Wednesday, 25 March 2009

To wear Ted Baker

I have an assignment due in 7 hours.
I have no intention of getting it done on time.
I will hand it in late, like I always do, and be penalised for it.
I am in my final year of university now - the most important year or some shit like that.
Who knows...who cares.

I'm under some sort of perverse illusion that in order to write an essay I need to eat shit loads. So I have eaten shit loads.

I do not need to eat for fucks sake!

Every day I am making the daily trip to the supermarket. I have no food whatsoever in my flat. I can't have any food around without binging on it - it doesn't matter what it is - I'll cook it, eat it raw, eat it all, not stop. So, every day, ravenously hungry, I go to the supermarket, walking up and down the isles, checking the back of every packet, choosing something, putting it back, wringing my hands in angst.
"That nutter girl is back again."
Yeah, I just walk up and down your supermarket looking at food because I'm bored and lonely.

Anyway the brilliant thing is, I may be pulling my hair out in desperation for a binge, but the second I get into the supermarket, my pride comes back. Scoffing at people with baskets full of food, "I wouldn't eat that!" An hour later, after having picked up and put back an assortment of sandwiches, pasta, etc, I will walk out with only a bottle of flavoured water.
The second I get back to my flat, I crave a binge again.
So, yeah, I'm driving myself crazy for a binge, but, the fact of the matter is, I find it impossible to buy it!

Jesus how am I still so fat?!?!

I'm just pretty angry at myself at the moment.
I've started cutting again. Fuck knows why, as if I don't have enough stupid scars already.
I'm just so frustrated. My thighs are just disgusting. DISGUSTING. And my arms?!?! My arms belong on a fucking obese person. I have had enough.
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I'M NOT FAT!
Is there anything more hideously insulting?! Really?! It just makes me so angry. Are they just stupid or do they think I'm stupid? I'm embarrassed for myself at how fat I am. How can anyone have the nerve to call me pretty? To tell me that I don't need to lose weight? I am just SO SICK OF IT! What, are they scared of me getting prettier? Are they threatened by the idea of me looking stunning? Are they wanting to get to perfection before me?
God, if I started listening to my 'friends' I might actually start being happy at a 'normal' weight as a 'normal' girl living a 'normal' life. Fucking hell, why on earth would I settle for 'normal'. I will not be happy in my own skin. I will fight their logic. I will not listen to the cries of 'men like curvy women'. Jesus.

I have been on a massive shopping binge (which I always do when I feel really shit about myself). Somehow the fact that I am fat and ugly can be somewhat balanced by buying some gorgeous new dresses to wear. I bought two Ted Baker dresses and about six from Yumi/Dari Meya. Yeah, I'm a student living on a student loan in a fucking recession... but I don't buy food... soooo I can afford very expensive clothes? Who am I kidding.

Anyway, standing in the changing rooms of Ted Baker wearing this stunning £130 dress, showing off all my curves and thinking YUCK. No dress is worth £130 on curves.

Bought it anyway, cos these curves are dissolving fast :)

6 comments:

  1. clothes are good thinspo.

    Grocery shopping every day sounds like a good idea if you can get past the anxiety of feeling like everyone is staring.

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  2. Clothes are great thinspo - I like going to a store and trying on something when it first comes out, and then going back 2 weeks later or so when it's on sale and seeing if it looks better. :)

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  3. I love new clothes...but I can't get any unless it's a special occasion like my birthday or Christmas or if it's stunningly cheap and my dad can feel like he's being frugal.
    I understand the sentiment of people telling me I'm not fat. Actually I get called scrawny by the only two people who've noticed my newest 18lb weight loss. But I'm still extremely average. I do it somethings, though. It's a social reflex. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut when people complain about their bodies.

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  4. Yes you are going to lose those curves. Stay strong girl!

    Do a shop once a week and once a week only. Seriously. Buy fruit and veg. Coffee and tea. Make a rule: once its gone its gone. Until next time. You can do this. You need control to achieve perfection. So for goodness sake stop yourself before you're about to binge! Get a grip.

    Man telling you this is getting my head straight too. Thank you! No bingeing for me either. =)

    Love you -- and your blog. X

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  5. I stumbled across your blog just now and I really can relate.
    I have my own pro-ana blog, but I'm on my normal account.

    Just wanted to say stay strong :)
    And I know how you feel, I relapsed into cutting not to long ago; it's shit.

    xox

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  6. I can really relate to this:
    "HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I'M NOT FAT!
    Is there anything more hideously insulting?! Really?! It just makes me so angry. Are they just stupid or do they think I'm stupid? I'm embarrassed for myself at how fat I am. How can anyone have the nerve to call me pretty? To tell me that I don't need to lose weight? I am just SO SICK OF IT!"
    I had a comment from a grandparent the other day "I like the skinny you, don't lose more weight though, you don't need to, don't become skin and bone like me, look... Skin and bone, not nice".
    That left me with a list of questions!
    Did she not like the fat me then? clearly not! And who's body was she talking about? Mine and I'll lose as much weight as I bloody well want to!

    ReplyDelete

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