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Under-Weighted Goal

This is going to be a quick post.
Laxatives. Never used them before. Am off to buy some tomorrow.
Needless to say, my digestive system shuts down when I successfully fast/restrict and my belly sticks out a mile with all the backlog of food that won't move!
I tried the natural way with 'Aloe Vera Colon Cleanse' from Holland & Barrett. Recommeded dose: 1 pill before bed. After a few weeks my desperate dose: 6 pills before bed. And no bowel movements.
My period? Absent without leave.
Last time I had it my stomach swelled up like a balloon, face broke out in spots and I felt like a massive piece of shit.
I'd say I was fitting all those symptoms right now.
I want to retch when I look in the mirror.
Bad skin... seriously... that is up there with the weight issues when it comes to my paranoia and BDD.
And no, no, I don't have acne, I know, just like I'm not overweight, I know, I know. But if it's not a clear, flawless complexion it's disguisting to me. Just like if I'm not underweight it's hideous to me.
Oh my God to be underweight. Jesus, I could be so beautiful.
Cheekbones... oh my God... cheekbones.
I would die so happy on a hospital bed with tubes stuck into my stomach for cheekbones.
The 'average' person would read that and think I was sick in the head.
Whatever, it's a head full of beauty.

Right, so let me explain my ultimate goal now...
I've left uni, none of that matters now, none of the boys there matter, none of the 'relationships' there matter, none of the rejections, none of nothing of anything about that place or the people I knew there matters. (She says continually thinking about messaging James lying to herself that it's just to be nice and not at all because she wants to fuck him.)
Ok, so forget all that. I'm spending a week or two over the summer with a few of the uni gang, boys and girls... including two on my last night... forgot to mention that didn't I... Andrew and Emma... although it was really just him. Yeah, great for the self-esteem, with a guy flitting between you and your mate in bed and finishing up with her.
But anyway, they are irrelevant now. I was fat, nothing I can do to change those memories.
So now, yes, that ultimate goal: Law School
I got accepted back in March/April? Law school, London. That's where I'm heading at the end of September... so just over 3 months. That's what matters.

Hear this. I will be underweight in 3 months. And still alive.


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Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

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We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
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