Sunday, 8 March 2009

Nurse R

I really miss James.

There, I said it.
He was one of the few people that knew about me. He was one of the few people I could tell.

Well, it's lost now, what can I do... it taught me never to tell people.

It makes me very sad in a way, because I know I could never have a good relationship that worked with a guy. I'd make him so miserable. I feel incredibly sorry for any man that would truly love me, for I would just treat him like crap and push him out of my life. The truth is, I don't think I could live with anyone. I love being able to come back to my flat, take off my restrictive clothing, wash off all the makeup and remove all the pins from my hair and just be myself as I am naturally. I do love that... but only so long as nobody can see me. There is no way that I would ever let any guy that I was dating see me in such a state - so how on earth could I live with them, or even marry them! The idea is horrifying to me.

What I really don't get is a guy that would love me 'for who I really am'. No, any guy that loved me for who I really am would have to be crazier than I am, and lets face it, crazy isn't sexy. If a guy were to see me naked and without makeup and still love me, yeah, I'm sorry, that would freak me out - he'd clearly be either completely insane, blind or just plain desperate.

Soooo I have booked an appointment to see my Eating Disorders nurse on Tuesday.
I've been at home in London for the past week (due to a complete breakdown in the days before and following my last post) and as a result of being at home, the old binging and purging has sky-rocketed again. (At uni I don't keep any food in my flat so it's impossible to binge unless I go to the shops, and once I get inside a supermarket I always go into uber obsessive mode, pacing up and down the aisles, looking at every packet for calories, pace up and down some more, and then leave empty handed. - Anyone watching me on CCTV must think I'm either a thief or just escaped from a mental hospital.)
Anyway, yeah, following the standard binging on whole loaves of bread/boxes of cereal, throwing up and repeating the process over and over again, I decided that I needed to give it up and go back to eating three meals a day like normal people (cos this binge-eating was giving me the wobbly belly from hell!) Erm... but three meals a day?! Really?! I'd rather be Ana... and going to the eating disorders nurse may help me lose Mia, but isn't going to help me get back Ana.

My resolution: Prove that I do not binge until Tuesday. Get back Ana. Cancel the appointment with the nurse - I hate that woman - it seems like every conversation we have is about how curvy is beautiful - Fucking hell IT IS NOT! I just need to lose the binge and purge on my own and get back control to restrict properly again.

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