Wednesday, 24 February 2010

My mum has found everything.
Posts from this blog, comments I kept, the long assessment letters from the doctors.
She knows everything.

She went through all my personal things. And read everything.

I could cope before.

No more

how can I possibly carry on? I wish I could find an end. everything is broken. nothing can be fixed. I've ruined my whole life

I have nothing left

I am so afraid - and so alone - and so empty


  1. I hope that she will understand by reading all your very personal stuff that it was partly her that made you sick! exactly by this behaivor pattern! god, i feel sosososo sorry. I hope she realizes what she has done. I hope you know that nothing she does or says can truly touch and offend you, when you just don't let it!Don't give her the power to hurt you!

  2. PS:SHE is not your life. i know what situation you are in because i have lost both of my parents, but still it is YOUR life.YOU control it.YOU live it and noone else. you will get a grant or a loan and you can live in halls again which is much better than living with someone like that. I will be difficult for a while but you are so strong, you will make it!Ansd at some stage you will able to have a relationship with her again. But basede on free will and not on the sick dependency premises she has build to keep you by her side.

  3. That is really rough.. Damn. Hang in there, keep trying to cope. Don't give up.

  4. Oh how violating that must feel. {{{HUGS}}}

  5. please dont give up. your not alone, no matter how terrible she is or how bad things get we will still be here for you.i know how hard this must be, since my mom is also a complete asshole but try to hang in there. we all need you too. your sooo strong! dont let her change that!
    stay strong

  6. oh my god. that is unbelievable! i have had all my secrets discovered at one time too!
    just hang in there. you can't live with her forever!!

  7. i am not proana but this is disgusting. Get out of there, live your life, make your own choices. you are old enough. you are not a child anymore and you shouldn t be treated like one no matter your lifestyle.

  8. it may feel like nothing can be fixed, but there is a way - you'll figure it out

    it is your life & it is up to you to make what you want of it

  9. I hate the feeling of them knowing, them finding out. The guilt, the anger.... more guilt, more anger. Shame. Anger. And of course the eevr wonderful feeling of violation and over exposure.
    My mum found my old blog.
    Printed it out.
    Showed my Aunty, showed my phsycologist.
    Showed Two of her friends, including one of my best friends mum's.
    And keeps it in in her bed side table.
    Fuckity Fuck Fuck,
    for you, and one and all.

  10. omg, i'm so, so, so sorry to hear that ur mom found out about everything.. its ur private life (even though she's ur mom) i feel like she should have respected it...

    i don't know what to say, i don't want to say anything insincere. but please, please don't go away. i need u and a lot of other girls here do too. what are we going to do if you are not here anymore. please stay strong. please feel better. please continue ur blog and keep motivating others. tell us ur stories... even if u feel like everything is broken, there will be people here for you, looking after you. i know me saying this won't cheer you up, but please do try. for you and for others. much love. /xo

  11. Oh Nooooo! :' (((((
    I'm so so so sorry, I can't believe she did that to you. Everything is not lost though! You are an amazing person who's intelligent, kind, and I have no doubt in my mind that you are just as beautiful as your posts.
    We love you here. Everything WILL get better.
    Please feel better and I know you will work it all out <33333 *hugs*

  12. Oh, sweetheart, i'm so sorry. I know how horrid that can feel, the awful feeling that everything you wanted to keep private has just been invaded. I promise it gets better though. *hugs* Hang in there.

  13. OPHELIA DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP. Don't you dare say you can't carry on. You can. You have to. You don't have any other choice.

    Oh my God. You know when you came back from... where was it? Was it Paris? And you said she was angry with you, as if she knew something? She called you sick and messed up. You don't think she knew then...? I had a horrible feeling...

    Are you sure she only recently found out? You don't think she had her suspicions a long long time ago?

    I can't believe she went through your stuff. She had no right to do that. If my mother did that... I'd flippin kill her. My friend went to school this one day and came back to find her mum had gone through all her stuff and found out she'd gone on the pill. This girl had hidden it in a pair of socks! How the fuck did her mother find that?

    It's so unfair how people can just do that.

    This is bad. This is really bad. But you CAN'T let this hurt you anymore than it already has. You have not ruined your whole life. Promise me you won't do anything stupid.

    So what? She knows you're bulimic and she knows you wrote about it and some people encouraged you to find a way out. What can she do?

    NOTHING. All she can and will do as your mother is get you help.


    Please tell me she's on your side... Because if she isn't... I'm sorry. I can't believe she's doing this to you. Do not let her shout and scream at you and tell you how worthless you are. You are NOT worthless Ophelia. You're everything.


    If it gets really bad pack your bags and you can come and stay with me.

    I love you so much. Don't give up.

    Holly x x x

  14. I'm not sure what I can write that doesn't sound insincere or hysterical but what your mom did to you was a complete violation of any sort of trust. You're an adult. You have a life and no matter what she says or does she can't take those away from you. there are lots of people out here who totally empathise with you and can admire what you've achieved and love you for who you are here on your blog. please don't give up.
    i don't know what to say but please stay strong, the world is full of obnoxious, cruel people, even when they're the people who are meant to love us the most.
    stay strong
    Daisy xoxo

  15. This is so interesting. Read:

    There is a great deal of scientific evidence that being in love does strange things to the brain.

    According to MRI scans, infatuated love activates the same brain circuits as obsession, mania and intoxication.
    One study found that the areas of the brain activated by the notorious 'feelgood' drug cocaine were the same ones that became active when lovers were shown photographs of their partners.

    People in love have high levels of PEA, a natural amphetamine found in chocolate.

    It may be what helps fuel the sudden ability to go without sleep if up all night with your lover.

    When people talk about the pain of a broken heart, they are being more literal than you might think. Rejection activates the same brain circuits as physical pain.

    In fact, being in love rewires the brain. One of the chemicals released when we are in love is oxytocin. It appears to melt old neural connections so that changes in the brain can take place.

    This makes it easier to replace feelings of love for an old amour with ones for a new partner.

    There may be a real scientific reason behind our need for male attention! Being in "love" makes us feel good. Ha who knew?

    Just thought it might interest you. Here's the whole article... (don't ask me how I came across it!!)

    Anyway. I hope you're OK. Please be OK...

    lots of love

    Holly x x x

  16. You aren't alone! Just look at this community of friends you have right here! Don't you agree?

  17. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I definitely am, because I've had this done to me as well concerning my eating disorder.

    But even if you are an adult.. she is still your mother. And just think about how devastating one little piece of information that your daughter is continuing with an eating disorder can be. I compare EDs to suicide, I seriously do. Because, well, you know how some EDs turn out to be, even if unintentionally. And if it were a decision for a mother to just find out and then just, let it go.. that is inhumane. It's like she's saying it's okay to let you die, hun.

    I know this wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear, haha. But, think it over. Try not to give your mother too hard of a time.. as impossible as I know it can be!

    I wish you the best of luck.

    And sweets, you have not ruined your life. Don't LET it ruin your life! As said, you are still an adult and still have control over this situation.

    By the way, Ophelia is the most beautiful name I've ever heard of.


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