Skip to main content

The price of power

All the power I have comes from the mirror: it comes from seeing fresh, clear skin, big brown all-absorbing eyes, soft dark hair and plump pink lips. From toned legs, a trim waist and slim arms - my power comes from my confidence; my power comes from the way I look.
It's a lie, when people say it's what's inside that counts. But we all know this. We all know that's a load of crap. The world is powered by superficiality.

As a woman, being beautiful is more important than anything. Period. And I don't mean fake hair-extensioned, plastic beauty, I mean REAL beauty.
I mean that naturally glossy smile, that healthy twinkle in the eyes, skin that glows and a body that's lean and fit: with charisma that sparkles.
You see, when a woman has all these things, she can command anyone - any man, even any woman.

I don't have Real Beauty.
But sometimes, with a great deal of effort, I can come pretty close. The experiences I have in this state are simply ethereal.
I can wrap people around my little finger. I can charm them completely. I can manipulate them. I can win.

I remember, as a teenager, I used to look in awe at those girls: the stunning ones, the ones that everybody loved. I knew even then, that the key to their power was not simply in the way they looked, but in their charisma. The combination of the two makes for a force that cannot be reckoned with. That charisma, I'm sure, came from their confidence - because they knew they looked amazing - because they knew they were better than the rest of the girls - they knew they were superior.
I didn't have it.
I've always wanted it.
I'm getting so close now.

When I stand in front of the mirror I can see the bumps of my hips bones. I can pinch fewer inches around my belly. I can outrun half the guys my age. When I do my hair and makeup, I'm starting to feel it... the charisma and charm, the sparkle in the eyes... the power.
I'm starting to believe in myself. At 'The Club', nobody knows any different. Nobody sees anyone other than a confident, bubbly, life-loving, pretty girl. For the first time; I can play that girl.

But is it making me happy? I'm throwing my whole life away for this.
I spend three hours in the gym. I have to go. I skip classes at law school. I keep skipping classes. Don't eat. Laxatives. Mirror, mirror, this dress, that dress, no that dress... out tonight, he's there and he's there, will get drunk, will flirt and flirt, will act like I'm the hottest girl in the room.

Will come home empty-hearted.


Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous23 February 2010 at 18:37

    I know that feeling of basing by identity on appearance and attention from guys. You drink, you laugh, you feel good. It's a high. But yes, it does lead to empty nights in the end. You have to believe that you are ok just being you. That you are worthy of attention and love just for being you and not what you look like or the guys you attract. It's so, so hard to find that place but I hope you can.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown23 February 2010 at 20:13

    I definately can relate. I hate feeling this way

    ReplyDelete
  3. See23 February 2010 at 20:43

    your right, it's not whats inside that counts.
    thats complete bullshit.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous24 February 2010 at 03:56

    Yep, as sad as that is, it seems to be true. "Inner beauty" is total shit. Nobody cares to meet you unless you're gorgeous. Then, compassion and happy can work. Before, you're a walking doormat.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holly24 February 2010 at 12:08

    You're right. Beauty, health and confidence is more important than anything else. That will bring you true happiness.

    I know the feeling... when you start to see the fat melting away and hipbones, cheekbones, collarbones all coming through... It's such a rush. It just spurs you on. You know you're doing the right thing. It's working.

    You have to stay strong. You have to keep going. We can do this. We're already doing this. Don't give up.

    lots of love

    Holly x x x

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnaBullshit24 February 2010 at 18:20

    beautiful post! You so captured that feeling of everything just being cyclic and unending. It's such a scary thought when you're in it, but the thought of getting out of it is even more scary. I suppose it's a trade-off, we sell our souls and in return we get to experience a life of beauty and power. Then we die young. is there another option?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead, I think I made you up inside my head

There are tears stinging the backs of my eyelids every time I shut my eyes to pause. This world is hurting me so much. The truth is, I'm living, I'm so very much alive, so fit, so healthy, at my peak... except I'm doing it for the spectres that haunt me and keep my blood running so cold. I am a living eating disorder. That's it. There's nothing else left in my head anymore. You know, I'd give anything, to update my facebook status to say really 'what's on my mind'. Don't you ever just want to scream at the top of your voice. "PLEASE HELP ME. Underneath this pretty blush and giddy personality I'm dying, I'm torturing myself, I'm killing myself. Please fucking help me." I've reached the stage where I can't eat anything without throwing it up. The only reason I'm not losing weight is because my initial intake is so much that I can't be getting even half the calories back up anymore. I'm 22 years old and my l...
19 comments
Read more

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...
21 comments
Read more

'I'm glad the rain is coming down hard. It is how I feel. I love you so.'

I know my posts are starting to become really sporadic. I apologise. I'm trying to live... trying to be busy... perhaps I'm trying to run Anyway. "I regret to inform you that the Medical Board has decided, having reviewed your medical history ....you do not meet the medical entry standards." I got turned away from two careers this week. The first I had to have an interview with a doctor. The second I had to have an interview with a psychiatrist. I couldn't lie my way out. I tried. I have to thank Mia. I have to thank my body. No one wants to employ someone with a 'history' of mental illness. Even though I lied and told them I was cured now. It's still there. It will always be a black mark by my name, no matter how I try to put a gloss on it. It's still a blip on my character. It says I'm unstable. It says I'm weak. It says unemployable . Anorexics are turned down because: "It is impossible to predict the 20% of sufferers who m...
17 comments
Read more