Skip to main content

Vicarious sensation

Little sparks of happiness...
from an ashen grey wreckage...
my world...
Yes there are bright little sparks sometimes which jolt sensation back into my fingertips.

When I finally found the courage to go back to law school this week after over a week of hiding away, I felt foolish.
It was fabulous to be back.
Fabulous because I was just normal. I just forgot about my eating.
I chatted and laughed, saw my friends again, felt emotion again and wasn’t alone anymore.

I don’t have to be alone and miserable. Behind the fastened doors of my silent home is an incredibly vibrant world. Living. Every time I need to get somewhere in the City of London, I walk. Just to fall in love with the spirited streets, the structures, the history, the visions, the pulse. Breathtaking. But I admire the sights on my own – because I prefer it that way.

I was 17 when, as a heart-broken teenager waiting for him to text me back, I fell in love with the City.
I stepped off the train at 09:30 and disappeared.
It was so liberating.
The best thing about London is that you can never fit in, you can never stand out, you can never exist in a crowd.

I have always been alone – so much so, that my loneliness is a comfort. When I feel upset, I have never desired to be with friends or be cheered up. I would hate it. I crave to be alone. I always do everything and go everywhere on my own. I always have done. I’ve never needed or wanted a friend or companion. If you wanted to put a spin on it, I guess you would call me independent and self-reliant. If you wanted to be cruel, I guess you would call me a loner.

But I can still act when I need to. And you’d think I was the most bubbly, social diva in the room.
I wouldn’t say I’m happier on my own necessarily, but I certainly feel safer. The world is so threatening. I have so much fear… of other people – and what they think of me. On my own I don’t have to put on makeup, or do my hair, or get dressed even. I can just exist. No threats, no fear, no feelings – good or bad.

I’ve started reading Anna Karenina – I can’t believe I’ve never read it before – it’s so beautiful.
I need escapism
because I need beauty
– and I find so little in my real life.
Although I am now studying to be a lawyer, I did my degree in English Literature for a very good reason: I love it.
“Aesthetic enthusiasm. Perception of beauty in the external world, or, on the other hand, in words and their right arrangement. Pleasure in the impact of one sound on another, in the firmness of good prose or the rhythm of a good story. Desire to share an experience which one feels is valuable and ought not to be missed.”
I love getting lost in the world of beautiful women, tortured, in love – being in the presence of epic, tragic heroines, caught in surging poetry and flowing narrative.

Living vicariously. That’s what I have always done, ever since I was a little girl. I read obsessively to escape. Nothing makes me happier.
And old movies…I watched Hitchcock's Rebecca last night. I adore old movies; where men all have chiselled jaw lines and strong features, and all the women are so immaculate and graceful. The Golden Era; The Beautiful World…
...My head is so full of it.
If you took it away from me, I’d never survive.

I’ve been patchy and frustrated this week.
My body is craving exercise, and I’ve been stuck at home this weekend (like every weekend) – with my mum – and with food.
It’s simply unbearable. Just my fat body sitting here in this room, all weekend, being fed.
I’ve finally found a gym in London that I can afford – so I’m joining on Monday and intend to go at every spare moment – every weekday hopefully as I can’t get away from this house on weekends. I’ve been missing my gym at university so much. I go running and do toning exercises still, but it’s not the same. I miss the days where I would run until the counter told me I had burnt 800 calories, feel the blood burning in my toned arms and run my hands across my alabaster thighs. Yes. I need to get back to that. Endorphins.
I’m joining first thing on Monday. I can’t wait. I need my body to love me again. I need to get high on treadmills and swimming pools. Such happiness, such bliss, my body will love me.

Also I’m ready for a water fast. Starting intensive workouts and a fast is probably not a wise combo… but, I think I can manage it for…six days. That’s enough to let my body heal and detox - enough to make it love me again. Then I’ll get back on some fruit and veg.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. We all know she misquoted it a bit, but we sure as hell all know she’s right.

I live for sensation.

