Monday, 28 December 2009

"That I essentially am not in madness, But mad in craft..."

What was it that made me this way?


I was talking to my ex boyfriend and he asked me if I still drew.
I'd forgotten that I used to draw.
I was talented at it. Like I was at all the arts I suppose.... drawing, poetry, music....
at least I still write.
And only when he brought it up again did it strike me - how dead I am now - how mechanical - how sober - how cold... like so much around me.
My creativity has been so slowly smothered by this heartless world that I didn't even notice it dying. And now I'm left standing in the middle of a choking expanse of city - just a plain face to be networked by soulless bellies full of money.


If I ever make it as a lawyer I will be dead. I won't be Ophelia anymore.
Do you understand?
I'd be one of them. The Unfeeling. Superficial Unfeeling. PLASTIC. A corporate mould of perfected plainness.
I don't WANT to be like that for the sake of being normal.
This is me: emotional, passionate, wild, untamed, full of pain and heart and insanity. But FULL.


And yet, I want it, because I must succeed.
And like this I am a terrible failure. A head full of beauty cannot earn a living. A head full of economics and theory can. I must block out all the beauty to survive - because it is taking over everything... I cannot concentrate on anything but calories and mirrors and images and dreams.
But this is who I am.
I'm so afraid of losing what makes me me.
But if I did, I would be normal
...and happy?

You see, perhaps I am happier being disordered - as that is how Nature/God has made me. To be normal - would be a torturous, dulling and numbing experience for my personality - surely?



So, I need to go back to this guy - "D" - because it's really hurting my head.
I need to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
I need to know whether I'm going to be true to myself - crazy, adrenaline-junkie, passionate, emotional Ophelia - or try and convert myself into the another girl - focused, steady, sensible.
Why is D important to me?
1. I need to feel emotion - I need someone to focus my affections on
2. I need excitement and a project to fuel this
3. I need male attention to make me feel good about myself
4. I need a method to assess my success/failure as a beautiful woman
5. I need motivation to lose weight.

Now, in trying to be sensible I have tried to convince myself that all the above reasons are stupid. I need to leave "the club", I need to focus on my law studies, nothing will come of my relationship with D anyway, and it's all a waste of time that will end up with me getting hurt. ALL TRUE. I know this.
However, I am not a sensible, rational, level-headed girl. I NEED all those five things I listed. And that's why I need to keep D as a goal.
It is just not an option to forget about him and carry on with my life.
I. Can't. Do. It.

And still, I hate myself... for being so crazy.

It would be so easy to forget the whole idea - I'd simply not get in contact with him again, not go to his place and basically not see him ever again. But, every time I contemplate the idea - it becomes acceptable for me to eat again. "It doesn't matter how fat I am now... I'm not going to see D"
I can't let that happen. I can't let it be ok for me to be fat.
Even though... I should be revising for my mock exams in two weeks... it is more important that I am starving and plotting how to perfect my visit to him.
!
Urgh.




In other news, I went to the hospital today.
I was visiting two of my elderly neighbours who are both there at the moment.
It really struck me, for the first time, how healthy I am. I mean, forget about the eating disorder and the fucked-up head; PHYSICALLY, I am in such good shape. Pretty much peak for a female non-professional-athlete. I was standing in the middle of the ward, surrounded by frail bodies - limbs devoid of muscle, skin drained of vibrancy - and I could feel my health and strength vibrating from me as I stood, tall and easy. It was the first time that I felt aware of my body as a positive being. It was the first time I didn't hate it, and I realised just how lucky I am to have a fit and healthy body.

It's such a shame that I am so determined to destroy it all.
But I can't be someone else. My craft is written in my soul.





10 comments:

  1. I understand how you feel about "D". That's how I feel right now with my bf. If he's out of my life, I will have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. So good luck to you. (:

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  2. I feel like I really connect with you, and how your disorder relates to your art. I am a painter and found a lot of solace in my art... a topic i plan to blog more about. I think you might find my blog interesting too based on your last post. Let me know what you think. xoxo -Kate
    http://proanaquest.blogspot.com/

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  3. heyy,

    you should start drawing again. just in small doses when you have time. I like to draz too but recently i have stopped because of things pilling up. but if you find yourself small pockets if time, give it a go.

    good luck
    Creative
    xxx

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  4. Don't give up the person who is you. Don't give her up for anything in this whole wide world; she's far more precious than success.

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  5. I adore your writing. I totally understand the art thing too...I'm not an art student because I feel like I'm supposed to be a succesful corporate like you were talking about...but I HATE that idea so much. But at the same time I need it? argh. I had an office job for 2 years and I never got used to it...I can't imagine living in that world for the rest of my life. I also understand the boy-emotions. God, I understand you on so many levels. Would you read my blog? It would mean so much. Good luck girl,

    ~Kaye

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  6. Princey, I amn't. That was a case of cybersilliness, or getting overly involved in a pseudonym. Feel free to continue referring to me so, but I find my 'past blogging life' cringeworthy.

    You won't die if you don't become a lawyer, you'll actually be a proper person! What sort of law do you want to go int? Will you defend me in the increasingly likely event of a libel case?

    Happy Silvester.

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com (just in case you forget).

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  7. Please, remember that your success can't mean anything if you can't put you soul into it--without losing it. You put your soul into art and make it stronger, because you shared; if you put you soul into something that makes you a "success" but also unhappy, you lose yourself, you know that. Don't lose yourself for the unworthy world, it deserves nothing from you!

    I hope you can make some straight paths in your head from all the beauty there, and I hope that they lead you someplace you want to be. Happy New Year! :)

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  8. Ophelia..
    lol I read your first paragraph and had to push that follow button.. ;)
    &good luck with the BF, let us know how it goes..
    May your 2010 be filled to the brim with skinny x

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  9. I just want to say that I absolutely love the way you write. I had to click the follow button as well :) Hang in there

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)