Sunday, 29 March 2009

"...he's not worth it"

"Men. They're just not worth it."
"You're SO beautiful."
"He's clearly blind."
"You can do so much better than him."
"He's not worth it."

No. Dear friends, you're wrong, it's me. I'm not worth it.
He's not blind, he just doesn't fancy girls with fat legs.
I'm not beautiful. I'm dead.

Oh the cliches. They come out thick and fast from my friends.
Last night, prime example.
So, in my last post but one 'further into ana's arms' I mentioned Sam and how I had started to become really attracted to him.
Well we started chatting via facebook and texting etc, and it was all so lovely, and it made me so happy. I thought there might be something...
Last night was a big social to the student union club, and naturally I persuaded him to come. Oh, I was so excited, so high, so full of desire to live. Our conversations had led me to believe he was coming out just to see me.
So I let myself imagine, something happening, something developing; I imagined him making me happy.

I made myself look as perfect as possible. And I did, I know it, I was the prettiest girl there. I was. But my legs...my legs...the scars...the round face...oh I hate you.

And Sam and I were together, chatting, laughing, getting along so well. And then. He suddenly tells me his heartache about liking another girl. Kate. He likes her. The clean blonde, tiny, little girl with cute rosy cheeks and shining eyes. And it all goes black.

That was it. I flip. I drink and drink, punch walls, throw up, flirt and flaunt myself, spend half the night in the toilets, looking in the mirror, touching up every bit of makeup every 10 minutes. Hating myself, hating myself, because he doesn't like me.

Concerned people telling me I'm not fat.
Bastards telling me not to make anymore scars on my arms.
"It's none of your business what I do!" I screamed at him.
"Look you're a really nice girl, and I know I'm a horrible guy, but don't do it ok."
"Oh seriously spare me the shit."
(This was Simon V by the way - see previous posts - apparently under some sort of illusion that the scars on my arms were due to him??)

Perhaps Sam saw my arms and that's what put him off. Can't blame him for not fancying a psychotic freak.
All these people think I'm crazy and they don't even know the half of what my life with ana is like.

Oh God what's wrong with me.
I starved myself so well for this night in order to look good enough. The belly was shrinking.

And I drank and drank. And bought two portions of chips with cheese and a cheese burger as I stumbled home, shoeless, fighting off a stalker man asking to be my boyfriend. Dream a horrible, vivid dream about Oli. Wake up, eat a packet of cereal and two cookies. Throw up. Success. Glory.


You know, all night long, I just wanted to come here. As I stood in front of the mirror, as I left the club, and I ran home, all I could think about was this blog and all of you. All I wanted was to come here to my sanctuary and tell the only people I could tell.
I love reading all your blogs.
I love being able to be truthful to you in return.


This coming monday night is the biggest social of the year. I was so excited. I was going to be stunningly perfect. I was going to be with Sam. Oh I was going to shine like Ana's star.
And now, my throat still vile from vomit, the scars cracking and going purple, seeing the face in the mirror of a girl who is not and will not ever be little, sweet Kate. How can I go now?

I am fasting. Three days. Hold my hand and shrink with me.

5 comments:

  1. I really feel you on this one. A post I wrote awhile back really reminded me of this post...check it out if you haven't already: http://mydirtylittlesecret81.blogspot.com/2009/02/words-and-their-power.html

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  2. Oh hun... I don't know what to tell you. Boys are just very... judgemental. That's it. They want skinny, pretty, perfect girlfriends. And we're just... not perfect. Yet. Babe I wanna tell you to stop eating and to stop self harming but I can't because I know it's not that easy. It's not. I'm going through the same thing. But seriously. Just stop. Just STOP. Stop hurting yourself. Stop torturing your body, mind and soul.

    Ophelia lets do it together. This bingeing and self harm... let's finish with it. And now. Forever. Come on. Let's change our cards. I don't know why we've been dealt them, but we can play them to our advantage. We can. This shit has made us stronger, right? It's made us want to strive for perfect perfection even more. And we can do it. We will do it. So lets not waste anymore time. Anymore years of our lives.. lets do it. Now.

    Stay strong. Keep striving. I believe in you. I know you can do this. You are my inspiration. My thinspiration. Let's shake this up.

    X

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  3. I wish I could have been there with you. The whole story was tragic, but what was worse was that you had to deal by yourself. Can't say that I can give much guidance in terms of the guys, as I think most people in general don't deserve the air they breath. So my hatred of mankind probably isn't helpful.

    Know that I'm here for you, and I especially empathize where you're coming from with regards to the scars. Though I'm an ocean away, remember I'm always supporting you!

    Sending you good energy. **Rose

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  4. Ophelia, thank you so much for your comment on my blog.

    It made me cry. It meant so much because I’ve admired you totally for such a long time. I can relate to everything you write about, I find hope in what you say, and power in knowing that I’m not alone. But knowing that I had your support and that you were proud of me for being so strong... and also knowing that I’d just binged... I couldn’t take it. I’d undone everything I’d worked for. I’d ruined it all. Those three days without food... practically on my knees... in hell. I’d given it all up. I’d given in. And reading your words... the guilt and regret I felt was overwhelming. It was all over.

    I want to start again. And never have to go back to the beginning. I want to be thin. To have the glory. And I know you want too. It'll change everything for us. So lets lose this weight. Lose this fat. Lose this fear. Take control. Let's fast. We can do it. We can do this. So let's not wast anymore time. Because we both know its running out. Self destruction takes over soon enough. Let's make this our gretaest effort.

    We should talk. Do you have MSN? Or maybe we could talk on the phone? It wouldn't cost you anything. I'm on contract and my darling Dad's paying for it. So no worries there!

    Let's do this Ophelia. Let's do this.

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  5. god you remind me so much of myself...
    sometimes it feels like were in a darker place than we were before, and things get shitty.
    really shitty.
    you can do it though, you can get back up and dust yourself off, and everything will be okay.

    no, you wont be a kate.
    youll be better.
    thinner,
    prettier,
    and more wanted than she could ever dream.

    you could be better than sam and make him see how stupid he is.

    you can do it, just let go of the food, let go of the scars... those dont matter now.

    you have the future to look forward to, and everything will be okay.

    you can do it.
    i know you can.
    i believe in you.


    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

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