But even on that Sunday evening, as I cried myself sick, as I surveyed my existence with utter despair and hopelessness, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have ended my life.
I get up the next day, and the next, and I carry on.
Because I AM A FIGHTER.
I've been fighting the odds all my life. I've been fighting against so many people, so many circumstances, so many thoughts... and maybe I dream beyond my scope, maybe there is no hope, maybe I want more than I can have... but I'm going to live this out until the end.
I will always be a dreamer. I will always have THIS dream: that one day I will be so happy, with a man who loves me, a family, a career, a home. I believe I will look in the mirror and see the body of a woman who succeeded. Even though on paper I am the biggest fuck-up in existence, I believe I can defy the odds against me.
Call me crazy, but I really do believe.
I know all of you are here because you're like me. You don't have the ability to give in. That's why we're still writing and reading and fighting.
I fought to win D. It didn't go according to plan, but so what, I'm moving on. Next day. New fight.
I fought to lose weight. Then I binged, I failed, but so what. Next day. New start.
It's pointless to waste time crying when I should be fighting. And you know, I can feel myself getting stronger. The whole thing with D would have rendered me sick in bed and binging for weeks at uni. Not anymore. One binge, one day under the duvet, and I'm back out again. Fighting.
Do you know why I stayed at 'the club'? Because leaving would have been giving in.
Do you know what most 'normal' people do? They give in. That's what makes them the normal, average population. Oh look, I'm hungry, I'll eat whatever is convenient, whatever tastes nice. Oh look I'm fat, I'll just accept it and buy clothes in a bigger size. Oh look I'm not achieving everything I'm capable of achieving, but I can't be bothered try harder to improve myself.
Do you know why we're here, why we're outcasts? Because we desire to be exceptional. AND WE ARE NOT AFRAID TO FIGHT FOR IT. It's incredibly rare; the fighting gene; the inability to give in. But we have it.
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
Every battle makes us stronger, braver, more skilled.
Until one day, warriors, we will triumph.
Never forget this.
Hillary Clinton meme
8 months ago