Monday, 2 March 2009

Control


Another week of being locked in my room.
Another week of missing uni.

I cannot bear to be seen right now. I don't just feel hideous, I know I am.
I am, fuck it, underneath the carefully applied makeup and nice clothes I'm fucking hideous.
My clothes are horrifically tight after all the amount of weight I've put on this week. I know it's been loads, and I don't have the guts to stand on the scales and see what I've done to myself.

I went on the most mental binge I've ever known on Wednesday after my friend's birthday.
Two packets of crisps (the massive sharing bags!), a packet of biscuits, a tub of ice cream, 4 sandwiches and not to mention bottles and bottles of alcohol.
Of course the next day because I was hungover and felt like crap I had to go on another binge and so on.

My mate had a massive go at Oliver on my behalf. I made a massive fool of myself in general going around telling everyone how much I liked him. I humiliated myself on a massive scale - as I mentioned before I turn into this disgustingly coarse and vulgar creature when I'm drunk. I hate myself for it.

Oliver didn't want me. That night he told everyone he didn't want me.
That night Simon told me he didn't want me.
He told me that's why he left me on Sunday night as well.
James didn't want me on Sunday.
None of these fucking unrespectable low-life sluts wanted me....this is how low I had sunk.

I spent my whole existence on making myself perfect and beautiful only to get drunk, act like a disgrace and throw it all away. There's no point me trying to act like a normal student, having friends, going out, having fun. There's no point cos I'm not normal, I'm not human, I can't do these things without going off the rails!


Anyway. I am never drinking alcohol again.
Yeah I'm the typical university student that says that all the time, but I actually mean it now.
I don't need those disgusting calories that just fuck up your body and your head and ruin your life.

My Dad was an alcoholic. That's how he fucking died ok.
There, I said it.

Alcohol ruined my life enough by killing him, I'm not going to let it destroy my body as well.
I'm taking back control.

GODDAMMIT I AM TAKING BACK CONTROL!

It's over - the drinking, the scandal, the drama, the chaos - OVER. I'm leaving the society I'm in at university. It may be the only place where I have any friends, but I have to sacrifice that. To stay away from that society means to stay away from alcohol and men. And that's what I need to do if I am to maintain any control over my emotions - and therefore maintain control over my body, my mind and my eating.
I don't care if my life is boring from now on, it's the only way I can keep control.

I need to be thinner. I need to be beautiful. I need to keep control of myself to get there.

1 comment:

  1. I agree...I see a lot of myself in what you write. I guess it's nice to know that you're not alone sometimes.

    ReplyDelete

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