Self harm is something that has always confused me.
Before I started doing it, I didn't comprehend why anyone could possibly have a need for it.
When I started doing, I couldn't rationalise my actions to others or to myself.
Now that I can't stop doing it, I can't work out why I can't stop or what I need to do.
It's a stupid, irrational addiction. I don't know why I started, or why I need it, or how to control it... I just know that I desperately want to stop.
I go through cycles of this addiction - or this craving rather. I need to self harm right now. I need to sink a blade into my thigh; and then everything will be alright.
I've been battling this craving for the last few days - since Friday to be precise - just hoping that it's suddenly going to fade... it's just because I'm stressed, just because I'm tired, just because...
I'm at a loss to be honest with you. I'm fighting so hard and I'm just not winning.
I'm at work at the moment so there are no sharp instruments that I can use, else I'd certainly have cracked and gone into a toilet cubicle to make a wound. How do I suppress this desire? How can I make it go away? Perhaps I just need a good long cry. But I can't even fucking do that in this place because my make up will run and everyone will notice. I hate this stupid happy act you have to keep up in offices. ARGH!
Despite the good salad routine that I'm enjoying, I'm still pretty much maintaining weight. I guess that at uni it was so easy for me to stay shut up in my room when I needed to; I could hide away when I felt fat or looked in the mirror and saw a disgusting reflection. But now, every morning it takes well over an hour to put on my make-up, do my hair, choose what to wear. And then I look in the mirror and I look fat and hideous. So I redo it...throw clothes over my room desperately looking for something that fits ok...and I need to harm... I need to cut, release blood, release tension, release pain... I don't know, I just need it!
I'm so horribly uncomfortable in my body at the moment. I hate it.
I hate being on display to people all day, every day.
I want to put on a baggy t-shirt and sink under my duvet away from prying eyes.
Jesus Christ, I'm such a freak. Ugly, ugly, freak.
Fuck, and yet I know I'm not, especially in this office. Ok, I'm not ugly, I'm not even FAT - to standard eyes. BUT I HATE IT, OK, TO MY EYES I AM UGLY AND FAT. And I can't accept the way I look. I'm embarrassed being seen like this, and I'm ashamed of my weight. So maybe the rest of the world accepts the way I look but I can't handle it and I won't accept it.
I'm on the edge, so filled with self-hatred, and I'm craving to cut... is there any other way to cope... to find relief?
I've only had an apple so far today. I'm on Day 2 of ABC, so 500 calories allowed in total. I've got absolutely no appetite - lunch will suffice with a few cucumbers and tomatoes I reckon... no need to reach the full 500.
Restricting is the easy part right now.
Calm Ophelia, calm, don't crack, don't cry, don't scream, DON'T CUT.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago