Thursday, 19 March 2009

Further into Ana's arms <3


Firstly, big thanks to all of you that have been reading or commenting. Really, you guys are what make this blog work for me, and this blog working is what keeps me strong!

Last night was a the big St Patricks Day celebration at the club I'm a part of at uni.
Originally I had intended to stay at home and get some work done on my assignment due next week (shit, still not started it... will start it after I've finished this post!) I figured that if I went, I'd only see Oli, feel fat and ugly, get upset and go on a massive binge. But in the afternoon I hit the gym big time and was absolutely buzzing off the adrenaline for the rest of the day - literally bouncing off the walls at such a good workout. So I decided that I'd go and pull out all the stops.

As it was a St Patricks celebration the fancy dress theme was Irish. Well I wasn't going to go dressed in shitty green clothes so I decided to go as an Irish Fairy/Pixie/Nymph. I wore a brand new, beautiful, floaty white cocktail dress (absolutely luscious this dress!) and wore a wreath of white flowers in my hair with plain green ribbon. Touch of glitter and a set of wings and I looked the part. To be honest, walking in I felt a little bit over-dressed with everyone else in green t-shirts and such haha, but then most people are accustomed to me being over-dressed - I always wear nice dresses for every occasion. Plus, what girl doesn't love to be the prettiest in any scene?

It was a really good night, still high off my gym session I was feeling the best I had done there for a long while. Lots of people commented on how good I looked and that only drove my mood higher :) I LOVE ANA, she is the beauty in me!!!!!!

Anyway obviously there was no avoiding Oli but I completely blanked him for the whole evening and just pranced around in my confident style, flirting and enjoying the party. One boy in particular had caught my attention - Sam. Had spoken to him before, but was previously too hung up on Oli to notice that actually, Sam is rather pretty! Absolutely loved Oli watching me and Sam sat in the corner together - ohhhhhh such a good feeling :)
About halfway through the evening I saw Oli in deep conversation with one of my best mates, and as I was staring over at her she gave me a knowing look to reassure me that it was ok. They were chatting for quite a while and it seemed to be pretty intense... but all the time she kept looking at me to reassure me... she seemed to be comforting him... and then she was holding his hand... and then she gave him a massive hug. I was just like wtf?!?!
So as soon as they had finished I went straight over and asked her what it was about. She said that he was saying that he didn't want a girlfriend while he was in the army because he didn't want her to worry about him etc (1. He's not gonna be joining for like 2 years at least, 2. I've already had this fucking conversation with him, and 3. I don't get the logic of his argument). And then she said that he told her that I looked really pretty tonight (wooop!).
It's so comforting to know that me looking hot was making him upset. I know, I know I'm a bitch, but he rejected me, so he can fucking suffer for it!!! And the thinner I get, the more beautiful I get, the more he will watch me flirting with hotter guys, the more he will have to suffer for what he can no longer have :)

I know it's crazy that even last night when so many people were telling me how amazing I looked, I still absolutely hated my reflection. I dunno, I guess that yeah, I was prettier than other girls there, but still, come on! My big flabby arms were on show, my lack of cheekbones cannot be hidden by blusher, my figure is a million miles off being anywhere near perfect!! To me, you can't call anyone beautiful unless they are perfect - model perfect, model thin. I know that these people weren't lying when they said they thought I was beautiful, but... well I just don't value their opinion. I have higher standards, I believe in perfection, I believe that it is achievable. It's not good enough to me to be one of the prettiest in one university society. It's not good enough that I still need makeup to create illusions. It's not good enough that I need to wear beautiful dresses. It's not enough. I want to stand there in anything and be perfect.

The only way to achieve that is to be tiny. "Thin people look good in ANY kind of clothes." My cheekbones will speak for themselves.
The compliments that I got last night haven't made me complacent or happy about how I look it; drives me further into ana's arms. The feeling of euphoria it gave me only spurs me on. I want more. I want Oli to feel more shit. I want all the guys who ever treated me badly to cry into their pillows. I want to walk through every room with my head held high knowing that I have achieved it - perfection - and I want everyone to see it. I want more.

Perfection is ours for the taking, we've suffered for it, we deserve it. LETS TAKE IT!

3 comments:

  1. I love your determination!
    We WILL become perfect and enviously skinny~ Stay strong.

    PS: I find it hilarious that the security check word I got is "pongweed" hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  2. AMAZING idea!

    "Well I wasn't going to go dressed in shitty green clothes so I decided to go as an Irish Fairy/Pixie/Nymph. I wore a brand new, beautiful, floaty white cocktail dress (absolutely luscious this dress!) and wore a wreath of white flowers in my hair with plain green ribbon."

    i like to stand out when i go out... this is an amazing idea. i may borrow it for next st pat's day :)

    "I know, I know I'm a bitch, but he rejected me, so he can fucking suffer for it!!!"
    your not a bitch at all. to bad for him. too little too late

    ReplyDelete

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