Friday, 13 March 2009

We all want Beauty

I should really be doing some uni work. And instead I have just spent the last 4 hours reading blogs and checking out thinspo... I should really stop.

I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening carrying on with my Ana Book - a little notebook I carry around with me that's full of thinspo and little pro-ana quotes and stuff like that. I don't seem to ever actually use it (the idea is to get it out when I want to binge and use it to make me stop!) but adding to it always cheers me up and gets my motivational motor running.
The walls of my room here at uni are covered with models from magazines. One of my favourites is the Lacoste Touch of Pink perfume advert, and I also love the girl in the Armani Code perfume advert. Always wonder if my friends think I'm a lesbian when they come into my room... I mean I've got the standard Justin Timberlake posters etc, but still a great deal more beautiful women! I just love them though, just love them so much for being so perfectly beautiful.

I was thinking also about people I may know who have an eating disorder but like me keep it hidden from everyone else. A girl on my course who was so enviably skinny, (I mean gorgeously, perfectly skinny!) has just created a group on facebook for a new eating disorder group here at uni. I guess I should have known she was ana, but I always assume that skinny girls are just lucky or something and didn't have to struggle for it.
Also I remember talking to Oli about food back when things were good between us and was shocked when he said that he used to read the nutritional information on food packages to check the calorie content. I never asked any more about it because I was afraid of him finding out about me, but it still makes me wonder. Oli is, like me, working towards Commission at Sandhurst to become an army officer, and he has the body of a Greek God, really, (haha why do you think I was so crazy about him!) and sure, he works out a lot, but it also made me wonder if he works out with the same motivation that I have - to look good. Does he worry about fat content and calories like I do? Is he obsessed with his image to the same devastating levels that I am?
Writing about it now reminds me of another boy I knew in first year, Neal. Although we lived in university catered residence, Neal never had dinner in the canteen with us. He cooked his own stuff. Chicken apparently. Just chicken...

The thing I hate most about bdd and being obsessed with my weight and appearance is the fact that it really is a most self-obsessive illness. I mean, there's no denying it, it's self-obsessive self-love. I mean even blogging has got to be one of the most egoistical past times ever! All these people that I know could have issues like me. Even Neal who I was crazy in love with. Even Oli who I was crazy in love with. I didn't ask, I wasn't concerned, I just assumed it was always me with the problem.
(I should add that Neal and Oli could well just be really fit guys who like to stay in shape and not neurotic bulimics, but the fact is that I never had the concern to check.)

The other night I was having a standard attack of anger about Oli and while one of my friends was comforting me she told me all the things that she was dealing with, and oh my god, it made my problems look stupid! Sure, it was shit having to see Oli, but here she was seeing a guy she had liked getting with another girl in front of her face. She had an abortion a year ago fuck it. A fucking abortion and she was having to deal with the memory of it exactly one year on. And there am I making scars along my arm and feeling sorry for myself. She puts a smile on her face and stays strong.

I could do the same, but only if I was thin. THIN! Gorgeous. Irresistible. Like these women on my walls. Don't tell me they're not happy.


  1. lol.
    Yeah, self-loathing is selfish. But it can't be helped through feeling guilty, lol - so it's a catch 22.
    Yeah, I tend to think of skinny girls at school as just lucky
    but one in three college girls apparently has an eating disorder
    and wandering around the food court, I always look what people are eating.
    Skinny girls? Bottled water, maybe. fruit?
    normal-chubby girls are the ones with real food.

  2. Oh hun. I know how you feel. Totally. It's hard. It's so fucking hard. X

  3. ahh i feel the same way sometimes.
    actually, all of the time.
    its like if i was thinner then everything would be okay.
    nothing bad would happen to me if i was only a little thinner.


    i so enjoy reading your blogs

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  4. I have a guy friend who also always checks the caloric content of what he eats. He also only ever eats diet drinks, fat-free light yogurt, protein bars, and fruit when I am around him. And in the past half-a-year, he's lost all of his flab and become so buff. It's so obvious to me that he, like me, probably has an ED, but I'm afraid to confront him for fear of being found out too. -sigh- Sorry for the novel~

  5. Thanks for the comment! I already know from this post that I'm going to love reading your updates :)

    And I'm going to start keeping a little book of thinspo with me. Thanks for mentioning it!


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