This blog is my crazy space.
It is the only place in the world, where I can be crazy. - Or rather, it is the one place in the world where I can talk, uncensored, about my crazy behaviour in the real world.
Sometimes - as with the story I am about to tell - some people see my crazy behaviour - but you guys get the full picture.
I suppose, what I'm saying is that this blog is not just about my eating disorder. It's about the terrible insecurities in my head, the reckless behaviour and the irrationality that comes from my mental instability - All the things that have created my eating disorder and which are also borne from my eating disorder - Body dysmorphic disorder, need for male attention, shopping addiction, obsessions, reckless drunkeness... the list of abnormalities goes on.
Now, 'The Club'.
I've mentioned it in posts before, but feel I should explain it better for the purpose of this story.
I was a member of 'The Club' at my university in another part of the country, and when I moved back to London to study law, I decided to continue my membership and join the London Club.
There is a hierarchy in 'The Club' - after three years you get a position of responsibility in running the Club, based on how good you are. In my three years with the Club at university, I reached a pretty high role. It was hard when I first came to the Club in London, being the new girl and slotting right into the tight-knit 'third year' group. I got a lot of talk behind my back - almost none of the girls acknowledged me. It was so hard, being new and having such an important position.
So I went for the first few months pretty much friendless - I was organising the ball, that was my role, nothing more, so I didn't socialise with them and didn't attempt to make friends. I realise that was my own fault, but it was all so hard already because I knew they were prejudiced against me from the start.
So at the ball in early December- I was forced to socialise - obviously, I had to be there because I was running it. And that's where I met D.
D was the first person to talk to me as a friend. It meant even more that he was a 'third year' with a higher role in the Club than me. He was falling over himself to help me out with anything. So sweet, so kind, not to mention reasonably good looking - so of course I fell for him. The rest is history, as the last few posts will tell.
That night, I also met Rowan and Hugh - other 'third year' boys with top positions.
Rowan is the spitting image of James, the boy I fell for in my second year of uni. Exactly the same, inside and out - clean cut, good looking, oozing irresistable rich boy charm and a self-professed slut. So of course, I was attracted to him. And a part of me wishes I had slept with him at the ball - because, believe it or not, I had the chance that night.
And Hugh - Rowan's arch enemy. Well I've never mentioned Hugh before, because I didn't see the point. He is the fittest guy in 'The Club'. I met him the morning of the ball. He was helping to set up. I asked him something. He leant down close to me and asked me to repeat what I said. I swooned. Literally swooned. And stuttered " - err- the tape... er... have you f-finished??"
Yes, he was so tall, so stunning and so ridiculously out of my league that I struggled to hold my nerve in his presence. Obviously, you know what happened with D since the ball, but with regards to Rowan and Hugh, I have spoken to them briefly once or twice since, nothing interesting or exciting.
Until last night.
There was a bit of party going on. I was there. Made myself look my best, of course, for D... still hoping and holding out for D. And D just smiles at me shyly when we pass each other by. Twice. Before I can get drunk enough to find him alone, he's gone.
I felt my heart sinking. Again, D, again.
...But then Hugh steps in.
The fact that he talks to me once is enough to make me die.
Then he finds me again and talks to me more
and some more
alone in the corner of the room
alone on the roof
alone outside in the corridor
alone to another room
Shit. What?!
On several occasions we were interrupted by gangs of people in 'third year'. They kept warning me off him. "Ophelia... you know that's Hugh... Don't do it. Don't do it."
Poor Hugh. No one in 'third year' likes him. I learnt this from the day of the ball, and have been hearing it since. Some of them are appalling to him. I know he talks a lot and can seem big-headed and over-enthusiastic perhaps, but he has a good heart. He loves 'The Club'. I suppose in a lot of ways, he's an outsider of 'third year' like me. We're both not really accepted.
Somehow I was dragged away. And found myself with Rowan.
Oh God, how did I let this happen.
