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I've been drifting in and out of consciousness for the past two or three weeks -
Consciousness between this world and that, between London and heaven, between then and now...
My name is Ophelia
... sometimes
Sometimes I'm drowning, sometimes I'm soaring, sometimes I'm so alive I can't feel anything except the pulse rushing through my head, sometimes I'm so dead I need a knife to make me bleed.
On Thursday I was 'happy' and 'normal'.
I was SO happy and normal.
I went to law school, made it in for the 9am lecture start, sat between two of my girlfriends, giggled though the whole day with them, went out with my tutor group for drinks and a meal at the end of the day, laughed, chatted incessantly and finally took the first footprints in the thick, fresh snow as I wandered home in the early hours with a sweet smile on my face.
And then I shut the door, and I'm drowning again, until the next time...

* * *

His name is "D".
Yes - another male name which will feature in this blog.
I make no apologies. If I fall, I fall - even if it happens too often and too easily.
D is the guy I mentioned in the last post.
...I didn't think it would get to this.
...I had almost cut my ties with ''the club''.

For months in 'The Club' I avoided all men - and the week I announce I'm leaving, I fall, and now I think I'm going to stay. Shit. [I will refer to this club as 'the club' for my identity's sake]
Ok so as I said before in the last post, he knew who I was, he added me on facebook, I accepted simply because we had mutual friends and it was clear he was a member of 'the club', even though I'd never knowingly met him. So he talks to me at the ball and offers to help me out with something, and I have to ask who the fuck he is and then am embarrassed to find out that really, I should know as I accepted him on facebook. ANYWAY all that aside, me thinking he might like me, and me starving for male attention more than any other nourishment, I decided to pursue it, just for some kicks, maybe more... so I message him on facebook... and the messages run back and forth a little... and it seems that there may be something there... he seems keen to see me again at 'the club'... he sends me his number... and we progress to texts... and it seems even more likely... he invites me to an event the club is holding...
And so now I really like him. Basically. You know how I get obsessed? Yeah, obsessed.
But now I can't quit the club. He's offered to help me out with something related to the club and more importantly, he's invited me to go to his house to do it. (Fuck! We've only had one really short conversation face to face which was at the ball two weeks ago!)
So why was I so happy and motivated on Thursday? He'd sent that text the night before: ''I can give you a hand... if you like... you could come here''
But it means I can't quit 'the club'. Shit, shit, shit.
So now I'm obsessed with this guy and can't escape this club which is soaking up valuable time which should be spent on law studies!
And I can't even go to his house until the new year because he's away for Christmas.
So I'm just left here stewing.

HOWEVER. As I have said before, having a mission to get a certain guy is the absolute best motivation for losing weight. Skinny, skinny, SKINNY! I have to be skinny when I go to his house. Oh my God, I am going to ring his doorbell and knock him dead. I am going to be the hottest thing he has ever opened the door to. I am going to look the best I have ever done; the best I know I can be.
Well, the best I can be in two weeks.
And fuck the fact that it's Christmas and I'm supposed to get fat.
Fuck the fact that the last three Christmas's I ballooned with an extra stone of weight.
Fuck all the food my mum has stuffed the kitchen full of, all the shit that is going be lining the plates and stomachs of the nation this holiday season is not going anywhere near my sacred mouth.
I'm going to be the only person losing weight.
And as God is my witness, I sure as hell can do it.
This is my addictive game - and my God I love playing it: Get the guy. Be thin. Be beautiful. Be irresistible. W-I-N.
I will drown for him. And in two weeks, when I reach the bottom, I will go to him with hungry lips and my head held high.

It is impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle.
Let the battle commence...
Ophelia v Christmas


  1. Please be merry. Don't make me make you.

  2. I'm having that problem with people at the moment. Any tiny piece of attention I get terribly attached. I'm currently painfully in love with my best friend and he has no fucking idea.
    You're not alone hun *cuddle*
    You can, you can, you can be skinny ^-^

  3. OH, i said the exact same thing to myself earlier.
    "I don't give a flying fuck if it's christmas,
    I don't care that this is now based on greed and people eating and getting fat.
    fuck this. I will do what I like, when I like.
    and if I want to lose weight at christmas, I sure as hell will".
    I'm glad you've met someone you like, be careful though :) I hope your okay x

  4. Ophelia v Christmas

    Lol I love it! I’ll be battling right there with you. Having a mission to get a certain guy is definitely the best motivation for losing weight! Stay strong and you’ll be super skinny in no time. You will STUN him when he opens that door...

    This has been a crazy journey. And it has been together. Can you believe it’s almost been a year? It’s been a long time... And you’re right, it’s been long enough.

    Progression is possible.

    What would happen if we just stopped? If we just let go of all that food... If we just managed to successfully stick to a... better... diet. One that wasn’t contaminated by processed food.

    We have to stop putting disgusting foods in our body. Break the cycle. We can’t keep doing it. It’s making us so unhappy. We could both be so thin, beautiful, perfect, HAPPY if we just learnt to master our emotions. I remember you once saying that you won’t ever be successful if you let your emotions rule you.

    Well, this is it. You're right. We can't let our emotions rule us. I’m not saying we have to become cold, hard, stony bitches. I’m just saying that... we need to be stronger. And listen to our heads. Listen to that head full of beauty. Is it acceptable to scoff your face with bread and cereal and then throw it up in a toilet? No. It’s beautiful to eat half a sandwich and not finish it because, well, you’re just already full.

    We can do this. I know we can do this. We WILL do this.

    Seven stone remember? The ultimate goal. Perfection in numbers.

    Don't lose sight. I'm always losing sight... Stay strong and keep going. You're my inspiration.

    Prove that it's possible.

    Everything will be OK. It always works out in the end.

    Stay positive!

    mwah x x x

  5. heya, omg, i'm int eh exact same situation. i have 2 weeks to get sexyed up for this guy i really like. i get too obsessed with guys very easily and he said he maybe liked me a little and that just threw me off track and i cant stop thinking about him :l
    so yeah, i wish you all the luck. your blog is a true motivation hunni. :)

  6. Yes! You can do it. Just think, all the other women in the world will have gained their Christmas weight, and you'll have lost just as much as they've gained so you'll look extra hot to him! Stay strong, get the man.


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