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I need you

Today has been one of those rock bottom days.

I hate it when I get like this.

All I can do is sleep. I can't do anything else, my brain just won't function. Even if I've slept for 12 hours straight, if I get up and attempt to do anything, I'm just overcome by an intense wave of tiredness.

I've just now got back from a binge-trip to the local supermarket, scoffing a double chocolate muffin and a wholemeal bread roll. I feel really sick. I hate muffins!

Anyway, the usual thing to do right now would be to kneel infront of the toilet and shove my fingers down my throat. Well, I'm not doing it. My teeth have been really sensitive of late and I know they're rotting away with the amount of vomiting that I do. I have got to stop. I have got to stop. I HAVE GOT TO STOP!

All day I've just been craving to get on this blog and write about how empty I feel today. And I kept stopping myself.
No one reads your stupid blog, I said to myself. It's pointless and stupid and attention-seeking and no one gives a shit.
Well, yeah, so what if that's true, you know what I don't care. This is my fucking therapy now. I need this. I need YOU, the reader that does not exist.
There is no one in the world that I can talk to as openly as this, and this is stuff that I need to say somehow to someone, even if you're not there.

Ok, so I've lost it and I'm ranting.

I stopped taking my medication for about 3 days. Did that have anything to do with this hideous enslaught of depression today? I don't know. I had an essay due in at 12 noon today. I haven't typed a single word. I've just stopped caring. I'm supposed to be sending off my applications for a Solicitor Training Contract tomorrow. I can't be bothered, I just don't care anymore.

When I wasn't asleep and having nightmares, I was awake and planning ways to commit suicide without it looking like suicide. Of coure I won't do it. I can't, not while my mum is still alive. I would never do that to her. I endure this pain of living so that she can still have hope and a quality of life - I am all she has in the world.

It was the funeral of a friend of mine on the weekend, but I didn't go. I couldn't face it. Hearing about it today from a friend who did go only served to heighten my black mood. It's so unfair. I fucking couldn't stop crying and I have no idea why. I'm not scared of death, it wouldn't trouble me at all to die, so why would God take the life of someone who was so alive and loved it?! Why didn't he take me instead. What the hell am I serving a purpose for.

The only thing in the world that I want right now is to be held in someone's arms who loved me and cry my heart out.

And so I lock myself in my room, curl up in a ball under my duvet, and pretend that I'm not there.


  1. I read your blog & I'm somebody. Hang in there.


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Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
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