We starting flirting, outrageously. He had his arm around my waist. But I wanted it. I could see Hugh out the corner of my eye, watching us. I knew it. Rowan knew it. The arch enemies were both competing for my attention.
In the end, Hugh solved my dilemma. He got a girl to come over and pretend to ask me to go outside with her. I did. Hugh was waiting for me there.
I don't know if I like him for this or not.
We went to another room, alone. One more interruption - three boys, with no manners and nothing nice to say about Hugh.
And then we left.
I stayed at his. And yes, I slept with him.
I didn't think about the consequences at the time. He was one of the fittest boys I have ever been in the company of. I was drunk. I wanted it. Truth be told, I still want it again.
But now, the girls who instinctively disliked me have a reason to bitch about me behind my back. "The new girl comes along, flirting with all the important guys and fucks Hugh.... Slut... Whore... Who does she think she is, flirting with ALL the guys." The boys who hate Hugh, now also hate me for choosing him over them. "As if she fucked Hugh, she must be desperate."
And Hugh, stupid, immature, insensitive Hugh - He posted on Rowan's facebook wall: 'The girl you were chatting up went home with another guy.'
I know he's a bastard to you, Hugh, I know you hate each other, but FUCKING HELL, do not use ME as a way to get one over on him.
I went to 'The Club' this evening. Not one of them spoke to me. But D smiled. That same quick little sweet smile. But everyone else was stone cold.
...D. That's my biggest fuck up.
He must know by now. He and Rowan are close friends. OH OPHELIA! Why did you have to be such a slut!
I don't regret what happened with Hugh. It was casual sex with a fit guy.
I wouldn't have regretted the same if it had happened with Rowan.
But I regret D finding out.
I regret that so much.
Because I really care about him. I really, wanted more with him. Surely, there's no chance now.
Now, I know what you'll all say. The boys are jealous of Hugh because he's so good looking. The girls are jealous of me because I'm pretty. I wish that were true, but I know it's not. Even if it was that simple, the fact remains: As a new girl, I came to 'The Club' with a poor, unestablished reputation. Now, after last night - after only my second night socialising with them - it's in tatters:
I didn't speak to a single girl all evening. I loved the attention, I lived for it, I flirted like I owned the place. It took only the second time I met Hugh to go home with him.
- They all saw all this, and they didn't like it.
Do you know what makes me feel most shit? I didn't buy one drink that night. I got hammered on free drinks from several different boys. I know I'm the 'new meat', but still, not one boy bought me a drink or was talking to me because he liked me as a person. All they saw was how I looked, and all they wanted was sex.
Is this really what I wanted? Is this really the goal I've been killing myself for?
It felt good.
It feels shit.
During the course of the evening, drunk and high off Hugh and flirting, I thought about this post in my head, how glorious it would sound. I was going to call it, 'How to manipulate men and get what you want.' YES I fucking have it. They all wanted a piece of me.
Now, no, I am emotional and confused. It took getting what I dreamed of to realise I feel worthless and degraded for it.
And yet, I want to see Hugh again. Thinner, prettier. I want to do it all again.
I want to see Rowan, even if he's fuming with Hugh and one of many who lost all respect for me, I want to flirt with him again, thinner and hotter than before.
And D. I just don't want D to think badly of me.
It is the only place in the world, where I can be crazy. - Or rather, it is the one place in the world where I can talk, uncensored, about my crazy behaviour in the real world.
Sometimes - as with the story I am about to tell - some people see my crazy behaviour - but you guys get the full picture.
I suppose, what I'm saying is that this blog is not just about my eating disorder. It's about the terrible insecurities in my head, the reckless behaviour and the irrationality that comes from my mental instability - All the things that have created my eating disorder and which are also borne from my eating disorder - Body dysmorphic disorder, need for male attention, shopping addiction, obsessions, reckless drunkeness... the list of abnormalities goes on.
Now, 'The Club'.
