A Head Full of Beauty

"Men. They're just not worth it." "You're SO beautiful." "He's clearly blind." "You can do so much better than him." "He's not worth it." No. Dear friends, you're wrong, it's me. I'm not worth it. He's not blind, he just doesn't fancy girls with fat legs. I'm not beautiful. I'm dead. Oh the cliches. They come out thick and fast from my friends. Last night, prime example. So, in my last post but one 'further into ana's arms' I mentioned Sam and how I had started to become really attracted to him. Well we started chatting via facebook and texting etc, and it was all so lovely, and it made me so happy. I thought there might be something... Last night was a big social to the student union club, and naturally I persuaded him to come. Oh, I was so excited, so high, so full of desire to live. Our conversations had led me to believe he was coming out just to see me. So I let myself imag...

I have an assignment due in 7 hours. I have no intention of getting it done on time. I will hand it in late, like I always do, and be penalised for it. I am in my final year of university now - the most important year or some shit like that. Who knows...who cares. I'm under some sort of perverse illusion that in order to write an essay I need to eat shit loads. So I have eaten shit loads. I do not need to eat for fucks sake! Every day I am making the daily trip to the supermarket. I have no food whatsoever in my flat. I can't have any food around without binging on it - it doesn't matter what it is - I'll cook it, eat it raw, eat it all, not stop. So, every day, ravenously hungry, I go to the supermarket, walking up and down the isles, checking the back of every packet, choosing something, putting it back, wringing my hands in angst. "That nutter girl is back again." Yeah, I just walk up and down your supermarket looking at food because I'm bored and lone...

Firstly, big thanks to all of you that have been reading or commenting. Really, you guys are what make this blog work for me, and this blog working is what keeps me strong! Last night was a the big St Patricks Day celebration at the club I'm a part of at uni. Originally I had intended to stay at home and get some work done on my assignment due next week (shit, still not started it... will start it after I've finished this post!) I figured that if I went, I'd only see Oli , feel fat and ugly, get upset and go on a massive binge. But in the afternoon I hit the gym big time and was absolutely buzzing off the adrenaline for the rest of the day - literally bouncing off the walls at such a good workout. So I decided that I'd go and pull out all the stops. As it was a St Patricks celebration the fancy dress theme was Irish. Well I wasn't going to go dressed in shitty green clothes so I decided to go as an Irish Fairy/Pixie/Nymph. I wore a brand new, beautiful, floaty whi...

I should really be doing some uni work. And instead I have just spent the last 4 hours reading blogs and checking out thinspo ... I should really stop. I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening carrying on with my Ana Book - a little notebook I carry around with me that's full of thinspo and little pro- ana quotes and stuff like that. I don't seem to ever actually use it (the idea is to get it out when I want to binge and use it to make me stop!) but adding to it always cheers me up and gets my motivational motor running. The walls of my room here at uni are covered with models from magazines. One of my favourites is the Lacoste Touch of Pink perfume advert, and I also love the girl in the Armani Code perfume advert. Always wonder if my friends think I'm a lesbian when they come into my room... I mean I've got the standard Justin Timberlake posters etc, but still a great deal more beautiful women! I just love them though, just love them so much for being so perfe...

Ok , so this is a little bit gross, but I just had the best purge ever. I find that the best purges are always the planned ones, where you just eat and eat knowing that you are going to be sick straight afterwards. The best purge foods are white bread, cereal and noodles. They just come straight back out in great thick, massive lumps and it is so, so satisfying to feel it. That shit that could have been in your body coming out triumphantly. Foods that do not purge well: Yogurt ( ewww ), eggs, ice cream and gross dairy stuff like that - just really not worth the trauma. Not that I'm championing the binge and purge cycle here, but if you are about to have a massive binge with the mind to purge afterwards just consider what you're eating and how easy it will come back up. I went for a massive gym session yesterday and my arms and stomach are aching - the best feeling in the world!! My legs are still feeling fine because I actually stretched them out properly for once, so I took a...

I really miss James. There, I said it. He was one of the few people that knew about me. He was one of the few people I could tell. Well, it's lost now, what can I do... it taught me never to tell people. It makes me very sad in a way, because I know I could never have a good relationship that worked with a guy. I'd make him so miserable. I feel incredibly sorry for any man that would truly love me, for I would just treat him like crap and push him out of my life. The truth is, I don't think I could live with anyone. I love being able to come back to my flat, take off my restrictive clothing, wash off all the makeup and remove all the pins from my hair and just be myself as I am naturally. I do love that... but only so long as nobody can see me. There is no way that I would ever let any guy that I was dating see me in such a state - so how on earth could I live with them, or even marry them! The idea is horrifying to me. What I really don't get is a guy that would love ...

Another week of being locked in my room. Another week of missing uni. I cannot bear to be seen right now. I don't just feel hideous, I know I am. I am, fuck it, underneath the carefully applied makeup and nice clothes I'm fucking hideous. My clothes are horrifically tight after all the amount of weight I've put on this week. I know it's been loads, and I don't have the guts to stand on the scales and see what I've done to myself. I went on the most mental binge I've ever known on Wednesday after my friend's birthday. Two packets of crisps (the massive sharing bags!), a packet of biscuits, a tub of ice cream , 4 sandwiches and not to mention bottles and bottles of alcohol. Of course the next day because I was hungover and felt like crap I had to go on another binge and so on. My mate had a massive go at Oliver on my behalf. I made a massive fool of myself in general going around telling everyone how much I liked him. I humiliated myself on a massive scale...