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I have, of late, been living a reversed life.
Reversed in the sense that I stay up all night and go to bed in the morning.
I've had a mountain of deadlines this week and more next week for all my university assessments, and for some reason, I just can't work during the daytime but work incredibly well at night.
More than this, however, I think there is also an underlying fear of daylight. I've had this phobia since I was in my mid-teens. I remember in the morning before I went to school, I would spend so long getting ready, putting my make-up on, covering each single blemish, then re-covering it, then re-doing my hair, and then changing it again...I keep on and on amending myself until I looked bearable. I was frequently late for school, not because I overslept, but because I couldn't find the courage to step outside.
In unnatural light or in the evening, I usually can cope with how I look. If I look in the mirror while I'm under daylight or very bright light, I absolutely cannot stand it. It repulses me. In good light, you can see every, single imperfection on my skin, however much make-up I wear, I am hideous underneath and this cannot be hidden by anything.
There are times when it literally breaks my heart to have to step outside into the daylight. On bad days, I have panic attacks and break down in tears, tearing at myself in the mirror in a crazed state. On good days, I avoid all mirrors and anybody I might know as much as I can and walk with my head down.

Am I really that ugly?

I have many boys always wanting to flirt with me, I have people constantly telling me that I'm pretty. And deep down, I know, deep, deep down I KNOW that I am prettier than average, and that I am extremely lucky and I know, I know that I am not ugly. But still I hate the way I look. It disgusts me and has made my life miserable, being so consumed by my ugliness has taken away so many opportunities. I have wasted years of my life to it. It has crippled me.

I am back on 60mg of Fluoxetine since my last visit to the doctor two weeks back. The ''great whacking dose'' as she calls it. I have to say, it does kinda help, even if it is a placebo as some people claim, placebos work - after all, this is an illness all in the mind...

The eating has been marginally better. I have been binging only 3/4 times a week instead of three times a day...soooo I have to keep working hard at it. It's crazy, when I get the urge to binge, it's like my head just shuts down completely, and nothing I say, nothing I do to try and stop myself will work. Once it's there, it's like I just get overtaken by someone else...and then when I wake up, I'm horrified and disgusted with myself.

I was supposed to get in contact with my eating disorders nurse and local clinic/support group after I saw my doctor, but for some reason I just keep putting it off. I left them back in May, confident and happy, and honestly for about month afterwards I was eating three healthy meals a day like a normal person - it was fabulous. But since then it's been a toss and tumble between healthy and crazy, and finally over Christmas I decided to go 100% for the crazy.

For the last week or so I've not been able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. And sometimes, I am so deadly tired, and I just lie there with my eyes open because they simply will not shut. I think as well as the stress of chaotic eating and looking disgustingly fat, these essays for uni have been playing on my mind constantly and I just can't seem to relax for a moment. I think it will get better once I've finished my last essay - due in on Monday!

Yesterday I decided to book a trip to Athens for myself. Yeah, on my own, why not! I just need to get away so badly, I really feel so suffocated at the moment. This whole month has just been non-existent - I haven't really spent a moment of it alive, I haven't stepped a foot into the world. So, after Monday, what faced me was two weeks off uni, and, with my loan just having come through, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

Athens! I have wanted to go there since I was a little girl! I used to be absolutely fascinated by Ancient Greek culture and mythology and was completely in love with the Goddess Athene (she was the best out of all the goddesses by far!) And in week's time, I will be there, at her temple - imagine! Oh it puts me in such good spirits to think about it! I'm looking forward to my little adventure, and am not at all worried about going on my own. I never really worry about things like that, for all my insecurities and problems, I am very independent - probably cos I have to wear a constant mask (literally and figuratively) when I'm around anyone.

I sent off my application to law school today as well. I intend to do a law conversion course when I have finished my studies at university this year - I'm not really sure why, but it's what my Mum would like, so why not. It's not like I have many other choices.

Anyway, pictures from beautiful Athens coming soon!


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"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…