I've mentioned it in posts before, but feel I should explain it better for the purpose of this story.
I was a member of 'The Club' at my university in another part of the country, and when I moved back to London to study law, I decided to continue my membership and join the London Club.
There is a hierarchy in 'The Club' - after three years you get a position of responsibility in running the Club, based on how good you are. In my three years with the Club at university, I reached a pretty high role. It was hard when I first came to the Club in London, being the new girl and slotting right into the tight-knit 'third year' group. I got a lot of talk behind my back - almost none of the girls acknowledged me. It was so hard, being new and having such an important position.
So I went for the first few months pretty much friendless - I was organising the ball, that was my role, nothing more, so I didn't socialise with them and didn't attempt to make friends. I realise that was my own fault, but it was all so hard already because I knew they were prejudiced against me from the start.
So at the ball in early December- I was forced to socialise - obviously, I had to be there because I was running it. And that's where I met D.
D was the first person to talk to me as a friend. It meant even more that he was a 'third year' with a higher role in the Club than me. He was falling over himself to help me out with anything. So sweet, so kind, not to mention reasonably good looking - so of course I fell for him. The rest is history, as the last few posts will tell.
That night, I also met Rowan and Hugh - other 'third year' boys with top positions.
Rowan is the spitting image of James, the boy I fell for in my second year of uni. Exactly the same, inside and out - clean cut, good looking, oozing irresistable rich boy charm and a self-professed slut. So of course, I was attracted to him. And a part of me wishes I had slept with him at the ball - because, believe it or not, I had the chance that night.
And Hugh - Rowan's arch enemy. Well I've never mentioned Hugh before, because I didn't see the point. He is the fittest guy in 'The Club'. I met him the morning of the ball. He was helping to set up. I asked him something. He leant down close to me and asked me to repeat what I said. I swooned. Literally swooned. And stuttered " - err- the tape... er... have you f-finished??"
Yes, he was so tall, so stunning and so ridiculously out of my league that I struggled to hold my nerve in his presence. Obviously, you know what happened with D since the ball, but with regards to Rowan and Hugh, I have spoken to them briefly once or twice since, nothing interesting or exciting.
Until last night.
There was a bit of party going on. I was there. Made myself look my best, of course, for D... still hoping and holding out for D. And D just smiles at me shyly when we pass each other by. Twice. Before I can get drunk enough to find him alone, he's gone.
I felt my heart sinking. Again, D, again.
...But then Hugh steps in.
The fact that he talks to me once is enough to make me die.
Then he finds me again and talks to me more
and some more
alone in the corner of the room
alone on the roof
alone outside in the corridor
alone to another room
Shit. What?!
On several occasions we were interrupted by gangs of people in 'third year'. They kept warning me off him. "Ophelia... you know that's Hugh... Don't do it. Don't do it."
Poor Hugh. No one in 'third year' likes him. I learnt this from the day of the ball, and have been hearing it since. Some of them are appalling to him. I know he talks a lot and can seem big-headed and over-enthusiastic perhaps, but he has a good heart. He loves 'The Club'. I suppose in a lot of ways, he's an outsider of 'third year' like me. We're both not really accepted.
Somehow I was dragged away. And found myself with Rowan.
Oh God, how did I let this happen.
We starting flirting, outrageously. He had his arm around my waist. But I wanted it. I could see Hugh out the corner of my eye, watching us. I knew it. Rowan knew it. The arch enemies were both competing for my attention.
In the end, Hugh solved my dilemma. He got a girl to come over and pretend to ask me to go outside with her. I did. Hugh was waiting for me there.
I don't know if I like him for this or not.
We went to another room, alone. One more interruption - three boys, with no manners and nothing nice to say about Hugh.
And then we left.
I stayed at his. And yes, I slept with him.
I didn't think about the consequences at the time. He was one of the fittest boys I have ever been in the company of. I was drunk. I wanted it. Truth be told, I still want it again.
