Why is D important to me?
1. I need to feel emotion - I need someone to focus my affections on
2. I need excitement and a project to fuel this
3. I need male attention to make me feel good about myself
4. I need a method to assess my success/failure as a beautiful woman
5. I need motivation to lose weight.
Now, in trying to be sensible I have tried to convince myself that all the above reasons are stupid. I need to leave "the club", I need to focus on my law studies, nothing will come of my relationship with D anyway, and it's all a waste of time that will end up with me getting hurt. ALL TRUE. I know this.
However, I am not a sensible, rational, level-headed girl. I NEED all those five things I listed. And that's why I need to keep D as a goal.
It is just not an option to forget about him and carry on with my life.
I. Can't. Do. It.
And still, I hate myself... for being so crazy.
It would be so easy to forget the whole idea - I'd simply not get in contact with him again, not go to his place and basically not see him ever again. But, every time I contemplate the idea - it becomes acceptable for me to eat again. "It doesn't matter how fat I am now... I'm not going to see D"
I can't let that happen. I can't let it be ok for me to be fat.
Even though... I should be revising for my mock exams in two weeks... it is more important that I am starving and plotting how to perfect my visit to him.
!
Urgh.
In other news, I went to the hospital today.
I was visiting two of my elderly neighbours who are both there at the moment.
It really struck me, for the first time, how healthy I am. I mean, forget about the eating disorder and the fucked-up head; PHYSICALLY, I am in such good shape. Pretty much peak for a female non-professional-athlete. I was standing in the middle of the ward, surrounded by frail bodies - limbs devoid of muscle, skin drained of vibrancy - and I could feel my health and strength vibrating from me as I stood, tall and easy. It was the first time that I felt aware of my body as a positive being. It was the first time I didn't hate it, and I realised just how lucky I am to have a fit and healthy body.
It's such a shame that I am so determined to destroy it all.
But I can't be someone else. My craft is written in my soul.
I was talking to my ex boyfriend and he asked me if I still drew.
I'd forgotten that I used to draw.
I was talented at it. Like I was at all the arts I suppose.... drawing, poetry, music....
at least I still write.
And only when he brought it up again did it strike me - how dead I am now - how mechanical - how sober - how cold... like so much around me.
My creativity has been so slowly smothered by this heartless world that I didn't even notice it dying. And now I'm left standing in the middle of a choking expanse of city - just a plain face to be networked by soulless bellies full of money.
If I ever make it as a lawyer I will be dead. I won't be Ophelia anymore.
Do you understand?
I'd be one of them. The Unfeeling. Superficial Unfeeling. PLASTIC. A corporate mould of perfected plainness.
I don't WANT to be like that for the sake of being normal.
This is me: emotional, passionate, wild, untamed, full of pain and heart and insanity. But FULL.
And yet, I want it, because I must succeed.
And like this I am a terrible failure. A head full of beauty cannot earn a living. A head full of economics and theory can. I must block out all the beauty to survive - because it is taking over everything... I cannot concentrate on anything but calories and mirrors and images and dreams.
But this is who I am.
I'm so afraid of losing what makes me me.
But if I did, I would be normal
...and happy?
You see, perhaps I am happier being disordered - as that is how Nature/God has made me. To be normal - would be a torturous, dulling and numbing experience for my personality - surely?
So, I need to go back to this guy - "D" - because it's really hurting my head.
I need to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
I need to know whether I'm going to be true to myself - crazy, adrenaline-junkie, passionate, emotional Ophelia - or try and convert myself into the another girl - focused, steady, sensible.
Why is D important to me?
1. I need to feel emotion - I need someone to focus my affections on
2. I need excitement and a project to fuel this
3. I need male attention to make me feel good about myself
4. I need a method to assess my success/failure as a beautiful woman
5. I need motivation to lose weight.
Now, in trying to be sensible I have tried to convince myself that all the above reasons are stupid. I need to leave "the club", I need to focus on my law studies, nothing will come of my relationship with D anyway, and it's all a waste of time that will end up with me getting hurt. ALL TRUE. I know this.
