Sunday, 16 May 2010

Does it get better...

Does it get better?
Does it ever go away? That emptiness in your head; that chill seeping through your blood; the coldness...
I can't get rid of it.
I sit myself on the edge of the sofa and draw my knees up to my chest.
My huge legs, huge pink soft marshmallow legs, scrunching up the rolls on my tummy, big rolls. For all I have done, all week, all day, all night, is binge.
Food is the narcotic. Eating is the addiction.

I want to call him and hear his voice.
I want to send him links to videos, to some of your blogs, to articles, to words, to pictures, to voices, to help him listen to mine. I want him to help me.

But I don't want him to understand.
I can't do it to him.
Not only do I fear losing him (for what 19 year old boy wants to deal with a crying 22 year old falling to pieces on their shoulder?) But I fear I will destroy him as much as I have destroyed myself.

"You don't see the world like I do."
"What do you mean?"
"You don't see pain and sadness like I do; you don't see the pain and sadness in the world like I do."
He's never cried like I have. Why the hell would I do that to him? Why the hell would I make him see the world like I do? why rip the rose-tinted glasses from his face? why kill the pure smile? why darken the bright, innocent eyes?
Why make him see pain and sadness? Why explain it?
I'd be killing him until he's dead like me.
And I know there's no way back. Once you've seen it, once it's touched you, there's no way back from it's grasp.
Reality. Coldness.

I want him to understand me, and I want him to understand the hell I live.
But for him to understand, he would have to feel it from me.
I could give him things to read that could make him feel and understand so easily.
But I cannot have his blood on my hands. I will not.
To the 'Anonymous' who posted the link to Ophelia's Immortal on You Tube in a previous comment, I thank you, for it summed it up perfectly.



'What if summer...' asked me if I wanted to get better.
The truth is... I cannot answer that. My lips and voice will say 'yes'. But my head and heart are disconnected from both those organs. In the real world I have learnt to lie without feeling anything. That's what Ana and Mia taught me.
I want to be happy - I can say that much for certain.
But I don't know how to get there or what that will take.
I don't know what recovery is.
I cannot imagine going through therapy and getting better - perhaps that means I am doomed, I don't know. I cannot imagine my life without an ED, and yet people say it is possible. I don't know that I can give up something that makes me who I am.

I've always wondered, does this blog get read by psychiatrists, students, professors, researchers? Do you read this blog and other blogs to try to understand? And if so, what do you learn? Can it make you help us? Can it make you understand?
I've always thought, rather than me sitting there trying to give you answers, trying to put my disorder into figures and meanings, it would be so much better for the psychiatrist on the other side of the table to just read my blog.
I cannot explain my eating disorder to you in any other way than to tell you this: My life is a living, breathing, beating HELL. And it's me.

7 comments:

  1. my mother is a psychologist and i've wondered that. wondered what she would say id she read some of the blogs i do. if it would help her understand people.


    <3 yes i only touched on the surface of your post i'm sorry. love.

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  2. Recovery isn't instant it takes time. I know it's hard to imagine without ED. It is a possibility but it is not easy and not without struggles. But I understand what you are going through because I have been there. There when hope was just a dream. It will get better but ED never completely goes away. To me, it is like being an alcoholic because ED is always there. I am in recovery but I know I will never completely be recovered. So I take it one day at a time. Please hang in there. And don't ever stop trying.

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  3. I fear I have done what you feared doing. More than once.
    I hope you're alright lovely.
    Just give it time, it will get better for you, hang in there, and give it time, x.

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  4. i don't know what to say to help u. but i do agree with u on the fact that the truth will hurt him.. i read blogs because i always feel empty. i am not alone but i always feel alone. the blogs are only things that make me feel alone, feel human, feel connected to the society. /xo

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  5. recovery does not have to mean putting on weight. I lost a lot when i stopped throwing up. I am 1,72 cm, was an average 63 kg while bulimic and now ten years into my recovery I am 53-55 kg. And i have been that for a long time. weight will always matter to me. i will feel fat once in a while. but the torture the pain to the degree you feel it, severe severe depression, never came back. i compare it with alcoholism, even if you have stopped drinking for 30 yrs you're still an alcoholic. I will always be ED. i just learned to live with it without my life being hell. hope that made sense.
    stay strong!

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  6. that´s funny. i thought about the same thing. if any psychiatrists or people like that are reading blogs. but i´m not sure if this would make any difference. i think nobody can understand what it´s like if they never lived it like we do/did.
    for me the best thing about eating again is that it´s not that cold anymore. but i think that was it. the pain and sadness is still the same. a big mess. you said it. and i can´t believe that there are still psychiatrists out there who want to tell me it will get better anytime if i will eat and accept my weight and shit like that. it´s a fucking illusion. but where are these things which make anything better? i wonder if they really exist...

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  7. thanks for ur comment. it's really thoughtful and sincere. makes me think. actually think. hah, and i love that quote: "men are like dessert." mmmm, that sounds about right. btw, whenever u come back, even if i'm not doing so well in my binge-control, something lightens up inside me. prolly cos u are the first blogger i found. nice to see u blogging again. and i'm truly happy that alex is making u happy and actually feel beautiful. /xo

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