Friday, 30 January 2009

I remember in the summer...the summer I was almost saved

So, that trip to Athens that I was raving about last week?

As I arrive back at my flat on Tuesday afternoon having purchased 200 euros and two boxes of cereal bars I get a call on my mobile telling me that there's a strike at Athens airport and my flight out will be delayed by 24 hours minimum. The man recommended I get a full refund. So, I did, walked back into my cold little room and promptly scoffed both boxes of cereal bars in agony.

So, no pretty photos from Athens. Just plain words from England.

I finished my final essay in the end, handed it in a day late, and it was a pretty poor effort, but like I say, not really bothered, I just needed that final pressure off my shoulders.

Yesterday I ate about 6 bowls of cereal, 4 slices of bread and lots of biscuits in a binge, and I actually have a physical tyre around my waist. I'm disgusting. Just sickening.

I've been thinking recently about a guy I know - an old romance if you will - or well, it was a romance in my eyes...
His name is James. I've been completely and utterly in love with him since the very first time I laid eyes on him in my first week of my first year at uni. He was a third year then, stunningly gorgeous, confident, popular and just so eligible that I knew he'd never look twice at me. In fact for the whole of my first year at uni, I doubt he even knew I existed. He was the only guy I've ever known who I was shy to be around. In my second year as I got to speak to him a little more I would still turn into a rigid, bashful doll every time he graced me with his attention. Usually if I like a guy I would put on a massive show of confidence and flirt outrageously with him, but James was just so out of my league I couldn't behave like that.
But I always knew that he found me attractive, I knew the power that I had.

When he and his girlfriend broke up at the end of my second year, I was genuinely upset for him. I thought she was perfect in every way and I knew how besotted he was with her. I thought they were a match made in heaven. By the time I found out, it had been over a month since it happened. What I didn't know at the time (but later found out) was that he was 'romancing' a girl I knew. I say 'romancing' because it is just the perfect word for what he does.

At the same time, he decided to start romancing me, much to my sheer disbelief and astounding joy. I thought I had reached heaven and all my ultimate, unbelievable dreams had come true - Me and James. It truly was beyond my wildest dreams, he was always the untouchable personification of perfect in my eyes.
The details of this romancing and our connection to the other girl is a fantastic tale, but one I cannot publish here for fear of bringing shame upon a certain organisation. Needless to say, the whole thing caused a tremendous stir amongst our circle and tears flowed as a result.

I went to visit him for a day during the summer before these revelations had occurred, and I cannot remember a day when I have ever felt so happy. I felt beautiful, stunning, loved, special. It was a perfect summers day, perfectly blue skies and bright green trees painted by an inspired hand. We spent the day frolicking in the lush fields and woods of the countryside, and I swear, I cannot have wished for a more stunning picture of joy in my heart.

Despite what has happened since, it is a day I hope I never forget.

Of course it had to end, and for me, it ended the very next day as he drove me back home. There was to be no relationship he said, he liked girls who were more charismatic.

All the rest of it doesn't matter, I don't want to write anymore detail on it. Everything came to light afterwards, and it doesn't matter.

Anyway, like I say, I've been thinking about him of late. Back on that summers day we wrote a list of all the sexual adventures we wanted to experience. We said we'd do them all together to learn and experiment. Of course following the events of the summer I was hurt and angry and the idea was put to sleep. Twice since then I have seen him again and been susceptible to his charm, and both times we agreed to do the list as we had promised.
The power lies with me to say one word: yes.
One word to become his fuck buddy, his experimental sex partner... and a terrible part of me wants to do it for the adventure... and a vulnerable part of me knows I'll have feelings for him that he'll never return - even if I deny it to myself.

I just have to say one word.

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