Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Please, Sink a blade into my thigh

Self harm is something that has always confused me.
Before I started doing it, I didn't comprehend why anyone could possibly have a need for it.
When I started doing, I couldn't rationalise my actions to others or to myself.
Now that I can't stop doing it, I can't work out why I can't stop or what I need to do.
It's a stupid, irrational addiction. I don't know why I started, or why I need it, or how to control it... I just know that I desperately want to stop.

I go through cycles of this addiction - or this craving rather. I need to self harm right now. I need to sink a blade into my thigh; and then everything will be alright.

I've been battling this craving for the last few days - since Friday to be precise - just hoping that it's suddenly going to fade... it's just because I'm stressed, just because I'm tired, just because...

I'm at a loss to be honest with you. I'm fighting so hard and I'm just not winning.
I'm at work at the moment so there are no sharp instruments that I can use, else I'd certainly have cracked and gone into a toilet cubicle to make a wound. How do I suppress this desire? How can I make it go away? Perhaps I just need a good long cry. But I can't even fucking do that in this place because my make up will run and everyone will notice. I hate this stupid happy act you have to keep up in offices. ARGH!

Despite the good salad routine that I'm enjoying, I'm still pretty much maintaining weight. I guess that at uni it was so easy for me to stay shut up in my room when I needed to; I could hide away when I felt fat or looked in the mirror and saw a disgusting reflection. But now, every morning it takes well over an hour to put on my make-up, do my hair, choose what to wear. And then I look in the mirror and I look fat and hideous. So I redo it...throw clothes over my room desperately looking for something that fits ok...and I need to harm... I need to cut, release blood, release tension, release pain... I don't know, I just need it!

I'm so horribly uncomfortable in my body at the moment. I hate it.
I hate being on display to people all day, every day.
I want to put on a baggy t-shirt and sink under my duvet away from prying eyes.
Jesus Christ, I'm such a freak. Ugly, ugly, freak.
Fuck, and yet I know I'm not, especially in this office. Ok, I'm not ugly, I'm not even FAT - to standard eyes. BUT I HATE IT, OK, TO MY EYES I AM UGLY AND FAT. And I can't accept the way I look. I'm embarrassed being seen like this, and I'm ashamed of my weight. So maybe the rest of the world accepts the way I look but I can't handle it and I won't accept it.

I'm on the edge, so filled with self-hatred, and I'm craving to cut... is there any other way to cope... to find relief?
I've only had an apple so far today. I'm on Day 2 of ABC, so 500 calories allowed in total. I've got absolutely no appetite - lunch will suffice with a few cucumbers and tomatoes I reckon... no need to reach the full 500.

Restricting is the easy part right now.

Calm Ophelia, calm, don't crack, don't cry, don't scream, DON'T CUT.

8 comments:

  1. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll feel better once ur weight gets down. Its good you're staying under the 500 cal mark as much as possible. I had an awful experience last time on the abc, but I'm starting it in a week again hopefully it will go well. Good luck on it, stay strong! xoxo Farah

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  2. Hey! I can relate to the self harm thing. My friend used to do it and I thought it was absolutly stupid! How does some one feel relief by harming themselves! But I understand now. I just wna hurt myelf bc Im a fuckin idiot with nothing else going for her. I got scraped by a cat and it made a y shape on my arm and I loved that bc at that time I was like why is my life shit. Its almost fully fades now but Im considoring remarking it! I think Im just crying out for help and no1 is paying attention. Altho Im maintaining my weight if I want to get noticed Im gona have to change drastically. Im thinkning this wkd Im eating celery and cucumber that it! I need to be noticed I need some one to help me!

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  3. you are speaking of all the things that have been going through my mind lately. But unfortunately for u that u need to go to work everyday and face people. Im going to have my exams soon so i should really be studying in uni whether than at home being distracted by my laptop but i dont want to go out bc im feeling fat. consequently im not gettin much study done at home. now im stressed over my exam and my weight....so stressed, like u i feel like harming myself...to smile at the sign of blood..to feel relief with the pain from the flesh.....i do too crave for that escape...to take away the crave? my choice is to punch anything hard(e.g wall)...but since u're in ur office...maybe pinching urself? that's what i do anyway or bite myself as hard as i can...

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  4. I feel the same way about people seeing me, I hate going to school, people have to watch me walk around, I want to stay home and curl up in my bed, I feel so fat and discusting, and embarrased that other people have to watch me, even look at me.
    good luck on your abc, I'm doing it too,
    you'll get through it :)
    xx

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  5. I used to cut all the time. I dont know how I stopped or why but I had to go to the hospital more than once for stitches because i'd cut when I was drunk. A few people found out that I did it. It was pretty much mortifying. I dont think Ive done it since then. But I completely understand the need your talking about. Its like letting the pain drip out of you.

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  6. Oooh, I hope you stay strong and don't cut. I'm proud of you for resisting. *hugs* You can get your weight down. We're all here for you.

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  7. Intense. Like Vermeer.

    Much, much more honest than anything I say.

    Keep on keeping on.

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  8. Are you doing ABC? Im starting Monday.. I have done it before until about Day 30.. Follow me on my blog

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)