But now, the girls who instinctively disliked me have a reason to bitch about me behind my back. "The new girl comes along, flirting with all the important guys and fucks Hugh.... Slut... Whore... Who does she think she is, flirting with ALL the guys." The boys who hate Hugh, now also hate me for choosing him over them. "As if she fucked Hugh, she must be desperate."
And Hugh, stupid, immature, insensitive Hugh - He posted on Rowan's facebook wall: 'The girl you were chatting up went home with another guy.'
I know he's a bastard to you, Hugh, I know you hate each other, but FUCKING HELL, do not use ME as a way to get one over on him.
I went to 'The Club' this evening. Not one of them spoke to me. But D smiled. That same quick little sweet smile. But everyone else was stone cold.
...D. That's my biggest fuck up.
He must know by now. He and Rowan are close friends. OH OPHELIA! Why did you have to be such a slut!
I don't regret what happened with Hugh. It was casual sex with a fit guy.
I wouldn't have regretted the same if it had happened with Rowan.
But I regret D finding out.
I regret that so much.
Because I really care about him. I really, wanted more with him. Surely, there's no chance now.
Now, I know what you'll all say. The boys are jealous of Hugh because he's so good looking. The girls are jealous of me because I'm pretty. I wish that were true, but I know it's not. Even if it was that simple, the fact remains: As a new girl, I came to 'The Club' with a poor, unestablished reputation. Now, after last night - after only my second night socialising with them - it's in tatters:
I didn't speak to a single girl all evening. I loved the attention, I lived for it, I flirted like I owned the place. It took only the second time I met Hugh to go home with him.
- They all saw all this, and they didn't like it.
Do you know what makes me feel most shit? I didn't buy one drink that night. I got hammered on free drinks from several different boys. I know I'm the 'new meat', but still, not one boy bought me a drink or was talking to me because he liked me as a person. All they saw was how I looked, and all they wanted was sex.
Is this really what I wanted? Is this really the goal I've been killing myself for?
It felt good.
It feels shit.
During the course of the evening, drunk and high off Hugh and flirting, I thought about this post in my head, how glorious it would sound. I was going to call it, 'How to manipulate men and get what you want.' YES I fucking have it. They all wanted a piece of me.
Now, no, I am emotional and confused. It took getting what I dreamed of to realise I feel worthless and degraded for it.
And yet, I want to see Hugh again. Thinner, prettier. I want to do it all again.
I want to see Rowan, even if he's fuming with Hugh and one of many who lost all respect for me, I want to flirt with him again, thinner and hotter than before.
And D. I just don't want D to think badly of me.
Oh gosh I know exactly how you feel... I have had a similar thing happen to me last year... And the thing is, I would not have done anything differently even if I could. Hang in there, Ophelia. :)
ReplyDeleteIt is a fault of society, not of you, that people are like that. It is no woman's fault to be free, even if it sexual free, even if it may was a failure. After all it wouldn't have meant a thing if you were a men. #
ReplyDeleteOf course I do understand that you feel sad about D. I could say that it would be the best thing to just talk to him straight about it. Not all for once... but bit by bit. But I also know that this is a hard thing to do... maybe impossible. One should always remember that the pain of haven't tried at all may be greater than the pain if you try and fail.
where will this lead to? hugh rejecting you and that will turn him into your latest obsession? which leads to binging and starving just because once he sees you skinnier he will want you again and even more? i am sure you know your pattern. please think. do it for yourself, and just for yourself. cos ur better than this
ReplyDeleteI think this whole association just sounds like adult high school. A bunch of bull shit. I'm sure it is important to make connections, but it makes me a little sick that this is an important place for law students.
ReplyDeleteI mean, really. Shouldn't they all be studying? And not gossiping like a bunch of 13 year olds?