Comments

  1. I love reading your posts.
    Just amazing.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. good luck on your water fast, i've never been able to make it past 2 days so your doing good by me.lol. stay strong. you write beautifully.

    meg

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ophelia, I'm joining you.
    x x x

    ReplyDelete
  4. good luck with your fast! i try but it seems like 3-4 days is my limit sometimes..

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey I'm doing this too, but mine is a liquids fast :) i'll allow myself up to 200kcal of soups each day.

    Thin thin babe, and remember to keep that mask on tight around other people, what they don't realise can't hurt you :)

    xx.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel the same. Its nice to be alone isnt it? wow i wish i lived in london! Or anywhere vaguely interesting! You're lucky
    stay strong!
    ~creative
    x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh how I love litterature and old movies too. I would never survive without a good book.

    Good luck with your fast and the workout!

    ReplyDelete
  8. hey,
    I've just sort of stumbled upon...I read a few posts. I enjoyed them.

    I'm in London myself. Just picked up my life and moved thousands of miles from my past. Quick fix. Or so I thought.

    Anyway, I felt some sort of kinship (forgive me, I'm sentimental) and wanted to leave a comment. Hope all is well.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jesus Christ, you always say the things I'm thinking.

    I mope in bed and sleep and then when I finally motivate myself to school... I feel bad about all the great adventures I've missed.

    I also hate taking the bus and the tube because I don't like the proximity of the people, hate the missed exercise, and walking the city makes me feel like I'm in a wonderful story.

    I want to meet up for coffee or something and have you tell me more about the things inside my head :) LOL

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel we don't correspond enough.

    I promise I'll read more.

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ophelia, I swear I fell in love with U:)xoxo...
    haha...love your post - I feel exactly the same way - you are writing from the bottom of my heart...thank U

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

With all my everlasting love, Goodbye...

Well, I got the job. I spent the last three weeks living and breathing the company and the role, preparing myself completely for the onslaught of interviews. Every spare moment pouring over economics textbooks, business journals and newspapers, paperbacks and online resources. I did everything I could to get that job. I sat on the train on my journey home with my eyes closed and sent my thoughts up to the sky please let me get it, please, please I start in 4 weeks, straight after I finish at the school. Right back in the centre of the City of London. where I belong . where I can thrive, work hard and play hard back to my best whatever that best is I got the call to say I'd been offered the job in the middle of my therapy session. I was overjoyed. My therapist congratulated me. We talked about the incredible progress I had made. We talked about the end... We decided that my last session will be the week before I start my new job. The sun was shining outside, I felt invin

The Hardest Post...

. This is the hardest post I have ever had to write. I apologise if it's sporadic and raw. This is everything from the last two months. When I went away with Alex for a weekend on the 16th July and when we went away for the second time on the 13th August. How things became incredible. How things fell apart. The writing in red is what I have written today - my input now - the writing in black is what I wrote on the date stated. Written on 19th July 2010 The dream is not a dream. It exists. I tasted it. I lived it. The happiness of my childhood is not dead. It lives around me – in other children, in other families. I walked hand-in-hand with Alex through the gardens of Chatsworth House, listening to the laughter of children, watching old couples sitting on the wall eating huge cones of soft white ice cream. Seeing families all around me. Joy, happiness, laughter, innocence, contentment, fulfilment. I was right all along. I knew it. I knew it! I had known all along what

Winning

A narrative of the last few days… So Friday was the big day. I went back to my university town for the Annual Dinner Night of my old society. All present members and all alumni – all my best friends, all my old lovers, and the place that made and broke my reputation. Thursday: all I ate all day were two sweets. And I only ate them because M offered them to me on two separate occasions in the library. (M – the law school guy I can’t stop myself from being besotted with.) I was convinced that I looked terrible that day so I hid in the library at law school during our break. I hadn’t seen M all week, but that day, I left my desk for two minutes and returned to find he had sat himself two seats away. I was mortified and pretended not to see him… although from that point on I found it impossible to concentrate on my books… He spoke to me first, and obviously when he offered me a sweet I couldn’t say no for fear of looking weird / seeming rude. Anyway, straight after my day at college was ov