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I remember in the summer...the summer I was almost saved

So, that trip to Athens that I was raving about last week?

As I arrive back at my flat on Tuesday afternoon having purchased 200 euros and two boxes of cereal bars I get a call on my mobile telling me that there's a strike at Athens airport and my flight out will be delayed by 24 hours minimum. The man recommended I get a full refund. So, I did, walked back into my cold little room and promptly scoffed both boxes of cereal bars in agony.

So, no pretty photos from Athens. Just plain words from England.

I finished my final essay in the end, handed it in a day late, and it was a pretty poor effort, but like I say, not really bothered, I just needed that final pressure off my shoulders.

Yesterday I ate about 6 bowls of cereal, 4 slices of bread and lots of biscuits in a binge, and I actually have a physical tyre around my waist. I'm disgusting. Just sickening.

I've been thinking recently about a guy I know - an old romance if you will - or well, it was a romance in my eyes...
His name is James. I've been completely and utterly in love with him since the very first time I laid eyes on him in my first week of my first year at uni. He was a third year then, stunningly gorgeous, confident, popular and just so eligible that I knew he'd never look twice at me. In fact for the whole of my first year at uni, I doubt he even knew I existed. He was the only guy I've ever known who I was shy to be around. In my second year as I got to speak to him a little more I would still turn into a rigid, bashful doll every time he graced me with his attention. Usually if I like a guy I would put on a massive show of confidence and flirt outrageously with him, but James was just so out of my league I couldn't behave like that.
But I always knew that he found me attractive, I knew the power that I had.

When he and his girlfriend broke up at the end of my second year, I was genuinely upset for him. I thought she was perfect in every way and I knew how besotted he was with her. I thought they were a match made in heaven. By the time I found out, it had been over a month since it happened. What I didn't know at the time (but later found out) was that he was 'romancing' a girl I knew. I say 'romancing' because it is just the perfect word for what he does.

At the same time, he decided to start romancing me, much to my sheer disbelief and astounding joy. I thought I had reached heaven and all my ultimate, unbelievable dreams had come true - Me and James. It truly was beyond my wildest dreams, he was always the untouchable personification of perfect in my eyes.
The details of this romancing and our connection to the other girl is a fantastic tale, but one I cannot publish here for fear of bringing shame upon a certain organisation. Needless to say, the whole thing caused a tremendous stir amongst our circle and tears flowed as a result.

I went to visit him for a day during the summer before these revelations had occurred, and I cannot remember a day when I have ever felt so happy. I felt beautiful, stunning, loved, special. It was a perfect summers day, perfectly blue skies and bright green trees painted by an inspired hand. We spent the day frolicking in the lush fields and woods of the countryside, and I swear, I cannot have wished for a more stunning picture of joy in my heart.

Despite what has happened since, it is a day I hope I never forget.

Of course it had to end, and for me, it ended the very next day as he drove me back home. There was to be no relationship he said, he liked girls who were more charismatic.

All the rest of it doesn't matter, I don't want to write anymore detail on it. Everything came to light afterwards, and it doesn't matter.

Anyway, like I say, I've been thinking about him of late. Back on that summers day we wrote a list of all the sexual adventures we wanted to experience. We said we'd do them all together to learn and experiment. Of course following the events of the summer I was hurt and angry and the idea was put to sleep. Twice since then I have seen him again and been susceptible to his charm, and both times we agreed to do the list as we had promised.
The power lies with me to say one word: yes.
One word to become his fuck buddy, his experimental sex partner... and a terrible part of me wants to do it for the adventure... and a vulnerable part of me knows I'll have feelings for him that he'll never return - even if I deny it to myself.

I just have to say one word.


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"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…