Skip to main content


So, this whole eating lunch at work in the canteen thing is actually working out pretty well.

There are always two options: a served hot meal (usually consisting of some sort of meat, potatoes, veg) or a cold salad buffet. I always have the cold salad of course, except that 80% of the options are either carbs (potatoes/pasta/rice) or drenched in salad creams, eughhhh. The only foods I take are raw cucumber, tomato, fish, mushrooms, peppers. I did try to have an egg or a piece of chicken in the salad last week, but just ended up feeling really full and uncomfortable, so I'm just sticking to raw veggies and a small bit of seafood this week.

Anyway, like I say, this enforced eating thing is actually working out well now that I've been able to find lots of safe foods to fill my plate with...well...half fill :) And absolutely no one has commented on it, so it seems like my years of experienced lying have paid off!

I have to say, the rigid routine is really doing wonders for me. I arrive at work at 8am, have lunch at 1pm, and by the time I get home at 7pm I have no excuse to eat because I know my day is over! Every time someone brings doughnuts round the office or offers me biscuits my snobby sense of pride kicks in an I look at them in disgust, "Oh God no!...thank you anyway...". I've always had an issue with eating around other people, just because whenever I see someone tucking into junk food I view them as weak and stupid, so I automatically think someone will think the same of me if they see me stuff my face - even with one tiny crumb.

...I'm not weak... I don't even think about food... it tastes of nothing....

Imagine if people knew the truth.

...Those dark evenings when I stuff myself with cereal and bread and biscuits galore and then get high off vomiting it all back up again.

Well, anyway, I don't want to think about that. This post is not about that. I'm settling into a happy, regular pattern of one salad a day and there are no thoughts in my mind of breaking this routine. It's working so well. I'm not hungry first thing in the morning because it's too early and my stupid pride won't let me eat more than a salad all day at work. The only danger time is in the evening when I get home. So far I've been able to just have a hot bath and go to bed with a book... but it has been hard... but I have to stay strong because I know that the second I allow myself even something tiny to eat, I won't stop. When I'm alone in my own kitchen with no one to see me, I know I'll stuff my face to kingdom come with as much sick junk that I can get my hands on.

But that's easy, just a few hours in my day in which I need to keep control, everything else is easy.
With this in mind, it's time to re-start the ABC... I'm on 300 calories from today, so, starting from today :) No margins for error, no excuses. No wild nights out, no alcohol, no stress, no uni work. This is all my time to concentrate on the plan and enjoy!


  1. yes, concentrate on the plan and enjoy!

    Sounds like you are on the right track and in the right mindset, wonderful!

  2. well done you for sticking to your plans,
    I do the same when I see other people around me eating junk food and stuffing it in their mouths, I feel in control, it's good :)
    I am now following your blog,
    good luck with your abc :)

  3. Wow, Ophelia, you're doing brilliantly! I'm completely impressed (and jealous)

    Keep going, you can do it!!


Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…