I mentioned a few posts back that I was off to have an assessment for psychotherapy on the NHS. So I feel I should update you on how it all went.
Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa
(How enlightening!)
Ok, let me stop myself there. I need to say at this point that anything sarcastic/rude/mean that I say about my therapist or my session is just my frustration talking. She actually turned out to be one of the nicest people I've ever had to talk to (out of several doctors, nurses, councillors and other random do-gooders). She was the first person that I have ever spoken to who I did not feel was judging me. I would even go so far as to say that she understood. My words made sense to another human being - it was incredible - in an odd way, for the first time, I felt sane.
So, it was quite revealing - all the stuff I had to talk about. My non-existent, fucked-up relationship with my Mum. My alcoholic Dad drinking himself to the grave when I was a child. As a teenager, the hated of my ugly, putrid face and the hatred of my body, my filthy, disgusting body. And now, my inability to eat like a 'normal' person.
I never completely made the connections before... all the shit that my head descended into when my relationship with my parents disappeared. The way I can't think about my Dad without a mixed sensation of anger, sadness and longing. The way I can't face my Mum without wanting to harm myself. It all started to fit together in my head... the ragged bits of my life and history started to form a picture of who I was today.
Anyway, like I said, this was just the initial assessment. I won't start proper therapy for another 4-6 months (bloody NHS waiting lists). In the mean time I got given literature and plans to try to implement before I started therapy.
You should see the suggested meal plan.
It's hilarious.
As if I'm going to eat that much and keep it down.
Almost everyone I know comes from a privileged background.
I forget sometimes, that I am not one of them.
My past is black, my history is grim, and no one knows - no one will ever know.
I am Ophelia: chatty, confident, charismatic.
Liar.
Skeletons in my closet...
... bones, bones, oh beautiful bones.
Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa
(How enlightening!)
Ok, let me stop myself there. I need to say at this point that anything sarcastic/rude/mean that I say about my therapist or my session is just my frustration talking. She actually turned out to be one of the nicest people I've ever had to talk to (out of several doctors, nurses, councillors and other random do-gooders). She was the first person that I have ever spoken to who I did not feel was judging me. I would even go so far as to say that she understood. My words made sense to another human being - it was incredible - in an odd way, for the first time, I felt sane.
So, it was quite revealing - all the stuff I had to talk about. My non-existent, fucked-up relationship with my Mum. My alcoholic Dad drinking himself to the grave when I was a child. As a teenager, the hated of my ugly, putrid face and the hatred of my body, my filthy, disgusting body. And now, my inability to eat like a 'normal' person.
I never completely made the connections before... all the shit that my head descended into when my relationship with my parents disappeared. The way I can't think about my Dad without a mixed sensation of anger, sadness and longing. The way I can't face my Mum without wanting to harm myself. It all started to fit together in my head... the ragged bits of my life and history started to form a picture of who I was today.
Anyway, like I said, this was just the initial assessment. I won't start proper therapy for another 4-6 months (bloody NHS waiting lists). In the mean time I got given literature and plans to try to implement before I started therapy.
You should see the suggested meal plan.
It's hilarious.
As if I'm going to eat that much and keep it down.
Almost everyone I know comes from a privileged background.
I forget sometimes, that I am not one of them.
My past is black, my history is grim, and no one knows - no one will ever know.
I am Ophelia: chatty, confident, charismatic.
Liar.
Skeletons in my closet...
... bones, bones, oh beautiful bones.
Its amazing how much our past determines who we are, isn't it? So much so that we never even realize it most of the time, for better or worse... sometimes you need an outside objective party who can pick your brain because you're too preoccupied with all the drama, all the voices, all the bullshit. I know....I'm in the same place.
ReplyDeleteIts great that she gets you. I can write off a therapist in 10 seconds flat if I get the impression they're judging me. I hope she does wonders for you. She may not be able to "fix" you, but she can hopefully help you sort things out. I applaud you for seeking help. You're braver than I.
We're all liars....
peace and love and good vibrations
<3 Emily
I can't believe you have to wait almost half a year to get help with something so serious! It's awful. But I'm really glad you went to her... to get help. I've never really been bulimic (probably why I'm so fat) - I can only imagine what it must be like to go through that shit every single day. And it's horrible. You just can't live like that.
ReplyDeleteI really really hope you can get rid of this problem, get out of this mess. I hope we can both get out of this stupid binge eating, get our heads straight and start eating right. In moderation. But it's so hard. Habits are so hard to change.
I know you've grown up without a dad... and your relationship with your mum hasn't always been good. Really, there's nothing you can do about it... you just have to accept it and do the best you can with it. Try to calm things down with her. Please don't hurt yourself because of her.
I understand how you feel. Sometimes my mother is so fucking unfair and so wrong, thinking she's so right, that I can't even COPE with my life anymore. I started hurting myself when I was ten years old. Ten.
It's about control. It's about... I don't know. When the anger, when the emotions get too much and you can't do anything about it, when there's no release... and it the hatred burns so hot and heavy into your soul and the anger turns inwards... And then you have to make the pain inside somehow physical?
I got to a point where the pain actually became pleasure. Don't ask me. I have no idea why I enjoyed it so much. It was such a rush! I needed it. But sooner or later... I needed more to get the same effect. It got way way way out of control. I mean... Looking back on it. I was a full blown addict.
I don't do it anymore. I don't. But I have very very strong urges to sometimes. It's so hard to stop. It's so hard to give it up. But you have to. Because it's not worth it. It's not worth the pain you're only inflicting on yourself. Without it... you're OK. It's fine. You're alright.
I stopped it. What goes on in my brain does not have any sort of effect on my body. I'm not scoffing my face. I'm not breaking open my skin. I'm being healthy. About food, about life. I did it. I got out of the self harm. And believe me, it wasn't easy. I used to tie myself up...
That just made me laugh. What the hell was I like back then? And I'm not talking about seven years ago. I'm talking one year ago. Or less...
I think you're so so brave for doing this. And you can do it.
Be strong. Don't give up. Keep fighting.
I love you more than anything and I want to see you succeed and get through this.
Holly x x x
Wow. You have to wait that long for the therapy to start?! That's absolutely ridiculous. Isn't there another place you could go where you wouldn't have to wait so long?
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how all that we are depends on what happened to us long ago in our pasts isn't it? I believe my ED stemmed from the mean little girls i had to deal with all through elementary school. But you know something, looking back, i wouldn't change a thing! It's made me who i am; i may not love all that i am, but i can accept it. I must accept it; it's me!
Try your best to accept yourself, love. I know you'll feel much better if you can.
it's truly great that you found a therapist who you can actually talk to... i didn't have that kind of luck thus far. talking to someone who won't judge you but just listen - it lifts a lot from your heart. glad you found that person.
ReplyDelete