Sunday, 4 January 2009

A Head Full of Beauty - Finally, Here I Am

This is my very first anonymous blog!
I’m an addictive writer, absolutely obsessed with it, and have, until now, always posted onto blogs on my myspace/facebook, so obviously everything I wrote had to be completely censored. I always had to write so cryptically that I felt like my words were being smothered in cotton wool – making them safe and inoffensive to any of my poor friends that stumbled across them.
There is no one who really knows the true extent of who I am. No one really knows who I’m talking about, or what they have done. No one really knows how I feel or what is going on inside my head. No one….except you!

So, here is some brief background info on me.
I am female, 21, in my final year at a good UK university (studying English Literature funnily enough!) When I am not at uni, I live with my Mum. My Dad died when I was 11 and I am an only child. I suffered from anorexia when I was 15, but managed to scare myself out of it before I got too ill. In the past year I have been severely bulimic and started self-harming and all that great kinda stuff. I have of course suffered from numerous extensive bouts of depression ranging from mediocre to extreme. I suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder – in other words I hate the way I look. It disgusts me and I have punished myself for it. There are some days I cannot be seen by people or walk out the door without a panic attack.
Sooooo that’s my mental illness summed up in a rather blunt paragraph. It manages to say more than all my years of censored writing.

I am also, addicted to men. I live my life by whichever man I am crazy about – and it changes pretty frequently. Despite my compulsive hatred of my appearance, I am generally deemed attractive and have little problem getting involved with guys. I do, however, only fancy the bad ones (who doesn’t!) and that combined with all my craziness and insecurity leads to a continuous stream of mess.
I always needed to find a real voice to speak about my fucked up shit. Finally, here it is.

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)