Saturday, 30 January 2010

Let me repeat that...

But even on that Sunday evening, as I cried myself sick, as I surveyed my existence with utter despair and hopelessness, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have ended my life.
I get up the next day, and the next, and I carry on.
I've been fighting the odds all my life. I've been fighting against so many people, so many circumstances, so many thoughts... and maybe I dream beyond my scope, maybe there is no hope, maybe I want more than I can have... but I'm going to live this out until the end.

I will always be a dreamer. I will always have THIS dream: that one day I will be so happy, with a man who loves me, a family, a career, a home. I believe I will look in the mirror and see the body of a woman who succeeded. Even though on paper I am the biggest fuck-up in existence, I believe I can defy the odds against me.
Call me crazy, but I really do believe.

I know all of you are here because you're like me. You don't have the ability to give in. That's why we're still writing and reading and fighting.
I fought to win D. It didn't go according to plan, but so what, I'm moving on. Next day. New fight.
I fought to lose weight. Then I binged, I failed, but so what. Next day. New start.
It's pointless to waste time crying when I should be fighting. And you know, I can feel myself getting stronger. The whole thing with D would have rendered me sick in bed and binging for weeks at uni. Not anymore. One binge, one day under the duvet, and I'm back out again. Fighting.
Do you know why I stayed at 'the club'? Because leaving would have been giving in.

Do you know what most 'normal' people do? They give in. That's what makes them the normal, average population. Oh look, I'm hungry, I'll eat whatever is convenient, whatever tastes nice. Oh look I'm fat, I'll just accept it and buy clothes in a bigger size. Oh look I'm not achieving everything I'm capable of achieving, but I can't be bothered try harder to improve myself.

Do you know why we're here, why we're outcasts? Because we desire to be exceptional. AND WE ARE NOT AFRAID TO FIGHT FOR IT. It's incredibly rare; the fighting gene; the inability to give in. But we have it.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.
Every battle makes us stronger, braver, more skilled.
Until one day, warriors, we will triumph.

Never forget this.


  1. Keep your head up. You're right, we are fighters. ♥

  2. Yes! Once again, you say what I need to hear to keep fighting! I hate when fail, it makes me sick and drives me to think about just giving in. But I never have. Even today if I decided to, I could go eat whatever I wanted, I could buy bigger clothes, I could continue to love someone who isn't worth my time. But No. We are better than them, we are better than society's standards and lies.
    So I will keep the clothes that I had when I was bigger, and revel in the fact that they get looser every day. I will be happy that I am strong enough to leave my fuck ups behind and make a better name, a stronger mark on this world with every breath I take in. And I will love the power I have over everyone, instead of letting them have power over me.

  3. Oh reading this helped me a lot just now! You are right, I never thought of myself as a fighter before...but now I know I CAN be one and I WILL succeed :)

  4. It is so true. We WILL succeed and we won't stop fighting until we succeed!Keep fighting Ophelia, you WILL win! Just like all of us!

  5. I needed this so badly tonight.

    Thank you so very much for sharing such a profoundly inspirational post, for saying everything I needed to hear more than anything else in the world.

    Today was a shitty ass day for weight loss. In fact, I'm fairly sure that I must have gained a pound. I'm denying myself a weigh-in until Monday morning, just because I know that seeing the numbers after a day like today would further injure my self-confidence and motivation. But you...You've managed to come out of nowhere just when I needed you to shake me awake and out of my binge-filled reverie...I WILL fight. When I wake up tomorrow, I will be grateful for the brand new day, the new chance to start fresh and be stronger and more successful than ever before.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ophelia. Stay lovely, darling, and keep writing. <3

  6. I believe every word you wrote. Sometimes I sit here and wonder why I torture myself, why am I the only person in the world that won't give up, but everything u said is true, WE CANT. even if we want to. Fight or Flight. The rest of the world may choose flight, but its in our blood to fight. No matter how hard, soul destroying or difficult, its in your DNA and for some reason we cant give up. We refuse to be average, bog-standard, like every one else.

    Ophelia, I find myself in a constant battle with myself over why, why can't life be simple, just like everyone else. You've made it so clear, so simple. Were DIFFERENT, it may be for the worst, or the best. I guess we will never know because we cannot give up.

    Princess.Smile :)

  7. this post was so motiating. thankyou! Keep Fighting hun! xx

  8. Keep strong girl! YOU ARE STRONG!

  9. Ophelia, you write like an angel.
    Pain IS weakness leaving the body.
    Thank you!
    Stay strong. I love you.
    x x x


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