And God DAMNIT do I hate guys and their double standards and the girls that promote that and call them sluts. I would lay low for awhile, if I were you. Something more interesting to them will come up. Sure, it may be bad for awhile and you'll feel shitty. Because you broke some stupid social arbitrary rule. Fast and get strong, look hot and thin, and focus on that. And date and sleep with people OUTSIDE the club, honestly.
Wow. That's quite a situation... It sucks that they used you to compete with each other, but at the same time, that has to tell you that you ARE pretty and desirable. There's no way they would've fought over an ugly, fat girl. But don't worry, darling, all those nasty rumors will fade away soon, and from the way you say D smiled at you, it doesn't sound as if he thinks badly of you at all.
ReplyDeleteThat's a sticky situation. But just hang in there,things will get better. Don't let the rumors bother you.
ReplyDeleteI DO love you SO because your life because I really feel we are very similar... I would have behaved the exact same way, and so I have no advice, only support and to say that I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope the air gets cleared sooner rather than later.
I agree, FUCK the double standard that makes a woman feel as though she can't sleep with whoever she wants, whereas guys gauge their worth by the number of girls they've had. Who are all these guys sleeping with, then, if the women are supposed to be obedient little tarts?
ReplyDeleteBecause it has future complications I would agree and tell you to lay low for a while until it all blows over. It sucks you have to be part of something where 22 year old girls gossip like 12 year olds but alas, that is the nature of women. This is why I prefer the company of men. Let the bitches cackle. Eventually they'll find someone else to harp on. Pretty soon you'll be old news. And enjoy the fact that you exercised your free will and enjoyed a HOTT guy! I bet he was really cute! ;)
peace
Emily
I bet D won't think badly of you. It may be is that I am not you and therefore I don't 100% understand how much you like D... but you had Hugh (and Rowan)! They want you, not just 3 of them, but all the unmentioned ones as well... your years and years of effort - the sadness, the depression, loneliness - is paying off.. don't you think? Or can't you see it that way?
ReplyDeleteGirls.. they always talk. I can't easily make friends with girls since I hate back-slaps.. and guys... they forget stuff easily. You might not be able to do anything for a while about all the talks, but soon or later, girls end up accepting the fact that you are superior than them; guys end up accepting that you are much more than a 'meat,' as you put it, the gorgeous one with the brains as well.
You have everything - just remember that Ophelia. Wish you the best, always. xo.
Sounds like quite a night! I don't know what to say. I can't tell you what to do. I've never met these people so can't really make any judgements... But...
ReplyDeleteYou haven't ruined everything by going home with Hugh. It looks bad to the others, but like you said: it was just casual sex with a fit guy. But the fact that he boasted about it? He sounds like a loud mouthed jerk and to him... you could just be a game.
Rowan? When you said he's a "self-professed slut" I immediately went off him. It just means that you'll be meaningless to him. And you don't want guys like that in your life. You won't matter a single bit. He'll walk all over you.
But these guys are giving you their attention. They're flirting with you and competing for YOUR attention. And that will only increase your desire to be thinner, more beautiful. Outrageously stunning. And I know that's what you want. So really... this could be your recipe for success.
But you can't let it go too deep with them. You can't let it become serious. Because... sooner or later... if something goes wrong. You can't go back to bingeing and purgeing and starving again. You have to stay strong. You'll be so thin and pretty. You can't let it go. Not because of them. You just have to grit your teeth and get through it.
This could be the making of you. Or at least, the making of your beautiful body. But don't let it break you.
Just be careful.
And D.
D. D. D. D. D!
I know he's giving out mixed signals... but I think it's just because he's shy. The way that he smiles at you PROVES that he likes you - whether it's just a friends thing or not. I think you should get closer to him. Even if it doesn't mean a full on relationship. I think you should talk to him, find out where he's at. If there's absolutely no hope. Move on. But if there is... hold out for him. I think he could be really good for you. He sounds so sweet and lovely. Nothing like the other two. He sounds like....
...a bit like you. But without the wild side :p
(yet)
Sending you lots and lots of love
Holly x x x