Tired Legs/Toned Legs/Strong Legs/Skinny Legs?

I have a new training program in place - a 10k training programme to be precise.

It's hard to have an eating disorder whilst trying to train intensively at the same time - the two things really do conflict...
But the fact is, I'm going to be running some races with Alex and some other super fit guys in the Autumn - after a Summer away on the LDAC that is.
Yes, for any American readers, I am coming over to the US for a month to take part in the ROTC Leader Development Assessment Course.
I have very little idea as to what it all entails exactly... other than it is something similar to the Territorial Army Commissioning Course we have here in the UK at Sandhurst...? If any of you out there have any info or experience of it I'd love to hear!

So, my fitness is pretty good - in fact I can meet the male entry standards for Sandhurst (well on the run and situps anyway - my pressups are sill rather feeble!!) so I know physically I'm in pretty good shape...

however
it's the perfection thing...
I want to be thin

I want to be beautiful

and yes, I want to be super fit

I appreciate these things conflict. There are probably very few models, with their spindly arms and legs who could keep up with me on a race track or carry loads as heavy as I can. But this is not the point: I do not believe in logic, I believe in perfection.

My new training programme has me running 6 days a week - so it's pretty intense. Post-Christmas I was practically living in the gym and was burning off around 1,000 calories in every session - but even this seems more intense than I'm used to - or rather, requires a lot more grit and motivation. I've always found gym sessions pretty easy and enjoyable - after all, there's a water fountain, TVs, towels, toilets... it is so easy to waste away hours and calories there. However, the gym membership has expired, and I have a serious lack of funds to renew it... so hitting the pavements has become essential.

I have to say Alex has become a great motivator in getting me to run. I want to race with him - don't ask me why, because I can't imagine anything worse than him seeing me purple-faced and dripping with sweat - but I want to prove how fit I am I guess.
Needless to say, he's super-fit.
His body is 100% toned and honed slim-line muscle. (Excuse me while I drool.)
He runs loads more than I do - and loads faster. He competed in Tough Guy this year, and I've promised to join him for the 2011 Competition in January. So, more training, more intensity... after our first 10k race, which is set for September.
He's also going on the ROTC LDAC, but hopefully we'll be in different platoons...

But anyway, I digress, the point of this post is the difficultly in running so much and trying to still eat so little.
I ate a bowl of porridge before I went running this morning. Yes, actual slow-release carbs. I was smart, I was sensible! And then when I got home I had a massive bowl of vegetables - carrots, cabbage, courgette etc - a piece of pork and an apple.
By the evening, I wasn't really hungry - I wasn't! But...
I binged.
I had about 6 slices of bread, several handfuls of salted peanuts and a massive shortbread cookie.
So I threw it all up. Quick and easy.
But the damage had probably already been done. All that calorific goodness must have sunk straight into my blood.

Sigh.

I do find it reasonably easy to restrict when I'm inactive - and the pounds come off pretty easily too. And exercise shouldn't make restriction harder - it's all in my head. My body wasn't craving food earlier, I wasn't feeling weak, I didn't even have a headache! It was just in my mind...

So, now I need to be harsh on myself. I need to get out of the house the second I've had my shower and had my post-run vegetables and protein. I need to go to the library, get away from the computer, get away from the kitchen and it's stupid food, forget the kindly voices telling me my body needs carbs and it's ok and healthy to eat - I don't want to bloody listen - I want to run - I want to be fit - I want to be strong - I want to be thin.

I don't need another book or another pack of worksheets telling me to eat, eat, eat. I'm sorry, for you are a very nice lady.