However, I am not a sensible, rational, level-headed girl. I NEED all those five things I listed. And that's why I need to keep D as a goal.
It is just not an option to forget about him and carry on with my life.
I. Can't. Do. It.
And still, I hate myself... for being so crazy.
It would be so easy to forget the whole idea - I'd simply not get in contact with him again, not go to his place and basically not see him ever again. But, every time I contemplate the idea - it becomes acceptable for me to eat again. "It doesn't matter how fat I am now... I'm not going to see D"
I can't let that happen. I can't let it be ok for me to be fat.
Even though... I should be revising for my mock exams in two weeks... it is more important that I am starving and plotting how to perfect my visit to him.
!
Urgh.
In other news, I went to the hospital today.
I was visiting two of my elderly neighbours who are both there at the moment.
It really struck me, for the first time, how healthy I am. I mean, forget about the eating disorder and the fucked-up head; PHYSICALLY, I am in such good shape. Pretty much peak for a female non-professional-athlete. I was standing in the middle of the ward, surrounded by frail bodies - limbs devoid of muscle, skin drained of vibrancy - and I could feel my health and strength vibrating from me as I stood, tall and easy. It was the first time that I felt aware of my body as a positive being. It was the first time I didn't hate it, and I realised just how lucky I am to have a fit and healthy body.
It's such a shame that I am so determined to destroy it all.
But I can't be someone else. My craft is written in my soul.
Oh, men...
ReplyDeleteGood luck, darling.
I understand how you feel about "D". That's how I feel right now with my bf. If he's out of my life, I will have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. So good luck to you. (:
ReplyDeleteI feel like I really connect with you, and how your disorder relates to your art. I am a painter and found a lot of solace in my art... a topic i plan to blog more about. I think you might find my blog interesting too based on your last post. Let me know what you think. xoxo -Kate
ReplyDeletehttp://proanaquest.blogspot.com/
heyy,
ReplyDeleteyou should start drawing again. just in small doses when you have time. I like to draz too but recently i have stopped because of things pilling up. but if you find yourself small pockets if time, give it a go.
good luck
Creative
xxx
Don't give up the person who is you. Don't give her up for anything in this whole wide world; she's far more precious than success.
ReplyDeleteI adore your writing. I totally understand the art thing too...I'm not an art student because I feel like I'm supposed to be a succesful corporate like you were talking about...but I HATE that idea so much. But at the same time I need it? argh. I had an office job for 2 years and I never got used to it...I can't imagine living in that world for the rest of my life. I also understand the boy-emotions. God, I understand you on so many levels. Would you read my blog? It would mean so much. Good luck girl,
ReplyDelete~Kaye
Princey, I amn't. That was a case of cybersilliness, or getting overly involved in a pseudonym. Feel free to continue referring to me so, but I find my 'past blogging life' cringeworthy.
ReplyDeleteYou won't die if you don't become a lawyer, you'll actually be a proper person! What sort of law do you want to go int? Will you defend me in the increasingly likely event of a libel case?
Happy Silvester.
trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com (just in case you forget).
Please, remember that your success can't mean anything if you can't put you soul into it--without losing it. You put your soul into art and make it stronger, because you shared; if you put you soul into something that makes you a "success" but also unhappy, you lose yourself, you know that. Don't lose yourself for the unworthy world, it deserves nothing from you!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can make some straight paths in your head from all the beauty there, and I hope that they lead you someplace you want to be. Happy New Year! :)
Ophelia..
ReplyDeletelol I read your first paragraph and had to push that follow button.. ;)
&good luck with the BF, let us know how it goes..
May your 2010 be filled to the brim with skinny x
I just want to say that I absolutely love the way you write. I had to click the follow button as well :) Hang in there
ReplyDelete